Marriage and Happiness!

Wow, I have't don't this in a long while and thought that it would be a good idea to post now that I am a happily married woman.
  Life has been quite interesting these past few weeks with the wedding and all the wonderful people that I have been around! The sealing was amazing and the Spirit so very strong. ( A sealing is where a man called of God and given the authority binds a marriage on earth as well as in heaven. Meaning that marriage is eternal and goes on into the next life and forever!) It was amazing that so many were able to attend and that my mom and two of my best friends were able to attend!! My mom just recently received her endowment ( endowment means a gift and it is where you receive and accept covenants that Heavenly Father has given so that we might return to live with Him once again) so it was an added testimony that the Lord hears and answers prayers that are offered up in righteousness. There are so many amazing memories of that day and I can't even begin to truly put into words that greatness of the love that I feel from Heavenly Father on a daily basis.
   The joy that fills my soul as I think about the man that I am blessed to have for eternity permeate all the actions that I carry out during the day as he is away at work. I want nothing more than for him to come home and feel the love as the apartment is clean and the dinner is being finished so that we are eating together a warm meal. He also enjoys cooking so, there are times that we cook together and have fun doing it. I know that I have much to learn about being married, but I know that with the help of the Lord and keeping in mind that I must at times make sacrifices for his happiness and knowing that he is doing the same for me that it is more than possible and that our marriage will be happy and full. The more I see how I want our marriage to be the more committed I become to living the gospel more fully and with more enthusiasm. I really am the luckiest woman alive!!
   More about the wedding day. After the sealing was finished we were able to take some photos outside of the temple with our family and friends and it was great! We have some great pics and thanks to the kindness of family members and friends we didn't have to pay for them!! The Lord is merciful and I know that He desires us to be happy and not struggle too much. After we finished with the pictures we came back to the apartment and changed into more comfortable clothes and went and enjoyed a luncheon with those that were at the sealing and played around with family and friends. Then we went and started getting used to being with each other and although sometimes we both wonder how we ended up where we are we are happy!
  Life is great and The Lord is mindful!
(If you want to learn more about temples and sealings please go to lds.org or mormon.org)

The Story of Love!

So, I think it might be time that I finally tell to story of how love snuck up on me and started this amazing journey that I am now on!
  It all started as an early morning janitor in the Fall of 2008 right after I finished serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the great state of Alabama!! We met once that semester started and had a lot of fun at work and I was just not even close to ready for anything to happen and he was otherwise engaged with another girl, so I just hung out with him while at work. I was fine with that and we went about doing our own thing. We worked together for 2-3 semesters and then moved on kind of. He asked me out in 2009 and we went bowling and had fun, but still it was not the right timing for the two of us to see what the future held for us together. We both admit that we were attracted to each other, but other things were happening and it was not our time. I know I was not ready for a relationship any deeper than a friend, especially with young men.
  Let us fast forward to December 2011, we have now both graduated and we some how are both still single. I notice that Rob is commenting on a lot of my posts and so I start responding back and reaching out on facebook with chats and what not. Before long, I say let's text it will be easier, so we exchange numbers and start texting. I mean texting a lot and getting to know each other and then we decide that even though it is long distance and what not we both feel that this is going to go somewhere special. He asks me if I would like to come out to California and visit him and meet the family and I say that I would love to. I finally get out to see him the weekend of April 14 and we decide that I am going to move to California to see what comes of our deepening feelings for each other. All along neither one of us really knowing what was happening, but just following the promptings that this was right and letting it go from there.
  I move to California the following week and we just let things go from there. Then May 5, 2012 happens and I suppose y'all really want that story more than the one above:) So, here is that story; I want to let you know that I had no idea that he was going to ask me to marry him!! His parents invited us to go to the temple with them, so I jumped right on that as I love going to the temple and was excited to go with Rob! We attended the 7am session and it was amazing as it always is and proceeded on into the celestial room. We were standing around talking and then he asked me if I wanted to go and sit down with him on the couch and I said sure and we went and sat down. We talked for a few minutes and then he looked at me and he said "I truly love you Crystal, will you marry me?" and I said "yes!" He had set this up and his parents and my parents already knew and that brings us to now. Planning and getting pictures and all that other stuff done and become a family for eternity!!

Miracles Do Happen!!

Well it has sure been a long time since I posted anything on here. I guess sometimes I just don't care to write about the comings and goings of my life. I am doing well!! I quit my job at the call center and am preparing to move to California. I know this might sound like I am crazy, but it is right and I had thought this a year ago and now I need to!! There are many reasons and one of them is that I am pursuing a young man that I went to school with. We reconnected and we both want to see where it goes. The Lord works in a mysterious way!!
 I am excited to spread my wings and see what happens. I never thought that one could reconnect via text the way that this young man and I have connected, but I know that the Lord hears and answers prayers and we have both been praying for the next step in life to come our way. This may seem crazy, but we both feel that this is gonna work out and that our prayers are being answered. We both feel great and want to go about this in a manner that proves that!! I will keep all informed. Life sure can throw some interesting curves and hills and valleys upon us and as we let them happen and follow along the Lord unfolds a great path that although not easier is the right one and the one that He will lead us through and help us follow. It is amazing if you really take the time to see just how in our loves the Lord is. He leads and guides us and if we take the time to recognize that you will see just how much leading and guiding is done!
 The more aware I become of the participation the Lord had in my life that more and more I am letting Him truly lead me. He has led me all over the US and I know that I am going where He needs me to be. He knows that I need to find a place that feels like home and where I can settle down and raise the children that are waiting for me to get the ball rolling and bring them here. Miracles do happen and I know that I am in the midst of one!!  I am grateful and humbled that such an amazing world has been shown me!  The Lord is leading my mother more and more into the light and peace and happiness that the gospel has and that means if all works out she would be able to be there to witness me being sealed! This is a fulfillment in part of a blessing that was given me more than once!! The Lord knows the perfect timing and I am willing to wait for all things to come into alignment and be amazed over and over again!!
 I still have many hurdles to jump and fears to overcome, but I know that as long as I stay on the Lord's side I can and will overcome all that is placed before me. Who is willing to join me??

