So, This past few weeks has been interesting and enlightening! My mom made it back home safely, I celebrated my 3 years till I am thirty day, and was taught a very sweet lesson from the Spirit! (oh, and I started working at a call center) I would say that I have been moving forward and getting ready to get done with school. I can't wait till December and my end of undergraduate studies! I am most excited to meet up with sum old chums and making money that will hopefully make me through job hunting again! Life sure moves faster than I want it to at time and far too slow too, what a paradox that this life is! I am glad for it though and can't wait to see where the Lord takes me after this!
Back to filling in what I was taught by the Spirit this week! It is something that I didn't realize that I had last until not too long ago and am still trying to figure out how I never gained this testimony. It came as I was reading in the Doctrine and Covenants and stopped to ponder a question that my counselor asked me to ponder and work on for the next week, it was not a grand experience nor one that yielded a vision, but and answer to prayers non the less! The question that I was asked to ponder was who I am... and as I thought of this I had the thought first and for most that I am a daughter of God. It was the sweetest spiritual experience that I have ever had. I can't believe how sudden the answer came or how I was even brought to think of that question, but I am grateful that I am a daughter of God and that He taught me that in the most gentle and amazingly simple ways. I don't know what it is that makes things click, but I am sure grateful that that is what is happening for me now! There is no greater gift that having the knowledge that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me for who I am now and is pulling for me to become who I am to be to fulfill the mission that He has for my life here on earth! Let the molding begin!
Well, I must now go to the temple and feel of His love even more than I have in the past few days!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Burn out and Resurrection!
This past nine days has been great with my mom around, but I find myself not wanting to get school done and this is not a good thing. I am burned out and have stopped really caring which is reflected in my attendance in the three classes that I am in. One teacher is calling me on it and this worries me I just hope that I am able to pass the class and be done with it. Musicianship is just not a class that I do well in and I can't seem to figure out how to pull my ear training out of the darkness and into the light and this scares me as I don't want to come back to take it in the winter!
I am trying to stay positive, but feel as though I am slipping and that is why I am going to go to the temple today and reset/recharge myself. There is a power in the temple that calms me that I have not really found anywhere else and through experience with not attending regularly and attending regularly I know that I need to always live close to one, so that I can stay spiritually happy. I went last week, but my charge is getting weak, so I am going to go again! I am also going to get on a schedule! I am not doing well with the crazy hours that I am keeping and the face that I am now employed will relieve a burden that was weighing quite heavily upon me. I am going to miss my mom and all, but I am glad that I am back to being on my own and that I will soon have an income and not have to rely on her as much as I have been this past few months! I can't say that money won't be tight, but I am going to make it if I have to cry and bleed to do it!
My big stress right now is how I am supposed to pay my rental car off and now come up with the funds for my car that decided that it needed to have engine problems this week! My mom is helping me out a little bit, but I am going to pay her back and hope that it is not going to be way expensive for me to pay off as I am not going to let my mom do that! I know she wants to help, but at nearly 27 she can't support me as much as she has been financially, I am an adult and need to start acting like it again! I have faith and hope that it will all work out the way that it is supposed to and that I will one day look back at this day and laugh at all that I thought was so hard and I am sure wish that I could come back to this time when things were so much easier!
This past week I made a commitment that I was no longer going to break the speed limit as do my best to stay right at what it says! I know that this might sound a bit trivial, but the Doctrine and Covenants tells us that if we are disciples of the Lord that we have no need to break the laws of the land and that struck me that if I can't obey the speed limit that I am not living my covenants and that is not going to get me where I want to be! I am doing well and have found that by going the speed limit I get to places in what seems to be a shorter time than if I go faster. Go figure! I know this might not make sense, but give it a try and see what it is that I am saying!! The Lord blesses those that are obedient to his commandments and this is what following the speed limit has taught me in a way that I haven't learned in a long while!
Well, I need to go, but I will write more at some point in time this week!
I am trying to stay positive, but feel as though I am slipping and that is why I am going to go to the temple today and reset/recharge myself. There is a power in the temple that calms me that I have not really found anywhere else and through experience with not attending regularly and attending regularly I know that I need to always live close to one, so that I can stay spiritually happy. I went last week, but my charge is getting weak, so I am going to go again! I am also going to get on a schedule! I am not doing well with the crazy hours that I am keeping and the face that I am now employed will relieve a burden that was weighing quite heavily upon me. I am going to miss my mom and all, but I am glad that I am back to being on my own and that I will soon have an income and not have to rely on her as much as I have been this past few months! I can't say that money won't be tight, but I am going to make it if I have to cry and bleed to do it!
