Short and Sweet!

  I haven't been here in a while and thought that I would drop in! Life is great and I am still learning and growing. I have a long way to go, but I am ready and think that I am starting to get a hold of this thing called life. I don't understand it all, but I can see that the more I learn and apply the more I am able to find other things that I need to ponder and then make course corrections on.
  The semester is drawing to and end and although I am anxious for the end, I am also sad as I have grown and learned so much this semester! I never would have thought that I would have come this far at the beginning of me posting. I can't wait to see what challenges come my way and how I overcome them for the next 7 weeks without counseling and with the change that will occur! I am hoping to keep gaining ground and not lose it the way that I did a few short months ago, although I must admit that that slip has brought more growth than I have seen in many years!! Heres to growth!!

Reflections of the woman within!

  So, life sure is interesting and full of opportunities to learn! I have been doing that a lot lately and can't believe all that I have learned and all that I still must learn! This past week I have been reflecting on who I am thanks to my counselor and instead of stifling the thoughts of womanhood and how that applies to me I have let them come and through this process have come to learn some really amazing things that I didn't really ever equate with myself. It is interesting what the Lord teaches those that are seeking for answers through his Spirit. I have come to realize that I am more a woman that I thought I was!
  One of the great things that I have opened myself to is that I am caring and gentle and that a woman has these abilities that she might be better able to care for her children and those around her. I don't like to admit that I am a huge teddy bear and that my greatest joy in life is making others happy no matter the cost to myself, but alas I am one of those bleeding hearts that has been stepped on one to many times and put my heart in a steel encasement that I might not get hurt. As unattractive as this might be, I have been protected from the hurt of others for the most part, but now I need to open back up and let others all the way into this heart of mine that I might fulfill the mission that the Lord has for me here on Earth! This is indeed scary for me as I know that it means that pain is going to come my way and as of right now my tools for handling that are dull and not prepared in such a manner that I can deal with that. I am working on sharpening those tools and think that once they are sharp enough I might actually be able to make a difference in the lives of those around me as well as in my own life.
  As I am slowly making these changes I have noticed that many of the reasons that the people around me seem to say what they say, is because they see glimpses of the real me and want to see her more than I let her show. I am not sure when I will be able to unleash her all of the way, but as the Lord shows me who he wants me to become I will be able to to unleash her more and more. I think that the more I learn how to deal with her and what she has to offer the more I will be able to not run away in fear and not think that I am just going to be hurt all of the time. This wall between my real heart and the one that I give to others is becoming softer each day, but the big challenge lies with in me and not giving into the temptation of hiding that from others for fear of it getting smashed into a million pieces. I guess I got tired of having to piece it back together and now I am seeing that it is in the piecing it back together that the Lord makes ones heart new. I don't know how it is that he does this, but I can see that my heart is not new and thus more prone to give in to the temptations of the world, which makes it harder for me to be the type of disciple that I desire to be. This journey that I am on makes for a lot of change and a lot of settled things to be made unsettled and then resettled in the way that the Lord wants and needs to to be within me, that I might be the person the he needs and wants me to be. Well, I think that I need more time to ponder and thus I will. Have a great day all!

The Sweet Peace of the Spirit and what He taught me!

  So,  This past few weeks has been interesting and enlightening! My mom made it back home safely, I celebrated my 3 years till I am thirty day, and was taught a very sweet lesson from the Spirit!  (oh, and I started working at a call center) I would say that I have been moving forward and getting ready to get done with school. I can't wait till December and my end of undergraduate studies! I am most excited to meet up with sum old chums and making money that will hopefully make me through job hunting again! Life sure moves faster than I want it to at time and far too slow too, what a paradox that this life is! I am glad for it though and can't wait to see where the Lord takes me after this!
  Back to filling in what I was taught by the Spirit this week! It is something that I didn't realize that I had last until not too long ago and am still trying to figure out how I never gained this testimony. It came as I was reading in the Doctrine and Covenants and stopped to ponder a question that my counselor asked me to ponder and work on for the next week, it was not a grand experience nor one that yielded a vision, but and answer to prayers non the less! The question that I was asked to ponder was who I am... and as I thought of this I had the thought first and for most that I am a daughter of God. It was the sweetest spiritual experience that I have ever had. I can't believe how sudden the answer came or how I was even brought to think of that question, but I am grateful that I am a daughter of God and that He taught me that in the most gentle and amazingly simple ways. I don't know what it is that makes things click, but I am sure grateful that that is what is happening for me now! There is no greater gift that having the knowledge that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me for who I am now and is pulling for me to become who I am to be to fulfill the mission that He has for my life here on earth! Let the molding begin!
  Well, I must now go to the temple and feel of His love even more than I have in the past few days!

Burn out and Resurrection!

This past nine days has been great with my mom around, but I find myself not wanting to get school done and this is not a good thing. I am burned out and have stopped really caring which is reflected in my attendance in the three classes that I am in. One teacher is calling me on it and this worries me I just hope that I am able to pass the class and be done with it. Musicianship is just not a class that I do well in and I can't seem to figure out how to pull my ear training out of the darkness and into the light and this scares me as I don't want to come back to take it in the winter!
I am trying to stay positive, but feel as though I am slipping and that is why I am going to go to the temple today and reset/recharge myself. There is a power in the temple that calms me that I have not really found anywhere else and through experience with not attending regularly and attending regularly I know that I need to always live close to one, so that I can stay spiritually happy. I went last week, but my charge is getting weak, so I am going to go again! I am also going to get on a schedule! I am not doing well with the crazy hours that I am keeping and the face that I am now employed will relieve a burden that was weighing quite heavily upon me. I am going to miss my mom and all, but I am glad that I am back to being on my own and that I will soon have an income and not have to rely on her as much as I have been this past few months! I can't say that money won't be tight, but I am going to make it if I have to cry and bleed to do it!
My big stress right now is how I am supposed to pay my rental car off and now come up with the funds for my car that decided that it needed to have engine problems this week! My mom is helping me out a little bit, but I am going to pay her back and hope that it is not going to be way expensive for me to pay off as I am not going to let my mom do that! I know she wants to help, but at nearly 27 she can't support me as much as she has been financially, I am an adult and need to start acting like it again! I have faith and hope that it will all work out the way that it is supposed to and that I will one day look back at this day and laugh at all that I thought was so hard and I am sure wish that I could come back to this time when things were so much easier!
This past week I made a commitment that I was no longer going to break the speed limit as do my best to stay right at what it says! I know that this might sound a bit trivial, but the Doctrine and Covenants tells us that if we are disciples of the Lord that we have no need to break the laws of the land and that struck me that if I can't obey the speed limit that I am not living my covenants and that is not going to get me where I want to be! I am doing well and have found that by going the speed limit I get to places in what seems to be a shorter time than if I go faster. Go figure! I know this might not make sense, but give it a try and see what it is that I am saying!! The Lord blesses those that are obedient to his commandments and this is what following the speed limit has taught me in a way that I haven't learned in a long while!
Well, I need to go, but I will write more at some point in time this week!

More Lessons Learned!