Learning and Remembering

The past few weeks have been ones of reflection and learning. I have realized that I miss some of my friends and my family for the simple things and not for any pain or misunderstandings that we might have had. I realized that there are something that I have to get over my pains and insecurities about people leaving my life. If they leave then there is nothing that I can do and can't live in fear that everyone that I love will leave me because I am too much to handle. It really is okay that friendships and other types of relationships have long periods of silence and it doesn't mean that I have been forgotten or that anyone has given up on me. Each day I am learning that people will be people and that means that sometimes someone or many get hurt in the process. I know that I have caused my fair share of pain and afflicted more than enough sorrow on those that I love and for that I am truly sorry. I am weak when it comes to that and I am working on it. I have a long ways to go!
I am learning so much about me and what my role in this mortal life is and I can't even believe that I was chosen to come down at this time and be here do what I am doing. I know that I am a teacher of the gospel and that the other half of me is still missing. I am at a place right now where I am happier than I have ever been, but feel incomplete like there is something missing and I don't know what else I have to do to get it. I am trying to be where I need to be and do what I need to do and I am trying to prepare for the other half of me, but I am missing something and I am not sure what it is. I feel like I am where I belong and doing what I am supposed to do, but I also feel like I am missing out on something that is right here in front of me and I don't know what it is. I am trying to be nice to everyone and not be as outspoken as I tend to be, but then I feel fake. I am learning that being me works for some, but not for most and I am not sure what that means for me. I just know that something is missing and I need it more than I ever have and desire it more than I ever have. I am sure that having so many friends getting engaged and married isn't helping me, but I feel great joy for them and know that they are on the right path that leads to exaltation.
The more I sit and think the more I realize that I am making great and very hard changes in my life and I can only hope that that means that I am getting to a point where I can let the real me show to everyone. Self-discovery sure is tiring and hard, but I know that it will be worth it. The Lord is preparing me for something and although I want it to be what my heart desires, I might have to wait longer and go a different way to get that desire. I don't really know I just hope that I am ready for whatever it is and that I can fulfill it with all that I have. The more I learn about myself the more I see that I have a lot more to offer to those around me than I am offering right now and that is not a good thing. Time to let my light shine and stand as a beacon for others to come to when they need to be guided safely into harbor!
The life sure is crazy, but I am learning to love all of the twists, turns, bumps, and ruts that it throws at me. My faith is simple, but it is firm and strong and that is how I keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when that step is into the dark.

Lessons Learned!!

  The past few weeks have been riveting to say the least. I totaled my car, got started in a job, got my first paycheck and am in the hunt for a bike. I am learning that I am able to handle  lot more than I thought I could. I think that not having a car is going to help me to get back into shape. There are other lessons that I have to learn and that I  am learning and this time really trying to learn. The more I open my eyes and look at the world around me the more I realize how closed my eyes have been. The more I realize this the more I recognize that I have hurt so many people that have tried to help or that I have pushed away, so that I can hide my true self and especially the issues that I have. I am trying to change that one person at a time and make up my selfishness in the most simple of ways. I have a long ways to go and many people to as forgiveness from. One day restitution will be made and I can feel as though I have done all that I can to make things better between me and them.
  The Lord sure does know me and what I need to grow and overcome my biggest hurdle, myself. This being said I am trying to get over myself and then go from there. There is something liberating about come to terms with my weaknesses and open up to the ways that I need to change and how I need to do it. I can't say that it is going to be easy, but I know that it will be worth it. I have so many things that I need to get through, that it is going to be something of a miracle in my life when all is said and done. I can see that the Lord is answering my prayers and that lets me know that He is aware of me and answers the prayers that I don't always voice. This past year or so has been one of the most amazing journeys that I have ever been on and I know that the next year is bound to be one miracle after another! Here's to that!
 With each passing hour comes the knowledge that life is livable and that I can make it. I am going to be happy even when things look like they are going all wrong. Happiness is far more worth it than living in the dark abyss that I have been in for most of my life. True happiness comes from within and I am the one that controls that not the circumstances around me!! Here is to the learning that keeps coming my way and the blessings that I have yet to recognize!!

Its never to Late to Slow Down and Smell the Roses!