My big stress right now is how I am supposed to pay my rental car off and now come up with the funds for my car that decided that it needed to have engine problems this week! My mom is helping me out a little bit, but I am going to pay her back and hope that it is not going to be way expensive for me to pay off as I am not going to let my mom do that! I know she wants to help, but at nearly 27 she can't support me as much as she has been financially, I am an adult and need to start acting like it again! I have faith and hope that it will all work out the way that it is supposed to and that I will one day look back at this day and laugh at all that I thought was so hard and I am sure wish that I could come back to this time when things were so much easier!
This past week I made a commitment that I was no longer going to break the speed limit as do my best to stay right at what it says! I know that this might sound a bit trivial, but the Doctrine and Covenants tells us that if we are disciples of the Lord that we have no need to break the laws of the land and that struck me that if I can't obey the speed limit that I am not living my covenants and that is not going to get me where I want to be! I am doing well and have found that by going the speed limit I get to places in what seems to be a shorter time than if I go faster. Go figure! I know this might not make sense, but give it a try and see what it is that I am saying!! The Lord blesses those that are obedient to his commandments and this is what following the speed limit has taught me in a way that I haven't learned in a long while!
Well, I need to go, but I will write more at some point in time this week!
Monday, June 6, 2011
More Lessons Learned!
So, who knew that so many interesting people existed in the world?! I am on an online dating site, although that is not why I really use it and I started chatting with this young man and we skyped as it is a good way to communicate with a picture that is up to date and what not! And I feel so unclean now after talking to him that I don't know when I am going to be able to sleep! Things stated out normal and ended not so normal and I felt as though if he really had the chance he would take advantage of me in person and just don't get why I keep getting guys like this. I am going to be fine though and hope that I can attract a more normal guy that can help me become a better person and reach my full potential. Thing will work out!
On an happier note, I am starting to really figure some pretty deep things out about myself that I think I can work on as I begin to open wounds and memories that I have blocked for so long. I think that my abuse is not the problem, although it did shape me and cause damage I really don't think that that is the source of my pain and am trying to piece together a childhood that I really don't remember so that I can get to the source of my pain and sorrow. I am not sure how long this will take, but I do know that as I get there it is going to help me build the relationship I want with my Heavenly Father as I will truly begin to trust him. I feel that as I gain this trust and really begin to open my heat to him I will be able to gain this love I lack for myself. I don't know when I lost this love of myself, but I did and I need it back, so that I can become all that I am to become. I give much love, but I know that I can give even more when I gain love of self and truly desire that I am able to do this!
My mom is coming out to visit me and I am picking her up tomorrow. I am so very excited to see here after nearly 18 months of not seeing her and hope that I can help her to relax and recover some spiritual stamina that she might be able to keep the faith. Life really is a challenge and the more that I give into being negative and not doing all that I can to life those around me, the more I am unable to become as the Savior. I look forward to the great food and opportunities that await me as I spend time with my mother. There is going to be growth in this experience as there is in every experience that we are brought into.
I want to thank all of my friends and family for helping me when I am down. I promise that one day and I hope that that day is soon I will be as if I were a new person no longer bogged down by the pain that is in my soul. When this day comes I hope that I can share with you the joy that will fill my heart and hopefully help me to be what you all see in me. I love you all and pray that you will be able to feel of the love of the Savior and know that He is listening and will answer all of your prayers when it is time for them to be answered!
On an happier note, I am starting to really figure some pretty deep things out about myself that I think I can work on as I begin to open wounds and memories that I have blocked for so long. I think that my abuse is not the problem, although it did shape me and cause damage I really don't think that that is the source of my pain and am trying to piece together a childhood that I really don't remember so that I can get to the source of my pain and sorrow. I am not sure how long this will take, but I do know that as I get there it is going to help me build the relationship I want with my Heavenly Father as I will truly begin to trust him. I feel that as I gain this trust and really begin to open my heat to him I will be able to gain this love I lack for myself. I don't know when I lost this love of myself, but I did and I need it back, so that I can become all that I am to become. I give much love, but I know that I can give even more when I gain love of self and truly desire that I am able to do this!
My mom is coming out to visit me and I am picking her up tomorrow. I am so very excited to see here after nearly 18 months of not seeing her and hope that I can help her to relax and recover some spiritual stamina that she might be able to keep the faith. Life really is a challenge and the more that I give into being negative and not doing all that I can to life those around me, the more I am unable to become as the Savior. I look forward to the great food and opportunities that await me as I spend time with my mother. There is going to be growth in this experience as there is in every experience that we are brought into.
I want to thank all of my friends and family for helping me when I am down. I promise that one day and I hope that that day is soon I will be as if I were a new person no longer bogged down by the pain that is in my soul. When this day comes I hope that I can share with you the joy that will fill my heart and hopefully help me to be what you all see in me. I love you all and pray that you will be able to feel of the love of the Savior and know that He is listening and will answer all of your prayers when it is time for them to be answered!
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