  So, who knew that so many interesting people existed in the world?! I am on an online dating site, although that is not why I really use it and I started chatting with this young man and we skyped as it is a good way to communicate with a picture that is up to date and what not! And I feel so unclean now after talking to him that I don't know when I am going to be able to sleep! Things stated out normal and ended not so normal and I felt as though if he really had the chance he would take advantage of me in person and just don't get why I keep getting guys like this. I am going to be fine though and hope that I can attract a more normal guy that can help me become a better person and reach my full potential. Thing will work out!
  On an happier note, I am starting to really figure some pretty deep things out about myself that I think I can work on as I begin to open wounds and memories that I have blocked for so long. I think that my abuse is not the problem, although it did shape me and cause damage I really don't think that that is the source of my pain and am trying to piece together a childhood that I really don't remember so that I can get to the source of my pain and sorrow. I am not sure how long this will take, but I do know that as I get there it is going to help me build the relationship I want with my Heavenly Father as I will truly begin to trust him. I feel that as I gain this trust and really begin to open my heat to him I will be able to gain this love I lack for myself. I don't know when I lost this love of myself, but I did and I need it back, so that I can become all that I am to become. I give much love, but I know that I can give even more when I gain love of self and truly desire that I am able to do this!
  My mom is coming out to visit me and I am picking her up tomorrow. I am so very excited to see here after nearly 18 months of not seeing her and hope that I can help her to relax and recover some spiritual stamina that she might be able to keep the faith. Life really is a challenge and the more that I give into being negative and not doing all that I can to life those around me, the more I am unable to become as the Savior. I look forward to the great food and opportunities that await me as I spend time with my mother. There is going to be growth in this experience as there is in every experience that we are brought into.
  I want to thank all of my friends and family for helping me when I am down. I promise that one day and I hope that that day is soon I will be as if I were a new person no longer bogged down by the pain that is in my soul. When this day comes I hope that I can share with you the joy that will fill my heart and hopefully help me to be what you all see in me. I love you all and pray that you will be able to feel of the love of the Savior and know that He is listening and will answer all of your prayers when it is time for them to be answered!

A New Day, Another Lesson!

   Today has been interesting in that I thought that I was going to be able to stay happy all day, but that did not quite happen. I seem to struggle most when there is rain and dark overcast skies surrounding me. I don't know why I grew up with that, but it seems to make me very not happy and more liable to be mean or at least not as nice as I should be to those around me. I need to solve this issue and fast! I am going to take it to the Lord and see what He says that I should do! 

    I am doing a practicum for my religion class for the next two weeks, and I am excited yet extremely nervous to try to pull this off! I am changing my language, meaning that if there happens to be cuss words they are gone, but more importantly the biggest and probably hardest thing for me is that I am going to become more positive. I am great when it comes to encouraging those around me, but well not so hot at staying positive about my life and what not! I also am going to try to be positive about all that is going on around me. I struggle seeing the point sometimes and then get all depressed about the work that has to be done and why I have to do it. I need to be more optimistic about all that is going on in my life and the lives of those around me! I think that as I learn this skill, I will be better able to help those around me and do those things that I am here to do! 

  On a lighter and for me much much happier note, after nearly 18 months of not seeing my mother she is COMING here to Idaho to see me! I am so very excited and can't wait to see her. I think that I forget sometimes that I am close to my family, even when they say things like don't come home you make things worse! Although that hurts I still love them and would do anything that I could to help them if it was in my power to help them that is. One of my biggest dreams is that they will find God and turn to him for the help that they stand in need of, so that they might be happier and healthier people. One day this will happen and then will joy over flow from my soul and then will I know that they are paying attention to me, even when it feels as though they are not! 

  I will have to keep you all up on how my mother's visit goes! I am sure that as I strive to get through this hard time in my life I will one day look back and realize just how much Christ has carried me and made it so that I don't have to go through this alone. When that day comes I will think of it as one of the greatest miracles of my life! 

The Blessing of the temple!

Today after waiting for an hour to get unlocked out of my apartment I was blessed to be able to attend the temple. For those of you who don't know what a temple is go to lds.org and look under the menu tab under The Church tab the sub heading of temple. It is an amazing place where heaven meets earth and inspiration and other amazing things come to pass. I try to go every week as I need to have a spiritual recharge every week and that seems to put me in the best place to prepare for partaking of the sacrament. Today was great as I learned great things and noticed things that I had not before. Sorry, if you want more information I cannot give it because I made a promise with my Father in Heaven not to share what goes on in the temple outside of the temple with anyone. As I was in the Celestial Room I was able to allow the Spirit to teach my spirit more about being of divine worth and although not all the way wrapped around this in my head, my spirit let me know that this is true. I really do have divine worth and that I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. I still have to write this on my heart and sear it into my brain, but this is a step in the right direction! There is still much for me to do that I might start to live up to this potential, but now that I know more about it I can start to make the changes that I need to make and then I will look back and say I really did know that I am a daughter of God with divine worth, I just lost my way and had to learn all over again. I am grateful that I have people in my life that care enough about me to remind me that I have great faith in the gospel, as I tend to forget and meander along thinking that there is nothing left. I just have to remember where I have come form and what I have gone through and realize that I have this iron will that won't let me give up and keep running away, but it will make me face the demons and help those around me even when I don't really want to!
 My next big battle is not running from this pain that I carry in my soul that bogs me down and keeps me from pursuing the dreams that I have. I have these amazing ideas that I never let come out, because I don't think that I am good enough or the right person to bring them to pass. I let the fear of being rejected and steppes all over once again win out over the fact that I can maybe help to life another's burden through this means of offering a helping hand. The more I learn about what the Lord can do for me and has done for me that more I realize that  I just can't understand his ways, or the great power that he has, but I can tap into that power and learn how to act in his ways and thus this pain in my heart and soul can be healed and when I say healed I mean literally taken away! I just hope that I can trust him and those that he has put in my life  enough that this healing might take place and I can truly let my light shine! This is what I want and right now am not able to do, because I let the fear of letting go and getting hurt all over again stop me from showing this world what I am really like and who I really am. The person that some people get a glimpse of every now and again and wonder who she is and why she isn't around more often. The person that has all of this love to give and all of her life to live and not in fear, but uninhibited and free to be the happy soulful me that comes out only in short tid bits! I will let her out one day and she will stay forever and make a difference in this world!
  I am going to try to improve my language, meaning that I am going to try to be positive all of the time and try to defeat this negative unhappy self, and become the happy positive even for self self that needs to be here that she might lift the spirits of those around her! Some homework assignments really do stretch you!

Reflections!

  So, today as I have had some time to think about things and read over my patriarchal blessing (a blessing given through a man that holds the priesthood and is called by an apostle!) I realized that I really and truly don't have a testimony that I am a daughter of God and thus of great worth. I feel as though there is a glimmer of this understanding in my soul, but it doesn't seem to resonate within me as the other great doctrines of the restored gospel. I don't know how this happened, but I know that I need to gain this testimony and then allow the Lord to truly mold me into the person that He needs me to be. The more that I study about the atonement and the more I try to apply this greatest of gifts to my life the more I realize that the only thing that I can give in my will and then stand back and watch what the Lord can do through me. I know I have a long ways to go, but I think that the Lord is really trying to open me up and show me that the pain can and will be taken away as I believe in his name and allow his blood and tears to heal me.
  I am constantly in awe of the amazing people that He has placed in my life! To me this is one of the greatest miracles that I have been a witness to. The phone calls, hugs, late night talks, emails, texts, stopping by just because they sense that I am not doing okay, and all of the other little and big things that they do for me on a daily basis. I wonder how it is that these people find me and then select me to be their friend? I know that the Lord has brought into my life these people that I know that I knew before as there is no other way to describe the bond that is formed. I am not saying that all of my friends are like this, but I know that there are a few and they are the ones that have impacted my life the most and helped me to see some of the potential that I have. I only wish that I was more eloquent in my abilities to convey to them verbally what it is that they have done in my life. I know that I have written them and tried to be there for them not matter the cost to me, but I just don't think that that is enough, for in many ways they have saved my life from the downward spiral that it tends to go in a few times a year! They answer my prayers more than they can or will ever know! I love them and would literally give my life for them that they might remain here to bless the lives of others!
  Well, I think that this is enough for now. May the Lord bless you and keep you!

" O, wretched woman that I am..."