The past few weeks have been interesting to say the least!! I started volunteering at the Bishop's store house and love it!! It is nice to be able to get out and serve! I would have been there more this past week, but I got into a car accident and have been without a car, which makes it hard to do much of anything. I also started my new job and although training is tedious and will take me pretty much two more months I feel like I am where I need to be for the moment. I am going to go back and get an associates in Business Management in hopes that I can stay in the apartment complex that I am in right now, and also because I think that I am more business minded than I thought. So many things happen in my life each and every day, but I am learning and with each lesson I grow more firm in my faith and more grounded in my testimony.
There is something to helping others and being reminded that there are people that are way worse off than I ever thought of being. Helping them has opened my eyes to what it must be like to never have enough to take care of those that you love or even just yourself. It is humbling to have to ask for help and it isn't easy to go and say that I can't take care of this, but when you do you get to see the Lord in action through His chosen leaders and other children. I must say that He is so very mindful of what we need and knows that He can reach us if we ask Him to. I struggle with this and now that I am getting some help I am realizing that there is no shame in asking when you are doing all that you can to make ends meet and it just isn't working out the way that you planned. Time to swallow the pride and realize that none of us can do it alone, we all need help in one way or another. That is just the way that it is... even rich people have their problems that they need help with. No one in this mortal life is exempt from needing to ask for help.
The accident was not so fun, but upon reflection of why it might have happened (other than me running a red, due to I don't even really know what) and what I can learn from it and how to apply those lessons in my life I have come to a rather startling discovery for myself.... I need to slow down!!! I was overlooking the blessings that the Lord was giving me and not allowing myself the time to reflect and think of the ways that I am being blessed. If I don't take the time to stop and smell the roses so to speak then I am not able to seek and find the answers that I am asking for. I need these answers if I want to progress in this life. There is no way that I can get to the Celestial Kingdom if I am rushing around neglecting the answers that I am being given. If I want to get married and have solid and amazing friendships then I had better start applying the answers that I have been given and will be given, so that I am what the Lord needs me to be. I can't be what I want to be and I for sure can't help people with seeking the answers that they need to keep progressing with me. I thought the accident that I got in last April was my wake up call, but I guess I needed two more to really get it. Now that I hope I have it I can move forward and make sure that I am taking the time needed to get my answers and get myself fully on the path back to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ!!
I have so many relationships that I need to repair and I hope that you can all bare with me and let me get to you as I am able. I want to fix it all right now, but I know that I can't been there and tried that... it just kills me to be pulled in that many directions. I am going to fix them each one by one until those that are left in my life know where we stand and know what our friendship means to me. I value my friendships and relationships so dearly and so deeply that I hurt losing any that take the time to help me in any way. I am weak and I know this but I also know that with great people surrounding me I become strong and so do all those that are part of the great fabric of our lives... we are as weak as our weakest link and when you take the time to strengthen that then we can all become stronger and more unified together.

The First Night of the Rest of my Life!!

 Tonight I finally made myself talk with the Lord in a way that I have never really talked with Him before. I can't say that it was easy or that I really said all that mush, but it is a step that I have needed to take for a very long time and it is a huge step forward. I know that I have a lot longer to go in this journey of ultimate healing and my quest for inner peace and balance. I just know that I am going to need all the help and support that I can get from those that are in my life at the moment. I learned that I can't try to do this on my own and that the Lord doesn't put people in your life just so you can drift apart when there is so much more that you can learn from one another.
  I have come to the realization that I all too often don't allow others to help me the way that the Lord fully intended me to and that that is limiting me in my ability to overcome my insecurities and allow others to develop their skills and talents that the Lord has given them. If I don't let others help then I am in a way telling the Lord that He isn't giving me enough and that what He is giving me isn't what I need.
   I also realized that I was never really practicing what I preached when it came to the Atonement and that means that the lessons weren't as the Lord would have liked them to be. I can't possibly hope to lift another and help them more fully live the gospel when I am not doing the same in my life. There is so many things that I need to learn and hope to learn with the help of you out there that are reading this. I am nothing without the Lord and as for any strength others might perceive me to have it is given me of the Lord and to be truly honest I am not as strong as most think that I am. I am just a lost and scared woman that is trying to find her way back home and at the moment is a little confused as to how she ended up where she is.
  I have many things that cannot be expressed in words, but I know that I am going to a plain on this plan that is The Plan of Happiness that I have never ever been before and although it is going to hurt and I am a bit scared it is going to be worth it. I am going to find ways to find joy in me journey and hope that I can along the way help to life those of God's children placed in my path to do the same!! The gospel is an amazing gift and it is about time that I finally received it fully!!

Let the True Healing Begin!

  I have finally come to terms that I have many issues and that now is the time that it is time to get through this and find the peach that I am in need of. I have actually come up with a plan to really allow for the healing to become  completely healed and able to move to a stage to be who it is that I need to be. I want more than anything to be a reliable and stable friend that can be there no matter what. I have thought this out and think that until I reach my main goal of stability which means that I need to have the relationship I dream of with my Heavenly Father and leave it in at His feet in the name of the Savior. This is the only way that I can truly and fully find the balance that is needed to have lasting and stable relationships with those that are a part of my life. This is going to be a very long process and I am going to need encouragement and prayers to get to that place and I know that there are going to be hard times. Please stay with me as I am getting a new heart and a new me. 

   Here is the plan that I have come up with: 

The one thing that keeps coming to my mind with coming to terms with all the anxiety that I hold within is to tell it all to Heavenly Father. If I can get this relationship where it needs to be then I know that I can find the balance that I need so badly. 

Here is what I feel that I need to do in this:

   1.) Take the emails, letters, and every other things that posses the hurt that is with in and take it to Heavenly Father and lay it at the feet of the Savior. These two relationships need to be the strongest in order for me to get through the darkness of my past and the only way that I can fix the relationships that I hold dear here on the earth. 

   2.) Once I take this baggage to the Lord I need to make an assessment of my life and repent of all the things that I have done that need to be corrected and erased. 

          a.) this means that I am going to have to make restitution to all that I have hurt or do my best to do such. 

          b.) this also means that I get to be honest to myself more completely and take the blame where it is my fault 

          c.) I also get to align myself more fully with the will of the Lord and become one with Him

  3.) After I repent and make restitution I need to set more realistic goals and do all that I can to achieve them one step at a time

  4.) I need to realize that this isn't going to happen overnight and might mean that I stay in counseling longer than I might want to and make sure that I have the tools needed to stay grounded and balanced and get through all that has happened to me! 

   I am sure that I am going to stumble. I am going to do all that I can to make a difference in my life and get all the potential i have to give and fulfill. Now I just have to have hope when it doesn't seem that there is anything that is going my way!! This is a new year and time for a new me!! 

Things You Take for Granted and my mists of Darkness!