So, the title does not mean all that you think that it does, but at times I am called to remember how weak and stubborn I am. I keep thinking that I will get better without asking for or taking help from others, but in the end that works against me. I mean I am getting better and all, I just don't seem to have any energy and that is not a good thing. I have this deep rooted fear that I am not going to make it through my musicianship class again and I just can't think of staying here for another semester to take this class. I am hoping and praying that I will be able to figure it out and make it through. I know that I am getting closer to getting it, but I just don't think that I am there yet! I am at a cross roads with this and don't know what I am to do. I feel as though I have beet these things over the head with a steel beam and it just isn't there! I am sure that I can work it out, but I just want the comfort now! Okay, enough!
 I have found that the rain puts me in a rather depressed mood and I don't like it! I have tried to think happy thoughts and even watched a two year old that has so much love in her tiny frame and I just can't seem to get to a really happy place. Sometimes I feel as though it would be easier to leave this place and go somewhere where no one knows who I am and start over without letting anyone know where I am or what I am doing until I get things in my life straightened out. I know that this really won't help me due to having a hard time with opening up to people that I don't know at all and the fact that change like that would probably make me a hermit, but the thought seems comforting when life gets me down. I just don't know how much I can take with the changing and the unsettled future that awaits me. I have these grand thoughts and ideas of changing the world one person at a time and have great ideas that I think would help, but then the fear and doubt seep in and I slink away from those grad designs and feel like trash! I can only hope that I can overcome this and move forward!
 I must say that the world sure seems to be enwrapped with tragedy and I wish that this was going to get better, but it is not. These are the signs of the times that are to come before Christ reigns on earth again. The earth must purge those things that cause her to be not pure and that means that there has to be heart ache and suffering by us mere humans. Each natural disaster that strikes makes my heart ache and my soul yearn to be with those people that they might lean upon my shoulder and hopefully feel the love of God! I wish that I could open my eyes wide enough that I might see and feel His love more in my life, but I get so lost in myself that I seem to never remember. This is why the title is what it is. I cannot seem to let the natural man be controlled by my spirit and that means that I suffer far more than I need to with trivial and menial things, that have no true meaning for me attaining my place with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ! I want this, but don't seem to be strong enough to live to that blessing. I feel as though I am not good enough to hold onto friends or loved ones in a manner that allows for satisfaction or true bonds that can't be broken. I ask all of the time where the 19 year old convert that was secure with the relationships that she had went as she is gone and this person that is here now is the shell of her former self and the dreams that she had seem to be gone from the view of even the remotest parts of her soul? Where was the me that knew the gospel was true and opened her mouth before the mission and shared with boldness those things that would help others to feel the love that the Savior has for them? Where is the person that truly laughed and smiled in pure joy and jubilation just because there was a feeling of love showed to her? I want her back, but I pushed her so far down that I don't know that she will ever come back and allow those around her to see the person that I am really am.
 I am weak and that is fine, I am scared and that too is fine, but what is not fine is the lack of faith that permeates my very soul when I most need that faith to pull me through. Very few people would say that I am faithless and I can't say that I am either, but it is smaller than the grain of a mustard seed at the moment, which is why I can't remove this mountain from before me. I am climbing and slip further and further down each time I climb one inch it feels as though I lose 5 more on the fall. I get being refined, but sometimes I just don't get the point of the trials that I have faced and am facing right now. I just want peace and the knowledge that I am loved and even when people tell me that they do love me I really wish that I could believe them, as I don't see one good reason when I am where I am too love me. I don't get the pull that I seem to have on people, or the reasons why they make me a part of their lives. I can't stand me and I don't know how they can I just don't get it! Before I get any deeper I am going to end this and try to deal with the emotions that I just surfaced!

The Ponderings of a Broken but not Beaten Soul!

 Being sick has a way of making you think of things that aren't always at the front of ones mind, but are very important! I have come to realize that although I have faith in the gospel and will never leave, I still lack the faith necessary to run towards that everlasting light that awaits me as I truly and fully rely on the Lord and not on my flesh. I seem to always be somewhere in the middle of fear and faith with more often than not the fear drowning out my faith. I want to have the faith of the prophets of old and Nephi ( a prophet in the Book of Mormon), but I can't seem get over my fears and anxieties long enough to actually make the move towards the light that is sufficient to allow the path to be lighted for me to become all that I am to become. I want to have the faith that can move mountains as stated in the Bible, but I can't seem to get there!
 I know that I need to be patient in my quest for healing and becoming, but at times like now I feel as though I am not making any progress and in fact am sliding back down into this black abyss that seems to swallow all that I love and the darkness once again engulfs my heart and I have no determination to do much of anything that is of worth. I know that I am better spiritually than I have been in such a long time, but that doesn't seem to be enough to encourage me to keep on the path that I am on, one that is full of pain and affliction and tribulation. I want to heal, I want to give me the same amount of love that I seem so willing and able to give to others, but I don't! I have been fighting these feelings of worthlessness and nothingness for so long it is as though I can't let them go, because I won't know who I am anymore and that is more unsettling and causes more fear in my soul than I can seem to handle in more than minute and almost non existing levels. I talk a good talk, but can't seem to walk the walk that that talk requires, I am not a complete hypocrite (but in some respects I am pretty darn close to being as they were), I just don't love myself anymore than let's say you love fleas fasting upon your blood! Big problem when the gospel is all about love and service!
 One day I shall have this love that I need to have and that will radiate to others and they will be able to be more comfortable around me!
 Enough for tonight, welcome to the dark and deep recesses of my soul!

Many a Thing Learned

There are few things that can be done when one suffers from seasonal allergies that knock them out, but as I was sick yet again I came to the realization that I had this great power that I don't utilize nearly enough! I know that the priesthood is from God and that it can be used to heal the sick and afflicted and give counsel to those that are in need of it. But, when you don't really trust men and that is who holds the priesthood and you don't really feel that it is necessary to ask when you know that you will get better soon enough (oh and did I mention that you really don't think that asking more than once ever couple of months is a good thing) it makes it hard to humble ones self and ask. I am glad that I did ask, not that I was healed right away for I am still recovering, but because it answered one of the prayers that I have been asking as of late that I know I need to learn how to do. And that is, truly open my heart to the Lord and spill the beans about what is there as he already knows! I have heard many a friend tell me that they talk to God and cry to Him, and I am always touched by this, but I just haven't been able to do the same. The only time that I really plead for anything was when I asked if the Church was true and if He wanted me to be baptized and He gave me my answer in an unforgettable way! So, needless to say that is what I am trying to do and it is hard for me, but the more I open myself the more he can heal me and open my eyes to what he wants me to become. I get glimpses, but as I truly learn to trust in him he can show me more of the whole picture and then I can make the plans that I need to in order to fulfill his plan for me while here on earth.
  I have been thinking a lot about where in my life things got turned so upside down and I decided to rely on me and only me and keep people only close enough that I was satisfied in having a relationship and nothing closer than at arms length! And there are many things that I can say helped me to get to where I am today (although, I am far better than I used to be) and it stems from me being the one that was leaned on, but could never lean on anther. I realized that I love others so much, but am not able to give that love to myself. This is mostly due to my lack of trust in me and the fact that my arm length relationships have hurt me so many times that I can't even begin to tell you. The ones that I thought loved me the most often times have caused me the most pain and in many ways helped me to build this led wall around my heart that I don't let anyone near. I mean until the last little while as the Spirit as whispered and I have listened and opened myself up to others and allowed them to become closer to me than ever before. I can't and won't say that this has been an easy transition, not that old fears of being rejected and pushed away as though I were nothing haven't surfaced, but I am relying in the peace that the Spirit has brought to me as pertaining to those that I have opened up to and that is why I have kept on this path. We shall see what happens as I am sure that there will be more growing pains and even some real pain involved in this coming of age so to speak!
  I feel that this is enough for right now I need to prepare for the world of a two year old for the next little while!!

Just some thoughts!

So, the past few days have been interesting to say the least! Yesterday woke up and could barely move thanks to snapping a muscle while turning in my chair ( I know at my age I should not be having these problems, but alas I do) and so that drained me of all energy ( I took an hour nap late in the afternoon, something that I very rarely do). I didn't make it to class as I was in a lot of pain and wanted to relax. I did run a few errands and what not and got things done, but it was a low key day. I cannot not say that about today!! I woke up with a wretchedly sore throat and decided to stay home. After running to the store to get Orange Juice and cough drops I came home and chilled for a bit. I then got a phone call that set me off into a break down of sorts (tears and all) and I almost decided to drop out of school and run away! After I calmed down and came up with a few plans so that I would not have to stay for the following winter here at BYU-I and as of right now it looks as though I am going to be able to get all that I need done to graduate in December! Great financial burden was just lifted off my shoulders. I know that God is watching out for me and that I need to be more rational when sudden changes happen in my life! I would like to thank all of my friends that gave me encouragement and tell them that life is worth it for me because they are here on my side keeping me from making stupid decisions! There are many things that I must learn and one of them is to think things through before opening my mouth and inserting my foot so far down my throat that I look foolish and uneducated! One day I will learn this and then people will almost always understand what it is that I am saying! Things are looking up and I hope that I can find a job next week, so that I can make money and support myself. I am just hoping that counseling will help me to over come these things inside that I can't seem to let go no matter how I try. I know that the Lord will take the pain and suffering I am just working on giving him the memories and scaring that still remain. The Atonement is real I am just trying to figure it out and use/apply it in my life!
Good night all I will continue my conversion story tomorrow when I get on here to update and what not!

Again with conversion~

Sorry it has been a few days!! I haven't really had much to say. I have been pondering and reflecting and trying to see what I have to offer the world. I am still trying to figure that out, but I was just taught from a friend a very valuable lesson in choosing words carefully as they might not give the right message. Thank you dear friend, now I can pay more attention to what I am writing and make sure that I get the right message across!
 Tonight I am going to keep it short and sweet and light! After our discussion I was baptized and then that Sunday confirmed by the laying on of hand of those in authority to perform this ordinance (this authority is called the priesthood and is the same authority that Christ gave his apostles in the New testament). When I received this great blessing and as the men that were in the circle around me laid there hand on my head to bestow upon me the gift of the Holy Ghost I felt once again the burning testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel from the tips of my toes to the top of my head and that is when I felt completely clean and whole! It was an amazing Sunday with a baby blessing to follow me and then I was able to partake of the Sacrament for the first time and renew the covenants that I had just made and then to boot I was blessed to sing in a quartet in front of the congregation. This will forever remain one of my favorite hymns "Where Can I Turn For Peace" I love it and the sweet memories that it brings each time that I sing it. I was on fire with the gospel and started reading everything that I could get my hands on and although there was not much in Syracuse, I was able to find Jesus the Christ and other stuff and I read like all day everyday. I was talking and learning from the Jehovah's Witnesses before the sisters re found me and when they heard that i had been baptized they stopped by and told me that I was being deceived and needed to check into some scriptures that would tell me that they were wrong. I felt as though they were trying to pull me down and although I read them they did nothing by strengthen my faith and testimony and make me realize that when people don't understand something they tend to try to say that it is wrong before really finding out for themselves! Well I said this was going to be short and sweet, I have much more to share, but I need to get some shut eye and make sure that I say it right!

A Reflection of Life Before the Gospel!

I was digging through some old poems and what not to post a poem and letter that I wrote to my mom for Mother's Day 2000 and got to reading some of the darker things that I was going through at this time too and thought that I would share one of them as to show where I was before the gospel changed my life! I can't say that this was the lowest time in my life, unfortunately that was probably three weeks ago when I felt as though the Spirit had left me and I was completely alone. As I look back at this time and many other times I never felt as though I was that kind of alone, more alone in the sense that I had no one to talk to, that would just listen or encourage me to let it out! I felt near to utter desolation three weeks ago and I am now back to a better spot with a lot more to get through! So here is the poem/insight/coming to terms with what was wrong with me writing!

                                                                  No title

                    My pain flows through my veins like the oceans constant waves, it never seems to end

                    Although I look happy and carefree my friends cannot see me for who I really am, because I cannot bare to let them see my pain.

                   The darkness returns once more even stronger than before. It creeps in my mind to tell me that the nightmare is not over and the pain and suffering not healed.

                   The real me is hiding not seen by those who are close for I fear their reaction to the story left untold. I can no longer deal with the secret of this magnitude, I just have to tell them all before the burden is too much to bear on my soul.

                    The truth must be told, so they can know that I understand much too much about the evils of the world, because I have had to deal with the worst evil of them all and am not as innocent and naive as they think I am! 

I made other statements such as: "my mind grows darker with each passing moment"; The dark days that envelop my mind"; "These feelings grow stronger my mind reels in the darkness and I can't seem to find a light to guide me through." 

I didn't realize how prepared I was to find the light that the gospel was there to give me. I am far from healed from the pain in my past, but I am learning just how much I was carried as I went through these dark times. I know that I will have days where I cry and now that does not make me feel weak or like I am unclean, but it frees me of this great burden that I have held within me for far to long. I have amazing friends (some of who have suffered through similar evils and are there when I need them to be) who love me even when I am not in the right frame of mind for many months. Friends that will put me back in my place when I forget that I am no better than anyone else! They truly will never know how much they have changed my life and helped me to feel the Savior's love! To them as well as my family I owe my life in many respects, I have no doubt that if the Lord had not sent the sisters when He did I would have closed the world out and become more hermit like than I already was. I needed HIm and He sent his servants to save me from Satan. I love the gospel and I love the Lord!! I love all of you!! 

More to my Conversion!

So, I know I am not keeping up as I said that I would, but I am doing a lot better than I would if I was hand writing this! Today has been interesting, I went and applied for a passport, the wonder of having a prompting from the Spirit to be ready with it for family history and whatever else may come! We shall see how long it takes me to use it for the first time! I am learning many things, like until I figure out what the Lord needs me to work on I am not going to get a job, although I did get an email of interest today! I will keep you informed what happens!
 Back to the conversion. So, last time was pretty heavy, but I needed to share just where I was coming from  so that there was more understanding as to where I was coming from! So, let's go to the night of the Baptism, I went to the Church a few hours before to talk with the sister missionaries and get a better understanding how the program was going to be carried out that evening. There is a lot of planning and care that goes into the great day and although I wanted to help they wouldn't let me! I didn't understand why until I was serving in Alabama, but it was so that I could take the time to realize that I was important! After about an hour I went back home and got ready by eating dinner and getting in my church clothes (a lavender dress) Maybe when I figure out how to post pics and what not I will post some from that amazing day!! I got to the church building early so that I could change into my white clothes (white symbolizes purity and since I was becoming pure that is the color that they baptize you in) and then proceeded to not be able to sit still for more than like 30 seconds, I just had a lot of energy and nerves and I was the center of attention and I am not used to that at all! The gentleman who I asked ot baptize me showed up and got changed and then the people started to flow in. I didn't think that that many people would show up, but there was over 40 there and it showed me that this was really important. The Bishop (kind of like the priest) conducted this meeting of sorts and there were so many people who helped out! The sisters picked all of the songs that were sung and they were amazing!! We sung "Child's Prayer" as the opening song and then a talk was given about Baptism and I entered the water. Man it was cold!! It was jumping into a freshly thawed river without the ice chunks!! They had no idea that it was cold and I found out later that the hot water lines out side the building had frozen as we were well below zero at that time! Needless to say it took my breath away and as I was baptized by submersion I came out of the water feeling amazing and freezing, so I shook myself as though I were an animal and managed to wet the front row pretty good (that got a chuckle out of the attendees) and then went and got changed. Did I tell you that the water was FREEZING!! It was so cold that by the time that I got out of it like five minutes later my hands had started turning purple!! I was just a wee bit chilled!! I didn't know this at the time, but as I was changing the sisters had asked all that attended to write a message to me about my baptism ( i didn't know until like 5 months later when I got the baptism book that they had made for me) and it touched me to read about how many thought that I was the great example and was full of faith. I don't see how this is even now, but I am seeking for an answer to this as I type. I guess being only 19 and not having any other family members joining with me stood out to people as something special, but I just thought of it as doing as the Lord told me to do. Doing something for myself for a change! I was and still sometimes am more concerned with other people than myself and put their wants and needs before my own, but this time I was like this is what I need to do for me and I did it. It was liberating to say the least. Not that there wasn't trials after, but I knew that I had made the right choice and for the rest of that night felt on top of the world! It was great!! I will never forget it!
 I feel as though this is enough for tonight! I will keep going with this story each night that I blog! I love you all!