  As of late I have been brought to a remembrance of the things I all to often take for granted. Things such as personal touch with people, friends that love me and accept me for who I am and what I have to offer now, having a firm knowledge of what I am and what I stand for, the peace that the gospel brings to my life. I just don't know where I would be without these things that I am grateful for. I realized that I might not need as much social interaction as some, but that I do need more than I thought and that getting out of the city made me realize that I am not a city girl, but that I can make it in the city if I need to!  I can't believe all of the small miracles that I over look on a daily basis and that I forget that my Heavenly Father gave to me that I might remember Him. Things such as: a roof over my head ( I am daily confronted with those that don't have that), my warm blankets and clothes, being able to use all five senses (even though some of them don't work as well as others), having nice clothes to wear, friends that care, and so many other personal and private miracles that He gives me each and every day!
  I have come to a realization about something that had never dawned on me before and really opened my eyes to how many levels each verse of the scriptures can hold and what they can do to help you realize the things that you need to change and over come. In the visions of the tree of life that Lehi and Nephi have in the Book of Mormon we hear of the mists of darkness and what that represents and how it keeps us from partaking of the fruit of the tree of life. In Lehi's account we know that the mist is there, but we don't really learn what it represents other than an obstacle in getting to the tree. In Nephi's account of the vision we learn that the mists of darkness represents the sins that we commit that keep us from finding and staying on the path to the tree of life. As I  was pondering this I came to realize that the mist isn't just our sins and that there are a great number of other things that keep us from staying on the straight and narrow path that aren't sins, but rather struggles that we have in our own lives that keep us from seeing the light and holding fast to the rod that leads us back to Christ. I thought that I would share some of mine.
   Those who know me best know that I am one of the most insecure people when it comes to relationships of any kind. Much of this has to do with not really having had much experience with stable relationships and the fact that the ones that were supposed to be stable with uncles and what not turned in to a hellish nightmare that has left me rather skeptical about anyone really needing to get too close to me or wanting to seeing as I can't really be worth it if the ones that are supposed to protect me find me more like a piece of meat that can be chewed on and spit out and their own fancy. I know that this is not a good vision to have of ones self, but that is the interesting thing about being sexually abused, it skews all of your thoughts and makes it so hard to let people close that you end up pushing them away. This is a mist of darkness for me, because it leads me away from valuing myself as a valuable person in a relationship and the happiness that comes from feeling like things are okay and that they are secure where they are. the Lord never wanted me to push people away, but this is what I find myself doing when I feel the least bit threatened or insecure about any relationship that I have in my life, if you don't believe me go ahead and ask my family, I many times in my life have cut them off from the darkness that resides in my mind.
  Another mist of darkness that I have in my life is myself. This might sound weird to some, but I am my own worst enemy. I tend to talk myself out of doing anything that would bring me the happiness that I seek, because most of the time I don't feel as though I am worth it. I mean really who wants to stay in my life and see how messed up I really am?? I know that there are those of you who do, but this is the daily battle that I have with myself. I am getting better at pushing that thought away, but sometimes it gets the best of me and I crack and make people run. I know that I have a lot of work to do and I am trying, but this keeps me from the path more than any other mist of darkness in my life. Without the love that I need for myself I am rendered crippled to love those around me the way that the Savior loved those around Him. When I fix this many of my insecurities will disappear and then maybe I won't scare so many people away from me.
  I have many more mists of darkness that I could share, but I think that this is enough and I would hope that you can find your personal mists of darkness and realize what they are holding you back from and try to correct that so that you can partake of the tree of life and gain exaltation. I know that I want to live with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ again, but I also know that right now I have a lot of work that I might be worthy of that great and precious blessing. All I ask of you that are a part of my life is to be patient and give me a chance to change and become. This is a long process, but I know that as I turn my life and heart and will over to the Savior it is possible and He will make me whole again!

Wow talk about taking a vacation from this blogging thing!

  Well now that it has been many many months since I last posted anything on here I thought that I would come back and try to get more regular at sharing on this thing!! What good is it if I don't use it right??!!
  It has been some of the most difficult months of my life as of late. I did finally graduate and although that in itself is a miracle I haven't really been over joyous about it. I have shed many tears and managed to survive the ups and downs of friendships (or at least I am trying to). I have moved to Salt Lake City, Utah in hopes of a new start and found that finding a job is one of the most frustrating endeavors known to man!! I have felt very alone and almost to the point of just calling it quits and going home to New York and really starting over not wanting to deal with the life that I have here. Good thing I follow what the Lord says, because I would have left the west along time ago if I didn't. I think that although New York is not the place for me the people there get me a lot better and are more accepting in many ways of how I am, which makes it easier for me to just be me. I love it here though, because I can talk the gospel and get energized through a great and meaningful conversation and not have to worry about a ton of nasty things getting said to me. I still have a lot to learn and although done with formal education for now I am still in school, the school of life.
  There is so much that I could say and I don't really know where to start. Well, a breakthrough of sorts I guess is where I can start!! I actually cried in front of people in the past 6 months!! This might sound rather mundane to some, but for me it is big as I just don't do things like that when there are people in my  presence. I just couldn't hold the tears in and Heavenly Father sent me some angels to help me through those rather dark times. I am still healing and recovering from those and trying to gain control over the anxiety monster that dwells in my soul. I just have to take it one day at a time and keep praying that I can right the wrongs that I have made and find peace in the rights that I have made and go from there.
  I have to keep telling myself that some relationships are meant to last a life time and some are only meant to last while the other person needs them to and that is okay. I am just going to keep praying and opening my eyes to the beautiful people that the Lord has put into my life and hold on to the great memories of the ones that have left me. Time to turn a new page and start to let people see who I really am and not what they think that I am. Gone is the me that allows others to control how I heal and what I get over. Gone is the me that allows for others to dictate my happiness and worth. Gone in the me that holds on to people that don't really want to be an active part of my life. I know that I am worth more than that and that I have much to give!!
  I have a lot to offer and I offer it freely, but there are limits to what I can give and I now need to start to realize what my limits are. I can no longer be the one that gives all and doesn't get filled back. I can't keep emptying myself in hopes that others will fill me!! I am going to rely on the Lord to be filled and seek for people that give as much as they receive, so that I feel as though I am worth it! I have those in my life that already to that, but I need to surround myself with them and that is where I struggle. I will still help those that struggle and offer a shoulder to cry on and an open ear which listens, but I am not going to allow them to take over my life and suck me to the point of running on fumes. I can't afford to do that anymore it takes to long for me to recover. I have people that I can bless and I need to do that to as many of the children of God as I can.
   This may seem harsh to some and there are some that won't get it, but that is okay maybe only I am meant to get it. I can no longer allow for others to give and take away what I feel about myself, if you don't like what I have to give then you are more than welcome to move on and no longer be a part of my life. All I can offer you is to be a true friend that won't run whenever you fall or struggle. I will give you my heart and help you, but if you can't handle or don't want that then maybe being my friend isn't the best option for either one of us. And even if we do part ways I will still be there for you if ever you need an ear or a shoulder. I don't take lightly my promises to others that I will ALWAYS be there no matter what! I am loyal to a default and subject to many behaviors that don't make sense to others, but the ones that get me know that it is me expressing my love for them in the best way that I know how. I have a heart full of love and desire only to give that love away, in spite of all the pain and suffering I have been through in my short time on the earth.
   One day I will fully use the Atonement and be healed wholly of the pains that I never share with anyone. When that day comes you won't believe who I will be and then I know that I will finally feel worth it to all that I offer my heart to!
   The gospel is true and I know that it will lead me to a peace and happiness that I have yet to experience. Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father live, they love us and they desire only that we return to them. I know that eternal life is possible, but only if we give our wills to Them and allow us to be molded into the people that they know us to be! I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Short and Sweet!