Back the to biggest change of my life!!

So, sorry there was nothing yesterday... my brain was all dried up! I am thinking that a job is right around the corner and it is a good possibility that it is a Dairy is town... I just hope that I get things in and don't get over looked again! The Lord will provide! Back to the conversion!
 We left off with me need some very important questions answered. These questions that I needed answered came up right before I was interviewed by the Elders (the young men that are known for dark suits and bikes) to make sure that I was ready and worthy to be baptized. So, when it comes to me talking about certain things or about me maybe getting emotional (at least at this time is my life) I tend to write letters, to make sure that I can have time to really think out what I need to say and how to say it. This letter contained a lot of my past that I had to go through. Like being gang raped when 11 by 6 boys, being forced to have oral sex with my "best friend", having my mom's best friends son do inappropriate things to me, and my Uncle rape me for two years (almost every day and sometimes more than once a day); I needed to make sure that I was not joining a church that blamed the victim as other churches do for such acts. I had to know that I was not being led into something that would tell me that I was a horrible sinner and that the abuse was my punishment for whatever sins I had committed! If the sisters had said that I was to blame then there is no way that I would have joined, as I knew in my heart that that is not how the Lord saw it. I wrote this letter to them telling them these things and asking the questions that were screaming to be answered, and in the kitchen area of the church building a few day before entering the answers they uttered to most assuring and amazing words to me. I am not able to recall them verbatim, but they told me that the Lord did not want that to happen to anyone and that He was there to take away my pain if I let him. This ability that he has to take away my pain is there for all as that is the reason that he gave his life for us!! After they had taught me this, I knew that I was right where the Lord needed and wanted me to be! I look back now and realize how strongly yet gently the Lord's hand was pushing me along and getting me to a point where I would be baptized in to His Church and find the peace and healing that I had been wanting for so long! The Spirit once again bore witness to me that I was doing the right thing and that I would make it through! The sisters asked me to write my testimony of the Book of Mormon, so that they could insert it in the programs that they had made ( I will post that later as I have to dig it out of my stuff) and allow all that attended to see that I had a testimony. I also think that they knew that I probably would have passed out if I had to get up in front of all those people and bore my testimony, as it was I didn't get up for over two years to bare my testimony in public and that was only in front of a group of like 20!! I do know that the Book of Mormon is the word and work of God and that through its words one can draw close to God than through any other book! I feel that I have said all that I need to say for this one, I will continue tomorrow with the baptismal interview and the actual baptism!! Have a Great Night and Day!!

The Saga Contiues

 So, the more that I stay on this path that I am on, the more I love the Sabbath (for those unfamiliar with this term, it is another name for Sunday, or the day which I worship the Lord). I love it more and more as I realize what a great blessing it is to gather together and share one with another those things that we cherish as pertaining to the gospel. Today being the first Sunday of the month is an interesting day for those who don't know much about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, because it is the day that our leaders have designated for members to fast (give up two meals or food for 24 hours) and give that money that we have saved to the Church, so that it can be distributed to those that are less fortunate than we might be (this means members and non members alike throughout the world) and then as an added blessing we are able to stand up in our Sacrament Meeting and bear testimony to each other if we chose of those things that we know to be true as pertaining to the gospel. It is unique and allows for great things to happen if you let them! Today was one of those great days, although I am sad that I will no longer be teaching Sunday School, I am grateful that I was afforded the opportunity to do something that I love for the past 6 or so months. It has taught me a lot about myself and the greatness of the people that surround me on a daily basis! SO, now back to the story of becoming a Latter-Day Saint!!
 As soon as I accepted the invitation to enter the waters of Baptism I felt impressed that I needed to read the Book of Mormon before I was a member (this was a daunting task as I had just about 10 days to get 531 pages of spiritual amazingness and power to read. Seeing as I had not really read the Bible and was not all that familiar with the phrasing and words used in old english I was in for a treat!! I checked in with the sisters nightly to give them a report about what I had read and how it impacted me. I seriously read like 10 hours a day to get it all read and my parents thought that I was nuts. I woke up and read and went to sleep after reading, staying up into the wee hours of the morning and trying to absorb it all and make sure that I applied what it asked me to do. It was an amazing journey!! As I came to the final chapter of the Book of Mormon in the Book of Moroni chapter 10 (Moroni was an ancient prophet that led a people called the Nephites until they were so wicked that their enemies the Lamanites utterly destroyed from off of the face of thee earth) where I was reintroduced to a promise that he gives to each person that truly opens their heart to an answer from Heaven! The promise can be found in verses 3-5 and if you don't have a copy of the Book of Mormon you can go to lds.org and look of the scriptures and find these verses.... they are amazing!! S0, this was the night before I was to be baptized and I had yet to kneel down and pray to know if what I was doing was right and if the Book of Mormon was the work and word of God, I still at times have issues with praying as I get scared for some reason. I had never really prayed in my life and this was going to be quite the endeavor as I was seeking for the answer to a question that I would have never thought to ask (not to mention the noise from the music and boisterous talking that was ever present at my house) the question was "is this Church true and am I following the Savior and is the Book of Mormon the Word of God?" I am not quite sure of how I worded all of these question, but I do know with out a doubt that I got an answer!! As I was asking these questions I felt the most amazing sensation, it was like my bosom was on fire and my whole being was bearing witness that my questions were what to ask and that the Lord was telling me that I was to continue on this path as it was the path that would lead me "home" to him again. I knew in that very instant that I was joining His church and that this testimony would be with me forever!! I cannot and will not ever deny the truthfulness of this gospel and the Spirit has borne far to powerful a witness to me that this is the Lord's Church again on the earth and that I am right where I need to be in order to live once again with my Heavenly Father! I know now that I was changed forever and although unsure of the future at that time I knew that I was blessed to have this testimony!! Let's see that ten days had much more than that going on!! I had resistance from my family with my decision, luckily I am stubborn and told them that I was 19 and that they couldn't stop me, and that if they kicked me out that someone in the Church would take me in and let me live in peace! I am a full of spunk when I want something, so bad that I don't care what it coasts me or what I have to do to get it!! That is a good thing in this case. I also had some important questions that needed to be asked and somethings that needed answering, so that I could have assurance that I wasn't going to get kicked out on a formality or something! I will continue later, brian on shut down and must cook and prepare for the males that are visiting!!

Another Day another....

Today was really good!! Just had class and what not, but was able to learn and grow which is always a plus!! Now back to the story!!
 I am going to go back and fill in some spots that need to be filled in!! Back to when the new sister came into the picture!! They started the lessons over again just to make sure that I got what they were teaching and what not! I was a stubborn child and didn't want to go to church, due to obligations with the catholic church that I sung with. They taught me pretty much every week for a month and a half (more like two months). And now I must tell you the joys of alternate locations!! As I have said before not allowed in my house, so we went to the park or other places, so, that I could be taught and that is how I ended up in the back of their car for a lesson. It was a great lesson on the Plan of Salvation ( I will share more about that later) and the Word of Wisdom, which is a law of health that asks/tells us not to smoke, drink, or do things that are harmful to our bodies. This is the lesson that finally got me to quit smoking!! They didn't even know that I was smoking and didn't have to ask me to stop!! I just did as my new year's resolution and it was easy as one tow three, I only tried once more to see if I had kicked it and the answer was yes it made me almost throw up!! My next big step was attending church, this was met when one of the sisters called me and informed me that I was singing in the Christmas program and my ride would be there at 730am to pick me up, and then said we love you see ya tomorrow, good night, and hung up! Needless to say I went to church the next day and it literally changed my life! I went in well, a Scotland golf shirt that was dark green with a red checkered picture of Scotland on the left breast and black pants that I had to roll three times and pin so they would fit... I was a mess that was for sure!! The members welcomed me and put me to work singing second soprano, like way hard to sing when you really don't know what you are doing and have never even seen any of the music before, let alone heard what it sounds like!! I managed to learn it in 45 minutes and ran into the Air Force recruiter that I worked with as I was thinking of joining the military at that time and had been working with him for about three years. It was a welcome surprise as I don't do well in settings where I don't know anyone and there is a lot of people (both requirements for my anxiety were met that is for sure!!!). That week I met with the sisters at a member house on Monday and had a family night with others that were around my age. We ate dinner and then the sister missionaries and an older couple that were missionaries also team taught me. It was a great lesson I am sure I really don't remember what it was about, because the whole time I knew that they were going to ask me to enter the waters of baptism. THEY DID and I being me said "yeah, sure, why not?" to which they asked again I said yes and we set the date for Thursday January 4, 2004. The best day of my life to that point! I will stop here as it is late and I want to keep you coming back for more.

A Day of Great Blessings!!

 So, today/evening I did something that I don't normally do! I signed up to be part of a social organization on campus at Brigham Young University-Idaho where I am attending school. The organization is called SAA (Student Alumni Association) and I am going to help with Public Relations and networking. After I signed up and was on my way home with my roommates and friends, I suggested that we put together some sort of fundraiser for the devastated South where I labored for 17 months in the great state of Alabama, so that we could help them to recover and know that they are loved. I had no idea that this idea would spawn events that we hope will bring much needed relief to those victims of such destruction!! I am excited to see what happens and we are going to try to networks this into two states and make sure that there are tons of supplies and money and whatever else we can gather to send those wonderful people and help them in their greatest hour of need. This makes me love life all the more!! Now back to the conversion story!!
 So I left off in November around mid-terms and my meeting up with the sister missionaries again. This time it was two different sisters (as I don't have permission to use their names I will leave them as the sisters). They had to work hard to get a hold of me as I was busy with school, sining in the local Catholic Church choir, and volunteering at the same Catholic Church which was like less than a mile a way from my house where I helped in the kitchen on Bingo night and also with whatever else they needed help with. I love to serve people and this kept me busy. The sisters decided that they needed to meet me, so they knocked every door on my street which is a half mile long and then they finally were able to meet up with me. I was once again rescheduled to meet with them and we met I think that Saturday, where they start teaching me once again. Since they weren't allowed in my home we walked up to the park about a block away in the cold with snow flurries and there I was taught about Joseph Smith and the great vision that he had. (He saw God the Father and Jesus Christ in a grove of trees in Palmyra, New York! I know that this is true) They set a return appointment and we began to become friends. One of the sisters was moved into another area and a new sister came with the other sister a few weeks later. These are the two sisters that were patient enough to work with me and commit me to be baptized just a few short months later! They were also bold enough to make it so that I finally made it to church. I was a hard one that didn't always do what they asked me to do and was not really that into the lessons at first. They taught me a lesson in the back of their car and that is when things really started to change!! I made big changes, such as no more smoking and pretty much no more cussing (that one was harder than smoking) and then started to pay a bit more attention to what it was that they were teaching me. As I mentioned before I sang in a church choir and this is what held me back from making it to church with the missionaries, but they finally got me to go by setting up a ride for me to get there and not allowing me to cancel as I was going to sing in the choir!! I made it and with in two weeks was asked to be baptized, read the Book of Mormon and received a sure witness that I was doing what the Lord desired me to do. I am going to stop now and share more about this experience tomorrow and some other things that went down that changed my heart and opened my eyes to what the gospel has to offer!!

My conversion!

 Before I jump into my conversion into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I have to share  little about my day! So, today started as any normal day normally does, me fighting the urge to stay in bed until like 15 minutes before I have to leave. I went to my classes came home unwound for a bit and then got some homework done. Then, I heat news that no missionary ever wants to hear! That a natural disaster (tornado in my case) has ripped through the areas that you labored in and learned to love the people there so much. I am still reeling from the pictures that I have seen that prove that they are going to need to do  lot of rebuilding and this brings me to my point. I want to go back and help sooo bad! I can't though, for one I don't have the funds and for two school is kind of in the way. Maybe over break I will be able to go for a week and help them with rebuilding some houses or something. I just want to help!! Okay enough about that, please pray for them!!
 So, onto the conversion that still is happening today! I was introduced to the gospel in a most peculiar way (at least it was to me at the time) and at the most perfect time. I was found through the efforts of two young ladies that the Church calls sister missionaries knocking on the door at the house where I happened to be house sitting at. They introduced themselves to me in this manner: "Hi, we are missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, do you believe in God?" When I heard this I was kind of taken aback, but as I am one to enjoy learning about new things that I have never heard about before I answered yes and allowed them to share a brief message. They had to leave for another appointment, but set up another meeting with me for like a week later. I didn't read what they gave me, but I was pretty sure that I was going to learn something that I had never heard before. The week passed without much difference for me, just getting up and going to class at the community college and doing homework and what not. They finally got back with me and I let them in, my mother was asleep at the time, but that was okay they were there for me any ways. I listened to them and was astounded by what I heard, it really was like nothing that I had heard before. I watched the olympics of 2002 without picking up any of the "mormon" jokes that they put out there or anything else that they said about the Church. As they were teaching me about the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ my father came in and well needless to say he wasn't in his right mind and started screaming that his daughter was getting taught my the mormons and then proceeded to go outside and do the same thing, mind you it is like 8pm so the neighbors almost called the cops. Before my dad left the house to voice himself outside, he told me that they don't believe in Christ and that is when I jumped in with the soft covered Book of Mormon that the missionaries had just given me and by highlighting with my fingers the name of Jesus Christ proceeded to defend the Church. Mind you I had no idea at this time that that was what I was doing. I was just not one to allow another to bash something that they knew nothing about. I was not able to meet with those sister again as they we no longer welcome in my home and they had some emergencies come up that took them far away. I would not meet up with missionaries again until November when it was time to take mid terms. I think that this is sufficient for one night. I will continue tomorrow with more of this great journey that I am on!! Have a Great Night and God Bless!!

That Spirit Speaks and I listen!