  I haven't been here in a while and thought that I would drop in! Life is great and I am still learning and growing. I have a long way to go, but I am ready and think that I am starting to get a hold of this thing called life. I don't understand it all, but I can see that the more I learn and apply the more I am able to find other things that I need to ponder and then make course corrections on.
  The semester is drawing to and end and although I am anxious for the end, I am also sad as I have grown and learned so much this semester! I never would have thought that I would have come this far at the beginning of me posting. I can't wait to see what challenges come my way and how I overcome them for the next 7 weeks without counseling and with the change that will occur! I am hoping to keep gaining ground and not lose it the way that I did a few short months ago, although I must admit that that slip has brought more growth than I have seen in many years!! Heres to growth!!

Reflections of the woman within!

  So, life sure is interesting and full of opportunities to learn! I have been doing that a lot lately and can't believe all that I have learned and all that I still must learn! This past week I have been reflecting on who I am thanks to my counselor and instead of stifling the thoughts of womanhood and how that applies to me I have let them come and through this process have come to learn some really amazing things that I didn't really ever equate with myself. It is interesting what the Lord teaches those that are seeking for answers through his Spirit. I have come to realize that I am more a woman that I thought I was!
  One of the great things that I have opened myself to is that I am caring and gentle and that a woman has these abilities that she might be better able to care for her children and those around her. I don't like to admit that I am a huge teddy bear and that my greatest joy in life is making others happy no matter the cost to myself, but alas I am one of those bleeding hearts that has been stepped on one to many times and put my heart in a steel encasement that I might not get hurt. As unattractive as this might be, I have been protected from the hurt of others for the most part, but now I need to open back up and let others all the way into this heart of mine that I might fulfill the mission that the Lord has for me here on Earth! This is indeed scary for me as I know that it means that pain is going to come my way and as of right now my tools for handling that are dull and not prepared in such a manner that I can deal with that. I am working on sharpening those tools and think that once they are sharp enough I might actually be able to make a difference in the lives of those around me as well as in my own life.
  As I am slowly making these changes I have noticed that many of the reasons that the people around me seem to say what they say, is because they see glimpses of the real me and want to see her more than I let her show. I am not sure when I will be able to unleash her all of the way, but as the Lord shows me who he wants me to become I will be able to to unleash her more and more. I think that the more I learn how to deal with her and what she has to offer the more I will be able to not run away in fear and not think that I am just going to be hurt all of the time. This wall between my real heart and the one that I give to others is becoming softer each day, but the big challenge lies with in me and not giving into the temptation of hiding that from others for fear of it getting smashed into a million pieces. I guess I got tired of having to piece it back together and now I am seeing that it is in the piecing it back together that the Lord makes ones heart new. I don't know how it is that he does this, but I can see that my heart is not new and thus more prone to give in to the temptations of the world, which makes it harder for me to be the type of disciple that I desire to be. This journey that I am on makes for a lot of change and a lot of settled things to be made unsettled and then resettled in the way that the Lord wants and needs to to be within me, that I might be the person the he needs and wants me to be. Well, I think that I need more time to ponder and thus I will. Have a great day all!

The Sweet Peace of the Spirit and what He taught me!

  So,  This past few weeks has been interesting and enlightening! My mom made it back home safely, I celebrated my 3 years till I am thirty day, and was taught a very sweet lesson from the Spirit!  (oh, and I started working at a call center) I would say that I have been moving forward and getting ready to get done with school. I can't wait till December and my end of undergraduate studies! I am most excited to meet up with sum old chums and making money that will hopefully make me through job hunting again! Life sure moves faster than I want it to at time and far too slow too, what a paradox that this life is! I am glad for it though and can't wait to see where the Lord takes me after this!
  Back to filling in what I was taught by the Spirit this week! It is something that I didn't realize that I had last until not too long ago and am still trying to figure out how I never gained this testimony. It came as I was reading in the Doctrine and Covenants and stopped to ponder a question that my counselor asked me to ponder and work on for the next week, it was not a grand experience nor one that yielded a vision, but and answer to prayers non the less! The question that I was asked to ponder was who I am... and as I thought of this I had the thought first and for most that I am a daughter of God. It was the sweetest spiritual experience that I have ever had. I can't believe how sudden the answer came or how I was even brought to think of that question, but I am grateful that I am a daughter of God and that He taught me that in the most gentle and amazingly simple ways. I don't know what it is that makes things click, but I am sure grateful that that is what is happening for me now! There is no greater gift that having the knowledge that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me for who I am now and is pulling for me to become who I am to be to fulfill the mission that He has for my life here on earth! Let the molding begin!
  Well, I must now go to the temple and feel of His love even more than I have in the past few days!

Burn out and Resurrection!

This past nine days has been great with my mom around, but I find myself not wanting to get school done and this is not a good thing. I am burned out and have stopped really caring which is reflected in my attendance in the three classes that I am in. One teacher is calling me on it and this worries me I just hope that I am able to pass the class and be done with it. Musicianship is just not a class that I do well in and I can't seem to figure out how to pull my ear training out of the darkness and into the light and this scares me as I don't want to come back to take it in the winter!
I am trying to stay positive, but feel as though I am slipping and that is why I am going to go to the temple today and reset/recharge myself. There is a power in the temple that calms me that I have not really found anywhere else and through experience with not attending regularly and attending regularly I know that I need to always live close to one, so that I can stay spiritually happy. I went last week, but my charge is getting weak, so I am going to go again! I am also going to get on a schedule! I am not doing well with the crazy hours that I am keeping and the face that I am now employed will relieve a burden that was weighing quite heavily upon me. I am going to miss my mom and all, but I am glad that I am back to being on my own and that I will soon have an income and not have to rely on her as much as I have been this past few months! I can't say that money won't be tight, but I am going to make it if I have to cry and bleed to do it!
My big stress right now is how I am supposed to pay my rental car off and now come up with the funds for my car that decided that it needed to have engine problems this week! My mom is helping me out a little bit, but I am going to pay her back and hope that it is not going to be way expensive for me to pay off as I am not going to let my mom do that! I know she wants to help, but at nearly 27 she can't support me as much as she has been financially, I am an adult and need to start acting like it again! I have faith and hope that it will all work out the way that it is supposed to and that I will one day look back at this day and laugh at all that I thought was so hard and I am sure wish that I could come back to this time when things were so much easier!
This past week I made a commitment that I was no longer going to break the speed limit as do my best to stay right at what it says! I know that this might sound a bit trivial, but the Doctrine and Covenants tells us that if we are disciples of the Lord that we have no need to break the laws of the land and that struck me that if I can't obey the speed limit that I am not living my covenants and that is not going to get me where I want to be! I am doing well and have found that by going the speed limit I get to places in what seems to be a shorter time than if I go faster. Go figure! I know this might not make sense, but give it a try and see what it is that I am saying!! The Lord blesses those that are obedient to his commandments and this is what following the speed limit has taught me in a way that I haven't learned in a long while!
Well, I need to go, but I will write more at some point in time this week!

More Lessons Learned!

  So, who knew that so many interesting people existed in the world?! I am on an online dating site, although that is not why I really use it and I started chatting with this young man and we skyped as it is a good way to communicate with a picture that is up to date and what not! And I feel so unclean now after talking to him that I don't know when I am going to be able to sleep! Things stated out normal and ended not so normal and I felt as though if he really had the chance he would take advantage of me in person and just don't get why I keep getting guys like this. I am going to be fine though and hope that I can attract a more normal guy that can help me become a better person and reach my full potential. Thing will work out!
  On an happier note, I am starting to really figure some pretty deep things out about myself that I think I can work on as I begin to open wounds and memories that I have blocked for so long. I think that my abuse is not the problem, although it did shape me and cause damage I really don't think that that is the source of my pain and am trying to piece together a childhood that I really don't remember so that I can get to the source of my pain and sorrow. I am not sure how long this will take, but I do know that as I get there it is going to help me build the relationship I want with my Heavenly Father as I will truly begin to trust him. I feel that as I gain this trust and really begin to open my heat to him I will be able to gain this love I lack for myself. I don't know when I lost this love of myself, but I did and I need it back, so that I can become all that I am to become. I give much love, but I know that I can give even more when I gain love of self and truly desire that I am able to do this!
  My mom is coming out to visit me and I am picking her up tomorrow. I am so very excited to see here after nearly 18 months of not seeing her and hope that I can help her to relax and recover some spiritual stamina that she might be able to keep the faith. Life really is a challenge and the more that I give into being negative and not doing all that I can to life those around me, the more I am unable to become as the Savior. I look forward to the great food and opportunities that await me as I spend time with my mother. There is going to be growth in this experience as there is in every experience that we are brought into.
  I want to thank all of my friends and family for helping me when I am down. I promise that one day and I hope that that day is soon I will be as if I were a new person no longer bogged down by the pain that is in my soul. When this day comes I hope that I can share with you the joy that will fill my heart and hopefully help me to be what you all see in me. I love you all and pray that you will be able to feel of the love of the Savior and know that He is listening and will answer all of your prayers when it is time for them to be answered!

A New Day, Another Lesson!

   Today has been interesting in that I thought that I was going to be able to stay happy all day, but that did not quite happen. I seem to struggle most when there is rain and dark overcast skies surrounding me. I don't know why I grew up with that, but it seems to make me very not happy and more liable to be mean or at least not as nice as I should be to those around me. I need to solve this issue and fast! I am going to take it to the Lord and see what He says that I should do! 