 Today I had one of those days when the Lord was being rather direct and persistent! He wanted me to do something and I kept putting it off, so he would get louder and louder, until I finally listened and did what he asked me to do. I did it and then I could finally think. Thinking is good when you are in college and have homework that needs done. I felt great after finally listening and although not done with my homework am grateful that the Lord trusts me enough to send me promptings to test me to see if I am really willing to trust him fully. I have a long way to go to be as President Monson ( The President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) who goes right away as soon as the Spirit whispers!! I can only hope that I can get to this point. I was not right away obedient, but I did obey it just took the Spirit pretty much screaming at me to get me to move. One day and one prompting at a time and then I will be able to go as soon as prompted!
 I am learning that I can have a great positive influence on the lives of those around me and that is good. For a long time I thought that  I was doing no more than brining them down with me and leading them from the light. Knowing that I am helping others and that the Lord is using me causes me to be filled with a happiness that I have yet to know in the 7 years that I have been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and now I understand what I was taught and what I taught in Alabama while serving the Lord for 18 months. With this knowledge I am able to help those that I hold most dear and that I love even if I don't really know them or especially if I do know them. This is a great blessing and I am so humbled that I am finally getting it!
 I think that the next few blogs will be my conversion story to the restored gospel, the one that is still happening and will be that way for the rest of my life!!
 I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and I know that it can bring a happiness and peace that can be found nowhere else! In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Another day of Testimony!

 Today has been another great day of building testimony. I am still not all the way where I need to be, but I am so much closer than I have ever been. I realized while chatting to a friend via Facebook that this is the happiest that I have ever been! I can't ever remember smiling, laughing, and feeling so at peace. I am sure that this is the calm before the next storm comes that I must go through, but I also know that with each passing storm will come more peace and greater ability to keep the peace within me. This is what I need, so as to be where I need to be when I need to be there (thank you Sister Clark!). I know that I still have many battles and demons that I must face, but with the help of the Savior and the friends that I have been given I truly have no need to fear. Where faith is fear can not exist! The more that I rely on my faith, the more I can conquer the fear that has held me bound for far to long. I want to remain free from the weight of sin and of the past and the only way that I can do this is to continue taking it one step at a time and by putting one foot in front of the other.
 There is so much that we all should be thankful and grateful for and I really am thankful for the small and simple things that I have been given such as sight (be it not 20/20), smell to smell the great things that surround me, my hearing that I might hear the music that is all around me at every corner, my sense of touch as I am able to feel all that I come in contact with. I don't know how I would handle not having these blessings as part of my life. I am sure that the reason that I am able to use all of my senses is because Heavenly Father knew that I needed to have them all that I might open my spirit to Him through these blessings! I am sure grateful that he knows me so very well, so perfectly! I can't wait to see Him again and give him a hug and tell him that I love him. This is one of the great motivating forces in me making all the changes that I am making. I don't want to be left behind left wondering what happened to the time that I was going to use to make these changes.
 I am far from perfect and indeed have made many mistakes that have caused much harm to those that are around me and to their family and friends. I am greatly saddened by these mistakes, but although I might not be able to fix the damage that I have done I have learned and hope that I can apply that learning to future situations, so as to not have these issues all of the time. The more I look at the things that I need to fix the more I realize that I need not be so prideful and afraid to ask for help. I am not sure how long I will take to get to a point to always ask when I am prompted! Learning these skills is what will bring me more happiness that that which I have now!
 Well seeing as I am falling asleep as I type I need to be off to bed. I love you all!!

Happy Easter!!

 Today was one of the greatest days that I have ever experienced. I am sure now that I am where I am supposed to be and that I am finally getting on the path that I need to be on that I might be happy. I am so grateful that the Lord gave me the thought to move to a new apartment and get a new lease on life, so to speak. I can't believe that I am really as happy as I am there is no doubt that the Lord is blessing me and helping me to get through so much and share it with complete strangers and feel the Spirit so strongly. I love that I can talk the gospel with anyone anywhere and they will be able to for the most part talk it back with me. I have no doubt that I am loved and that I am not alone! I have never really felt this free from my pains and afflictions and although I still have a lot to get through I know that I am only going to be given what I can handle so that I am able to really heal from all the pain of my past.
 As it is Easter Sunday I must share that I had a prompting that I needed to text some people that have impacted my life so very much that I really can't ever repay them for all that they have done! So that is what I did and I can't believe that I didn't think to do that more quickly as I am sure that they thought as I often have that they are forgotten and that life is too busy for me to take time to communicate my love and appreciation for them. I don't want to ever let that happen again, as I know that even if they don't respond back or talk to me anymore than they normally do, I am still loved and I know that the Savior will fill the place that I feel is void without them in it. I really am much more than I let on to be when it comes to a romantic and a sentimental sap, but I think that the Lord is trying to show me that as I am what he desires me to be then I don't have to worry about being hurt or ignored as he is always there for me. The more that I lean on him the more I see the world in such a way as to have great hope in the potential for greatness that lies here upon its face. If we all give ourselves to the Lord then he will be able to shape and mold us into the powerful amazing people that we run from as we are afraid of the responsibility that having power holds, but we already have it so there really isn't a reason to hold back, because we are already held accountable for that which we have!
Well this one is short and sweet, but I really need to catch some z's so that I might function for my classes tomorrow! Love you All!

Lessons from Children!

 Today was great!! Not because I got to do all that I intended to do, but because I was taught why it is that we must be as innocent and trusting as a child is. I was blessed to watch an amazing two year old and witness unconditional love as she wrapped her tiny arms around me in the library. I did nothing to elicit this reaction, but knew that she did it simply because she loved me and wanted to show that love through a hug! Such tender moments remind me that Heavenly Father does know each of us and loves us enough to send His Son to save us! I am so grateful that the day before Easter I was able to be reminded of that great and amazing sacrifice that was made and overcome this very day! I am so amazed at the tender mercies and kindness that have been shown me that I am humbled to think that I am here this day to feel this power!
 There is no greater knowledge to have then that of the Resurrection of the Savior so that we might live! With the knowledge we find hope in this life and the fact that we are loved by our Father who is in Heaven! As I reflect on this greatest of all sacrifices of all I am called to remembrance of the greatness of the man that gave his life that I might live and have the opportunity to be forgiven of my sins, mistakes, and overcome my trials, tribulations, and sufferings (self inflicted as well as those that are inflicted by others) and so that I don't have to think that I am alone in my pains and afflictions. This was lost by me for a while, but I have been reawakened to this knowledge and love and am starting to heal from all that pain that I have carried within myself for much too long and have thought that there is no way for me to be whole! This reawakening comes so perfectly that I can only grow stronger in my testimony of being a beloved daughter of God and that there is a means whereby my burdens can be made light as I turn my heart to the Savior and allow him to take this pain and all that is associated with it and make it so that I am stronger and so that I am able to reach out and help those around me to know of this love and give them the assurance that they are not alone with the struggles that they are facing. What better message to share with others?
 I love all of my family members (even the ones that don't approve of the religion that I am trying to live), I love all of my friends who give me strength and courage to continue on the path that I am on ( they have no idea how much they have saved me from the darkness that was seeping into my soul even when the Spirit was present, you will always be welcome and accepted into where ever I live and will be given love and respect, even if you don't agree with all that I am doing. There is no way that I would still be "alive" today without all of you!! Just remember that when you feel as though you have never done anything for anybody that is spectacular, because you have!!) I love the Savior and my Heavenly Father! I am trying to build my faith to be so strong that truly nothing can cause me to waver and so that I never have a desire to do anything that is evil. I am so grateful for the scriptures and the answers that they provide, for without those answers I would not be who I am today. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is God's church in its fullness restored once again on the earth. I know that prayer is how we receive the peace that we seek. I know that charity is the pure love of Christ and that the more I become full of this charity I truly become as he is and that is who I want to be like. I know that there is a life after this one and that it is far beyond anything that we can imagine as we will be happy with whatever lot we have chosen! I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Hmmmm.