    I am doing a practicum for my religion class for the next two weeks, and I am excited yet extremely nervous to try to pull this off! I am changing my language, meaning that if there happens to be cuss words they are gone, but more importantly the biggest and probably hardest thing for me is that I am going to become more positive. I am great when it comes to encouraging those around me, but well not so hot at staying positive about my life and what not! I also am going to try to be positive about all that is going on around me. I struggle seeing the point sometimes and then get all depressed about the work that has to be done and why I have to do it. I need to be more optimistic about all that is going on in my life and the lives of those around me! I think that as I learn this skill, I will be better able to help those around me and do those things that I am here to do! 

  On a lighter and for me much much happier note, after nearly 18 months of not seeing my mother she is COMING here to Idaho to see me! I am so very excited and can't wait to see her. I think that I forget sometimes that I am close to my family, even when they say things like don't come home you make things worse! Although that hurts I still love them and would do anything that I could to help them if it was in my power to help them that is. One of my biggest dreams is that they will find God and turn to him for the help that they stand in need of, so that they might be happier and healthier people. One day this will happen and then will joy over flow from my soul and then will I know that they are paying attention to me, even when it feels as though they are not! 

  I will have to keep you all up on how my mother's visit goes! I am sure that as I strive to get through this hard time in my life I will one day look back and realize just how much Christ has carried me and made it so that I don't have to go through this alone. When that day comes I will think of it as one of the greatest miracles of my life! 

The Blessing of the temple!

Today after waiting for an hour to get unlocked out of my apartment I was blessed to be able to attend the temple. For those of you who don't know what a temple is go to lds.org and look under the menu tab under The Church tab the sub heading of temple. It is an amazing place where heaven meets earth and inspiration and other amazing things come to pass. I try to go every week as I need to have a spiritual recharge every week and that seems to put me in the best place to prepare for partaking of the sacrament. Today was great as I learned great things and noticed things that I had not before. Sorry, if you want more information I cannot give it because I made a promise with my Father in Heaven not to share what goes on in the temple outside of the temple with anyone. As I was in the Celestial Room I was able to allow the Spirit to teach my spirit more about being of divine worth and although not all the way wrapped around this in my head, my spirit let me know that this is true. I really do have divine worth and that I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. I still have to write this on my heart and sear it into my brain, but this is a step in the right direction! There is still much for me to do that I might start to live up to this potential, but now that I know more about it I can start to make the changes that I need to make and then I will look back and say I really did know that I am a daughter of God with divine worth, I just lost my way and had to learn all over again. I am grateful that I have people in my life that care enough about me to remind me that I have great faith in the gospel, as I tend to forget and meander along thinking that there is nothing left. I just have to remember where I have come form and what I have gone through and realize that I have this iron will that won't let me give up and keep running away, but it will make me face the demons and help those around me even when I don't really want to!
 My next big battle is not running from this pain that I carry in my soul that bogs me down and keeps me from pursuing the dreams that I have. I have these amazing ideas that I never let come out, because I don't think that I am good enough or the right person to bring them to pass. I let the fear of being rejected and steppes all over once again win out over the fact that I can maybe help to life another's burden through this means of offering a helping hand. The more I learn about what the Lord can do for me and has done for me that more I realize that  I just can't understand his ways, or the great power that he has, but I can tap into that power and learn how to act in his ways and thus this pain in my heart and soul can be healed and when I say healed I mean literally taken away! I just hope that I can trust him and those that he has put in my life  enough that this healing might take place and I can truly let my light shine! This is what I want and right now am not able to do, because I let the fear of letting go and getting hurt all over again stop me from showing this world what I am really like and who I really am. The person that some people get a glimpse of every now and again and wonder who she is and why she isn't around more often. The person that has all of this love to give and all of her life to live and not in fear, but uninhibited and free to be the happy soulful me that comes out only in short tid bits! I will let her out one day and she will stay forever and make a difference in this world!
  I am going to try to improve my language, meaning that I am going to try to be positive all of the time and try to defeat this negative unhappy self, and become the happy positive even for self self that needs to be here that she might lift the spirits of those around her! Some homework assignments really do stretch you!

Reflections!

  So, today as I have had some time to think about things and read over my patriarchal blessing (a blessing given through a man that holds the priesthood and is called by an apostle!) I realized that I really and truly don't have a testimony that I am a daughter of God and thus of great worth. I feel as though there is a glimmer of this understanding in my soul, but it doesn't seem to resonate within me as the other great doctrines of the restored gospel. I don't know how this happened, but I know that I need to gain this testimony and then allow the Lord to truly mold me into the person that He needs me to be. The more that I study about the atonement and the more I try to apply this greatest of gifts to my life the more I realize that the only thing that I can give in my will and then stand back and watch what the Lord can do through me. I know I have a long ways to go, but I think that the Lord is really trying to open me up and show me that the pain can and will be taken away as I believe in his name and allow his blood and tears to heal me.
  I am constantly in awe of the amazing people that He has placed in my life! To me this is one of the greatest miracles that I have been a witness to. The phone calls, hugs, late night talks, emails, texts, stopping by just because they sense that I am not doing okay, and all of the other little and big things that they do for me on a daily basis. I wonder how it is that these people find me and then select me to be their friend? I know that the Lord has brought into my life these people that I know that I knew before as there is no other way to describe the bond that is formed. I am not saying that all of my friends are like this, but I know that there are a few and they are the ones that have impacted my life the most and helped me to see some of the potential that I have. I only wish that I was more eloquent in my abilities to convey to them verbally what it is that they have done in my life. I know that I have written them and tried to be there for them not matter the cost to me, but I just don't think that that is enough, for in many ways they have saved my life from the downward spiral that it tends to go in a few times a year! They answer my prayers more than they can or will ever know! I love them and would literally give my life for them that they might remain here to bless the lives of others!
  Well, I think that this is enough for now. May the Lord bless you and keep you!

" O, wretched woman that I am..."

So, the title does not mean all that you think that it does, but at times I am called to remember how weak and stubborn I am. I keep thinking that I will get better without asking for or taking help from others, but in the end that works against me. I mean I am getting better and all, I just don't seem to have any energy and that is not a good thing. I have this deep rooted fear that I am not going to make it through my musicianship class again and I just can't think of staying here for another semester to take this class. I am hoping and praying that I will be able to figure it out and make it through. I know that I am getting closer to getting it, but I just don't think that I am there yet! I am at a cross roads with this and don't know what I am to do. I feel as though I have beet these things over the head with a steel beam and it just isn't there! I am sure that I can work it out, but I just want the comfort now! Okay, enough!
 I have found that the rain puts me in a rather depressed mood and I don't like it! I have tried to think happy thoughts and even watched a two year old that has so much love in her tiny frame and I just can't seem to get to a really happy place. Sometimes I feel as though it would be easier to leave this place and go somewhere where no one knows who I am and start over without letting anyone know where I am or what I am doing until I get things in my life straightened out. I know that this really won't help me due to having a hard time with opening up to people that I don't know at all and the fact that change like that would probably make me a hermit, but the thought seems comforting when life gets me down. I just don't know how much I can take with the changing and the unsettled future that awaits me. I have these grand thoughts and ideas of changing the world one person at a time and have great ideas that I think would help, but then the fear and doubt seep in and I slink away from those grad designs and feel like trash! I can only hope that I can overcome this and move forward!
 I must say that the world sure seems to be enwrapped with tragedy and I wish that this was going to get better, but it is not. These are the signs of the times that are to come before Christ reigns on earth again. The earth must purge those things that cause her to be not pure and that means that there has to be heart ache and suffering by us mere humans. Each natural disaster that strikes makes my heart ache and my soul yearn to be with those people that they might lean upon my shoulder and hopefully feel the love of God! I wish that I could open my eyes wide enough that I might see and feel His love more in my life, but I get so lost in myself that I seem to never remember. This is why the title is what it is. I cannot seem to let the natural man be controlled by my spirit and that means that I suffer far more than I need to with trivial and menial things, that have no true meaning for me attaining my place with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ! I want this, but don't seem to be strong enough to live to that blessing. I feel as though I am not good enough to hold onto friends or loved ones in a manner that allows for satisfaction or true bonds that can't be broken. I ask all of the time where the 19 year old convert that was secure with the relationships that she had went as she is gone and this person that is here now is the shell of her former self and the dreams that she had seem to be gone from the view of even the remotest parts of her soul? Where was the me that knew the gospel was true and opened her mouth before the mission and shared with boldness those things that would help others to feel the love that the Savior has for them? Where is the person that truly laughed and smiled in pure joy and jubilation just because there was a feeling of love showed to her? I want her back, but I pushed her so far down that I don't know that she will ever come back and allow those around her to see the person that I am really am.
 I am weak and that is fine, I am scared and that too is fine, but what is not fine is the lack of faith that permeates my very soul when I most need that faith to pull me through. Very few people would say that I am faithless and I can't say that I am either, but it is smaller than the grain of a mustard seed at the moment, which is why I can't remove this mountain from before me. I am climbing and slip further and further down each time I climb one inch it feels as though I lose 5 more on the fall. I get being refined, but sometimes I just don't get the point of the trials that I have faced and am facing right now. I just want peace and the knowledge that I am loved and even when people tell me that they do love me I really wish that I could believe them, as I don't see one good reason when I am where I am too love me. I don't get the pull that I seem to have on people, or the reasons why they make me a part of their lives. I can't stand me and I don't know how they can I just don't get it! Before I get any deeper I am going to end this and try to deal with the emotions that I just surfaced!

The Ponderings of a Broken but not Beaten Soul!

 Being sick has a way of making you think of things that aren't always at the front of ones mind, but are very important! I have come to realize that although I have faith in the gospel and will never leave, I still lack the faith necessary to run towards that everlasting light that awaits me as I truly and fully rely on the Lord and not on my flesh. I seem to always be somewhere in the middle of fear and faith with more often than not the fear drowning out my faith. I want to have the faith of the prophets of old and Nephi ( a prophet in the Book of Mormon), but I can't seem get over my fears and anxieties long enough to actually make the move towards the light that is sufficient to allow the path to be lighted for me to become all that I am to become. I want to have the faith that can move mountains as stated in the Bible, but I can't seem to get there!
 I know that I need to be patient in my quest for healing and becoming, but at times like now I feel as though I am not making any progress and in fact am sliding back down into this black abyss that seems to swallow all that I love and the darkness once again engulfs my heart and I have no determination to do much of anything that is of worth. I know that I am better spiritually than I have been in such a long time, but that doesn't seem to be enough to encourage me to keep on the path that I am on, one that is full of pain and affliction and tribulation. I want to heal, I want to give me the same amount of love that I seem so willing and able to give to others, but I don't! I have been fighting these feelings of worthlessness and nothingness for so long it is as though I can't let them go, because I won't know who I am anymore and that is more unsettling and causes more fear in my soul than I can seem to handle in more than minute and almost non existing levels. I talk a good talk, but can't seem to walk the walk that that talk requires, I am not a complete hypocrite (but in some respects I am pretty darn close to being as they were), I just don't love myself anymore than let's say you love fleas fasting upon your blood! Big problem when the gospel is all about love and service!
 One day I shall have this love that I need to have and that will radiate to others and they will be able to be more comfortable around me!
 Enough for tonight, welcome to the dark and deep recesses of my soul!