So, today not as productive as I was hoping, but I did go get some groceries and am baby sitting a 2 year old tomorrow, so life is good!! I am trying to motivate myself to job hunt, but I am so not into that right now that it is hard. I know that I need one and I want one, I just hate the hunting part when there seems to be no jobs. I am sure that I will find something even if it is only temporary or part time. I need to make a plan and then a goal so that I am able to feel as though I accomplished something and so that I can see what  I have done and where I have gone. There is much that I need to do and I hope that I can get some homework done that I need to for monday!! I knew that I would do this to myself. I can't seem to work unless I am under pressure! Not sure what that is all about.
On to brighter things!! I am way excited for my Doctrine and Covenants class ( this is a book of revelations that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believes to be scripture revealed to us today), I can just feel that I am going to learn a lot and that I might be able to share things that will help others to learn too. I love teaching the gospel and hope that I might be able to stay on my calling as a Sunday School teacher, but I am not sure and only time will tell. I am teaching this Sunday and can't wait the New Testament is chalk full of amazing information and insights into the life of the Savior! I can't wait ti see how the lesson goes as it is easter sunday and all!
I am learning and growing each day and although some days are more rough than others. I need to go to bed I am falling asleep just typing this. Good night world!! Until we meet again tomorrow night!

A day of slight regression!

Today I was rather pessimistic and negative in the afternoon. This was brought on by the feeling that I am never going to find a job, because the "not hiring" signs are already being put up here in Rexburg, and the job crunch begins. I am still hoping that I can find something, but if I don't then I will use the time to make sure that I do well in all of my classes and also use the time to truly reflect and make the things in my life that are not right right. I really do need a job, but I will allow the Lord to lead me where I need to go.
I feel blessed that I got to chat with a dear friend and a cousin and also got to help a friend who is having a rough go of things right now. I feel like the Lord is using me and I feel grateful as I have not felt this way in a very long time. I can't believe that I was so long with out this feeling, I never wand to forget what this feels like! I am feeling more loving and compassionate towards those around me, and have come to realize that I might be a more touchy person than I thought I was before. Thanks Mia you opened my eyes to that need for human contact and now I have no one here to help me with a hug!! I will survive and I am sure that I can manage to get a hug from someone!! I am really blessed and I didn't realize how much until I took time to look back and see that the Lord has always been here for me and placed people in my life that help me grow and also show me his love.
The more I look back on this past year the more I realize that I really had fallen from the great place that I was in before. I am grateful for friends that know what it is I need to hear and aren't afraid to tell me that I need to make some changes. Even if they don't say it using those words! There are so many things that I can now see that I am getting back to where I was when I first joined the Church and I am excited to be excited and invigorated about the only thing that I have truly fully and completely loved and that is the gospel!! The more I see the Lord's hand in my life and the lives of those around me the more I realize that he really does know each of us individually and that he loves us so much that he sends certain people into our lives that impact them in a way as to show us that he is there, we but only need to let him in. Thank You all of my wonderful and beautiful friends for showing me that I needed to change and loving me enough to say something so that I might make these changes!!

Life is GOOD!!

So, today has been wonderful. I learned that I was being scammed by the person that I thought was giving me a job, so now I am back to square one with that, but that is fine things will work out. I now know what to look for when it comes to job scams and this is a good thing. I am also resigned to job hunting in the old fashioned way, meaning me and the pavement are going to be the best of friends and I am going to have to spice up my resumé and print it out so that I can distribute. I am also thinking that now is a good time to work on printing nicely so that they can read what I write. I was just reminded how bad I write I laughed knowing that it is really bad. Like at times doctors scratch bad. Too bad I wasn't going into medicine they wouldn't have to teach me to write horribly:) Life is good!! And I feel blessed that me and my roommate did not get caught in the middle of something that we are not equipped to handle. Life is GOOD!!
I have come to realize that the Lord only gives me very small chunks of my pain to handle and although it is deep and really really painful to go through, He helps me through others and through the Spirit. I think that he gives me a few weeks in between each painful experience, so that I can heal and begin to shed the burden that I have been carrying with me for far to long at much too high a cost. I am excited to see what it feels like to have this burden lifted from me and to be free from all that is holding me back. Maybe once this healing/cleansing is over I won't be so afraid to show the real me, the one that only my friends get to see, if I let them! There is much that I still have to do, but the Lord has seen fit to put me in the presence of amazing people that will lift me when I falter and lend me a shoulder when the tears flow. This is how I know that He loves me and that He won't let me suffer alone!! This is my great comfort and my great joy.
I know that Heavenly Father lives and I know that he loves me. I had forgotten that for awhile and now that I have been reminded I am excited to see how I can show his love to others! The deeper my testimony grows the more I am able to share the gospel and really start to take it and write on my heart. The more that I write it on my heart the more miracles I see, and the more miracles I see that more I see that the hand of the Lord is in all that we do and everywhere! This is the great message if the restored gospel; he is here and he does listen and he wants all of his children to return to him. What greater message can there be than this. His gospel is on the earth once more in its fulness and that he has called once again a prophet to lead his people!! This is true and I know it because the Spirit has borne witness in my heart that it is. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Bounteous Blessings!!

Today has been great. I got all of my homework done and started working ahead!! I GOT A JOB!! Sometimes craigslist really does pay off! I am hoping that this job really does work out and that I can make all that I need to happen. It will work great as it is part time and pays great!! I am hoping that I can get things in order and that the woman that I am going to care for will get along with me. The Lord is merciful and has shown me yet again that he really does love me!! I am thinking that this semester might go a lot better than I planned and that I am going to grow even more than I thought. I can't wait to see what that growth is.
The Lord is showing me that as I follow where he leads I will be blessed and thus a happier and more able person. I am sure that I will have my trials in the next little while, but he will remind me through those around me that he is aware and that he will care for me and those that I love. My roommates are great and I can feel that they will help me to stay on this path that I am on. I am just so grateful that the Lord keeps putting amazing people in my life so that I can feel of his love and see that greatness that his children possess as they turn to him and seek after his guidance! They will be the answer to my prayers and the scriptures will reaffirm that I am heard and point me in the direction that I need to go!
If we are mindful of God's children and of what it is that he desires for us to do then He shows us that he is there and has been all along!! I love getting insights like this, it helps me to remember that we are not alone even when we might feel isolated! Life is Great and I can't wait for tomorrow to see what is going to happen!!
My next prayer is that the lady I am going to work for speaks english that I can understand as it is not her first language. This could get interesting!

Somewhat productive, but not really!!

Toady being the last day of my break from school and no surprises here I don't want it to be and thanks to lack of motivation I am still without a job! I need to rectify this situation ASAP!! I am hoping that I will be able to put in some applications tomorrow seeing as I don't have much in the way of classes with only one. I need to fill in my time and be productive. I am sure that I am going to be like what the when I really start to get into the semester. I am going to have to work hard that is for sure!
On to brighter things!! I was able to talk to a friend that I thought was not pleased with me and find out that all is well!! That was a great relief as we have been through a lot in the past 8 or so weeks with a car accident and everything else in that time that we really became friends in. It is strange how sometimes you just click with people and you feel as though you have known them for a life time or more! That is how this friendship is and it is interesting and fun and nerve racking all at the same time!! It is definitely an eye opener to how truly eternal this life is. It is a reminder that we really did exist before we came to this world to be tried and tested and make it back! This gives me hope!!
I have come to really believe and know that God hears and answers are prayers and this testimony has only grown stronger this week as things have begun to fall into place! I was blessed to reconnect with a dear sister from my mission that I haven't seen or really heard from since I was in her area at the very beginning of my mission and now she is living out here and we are going to meet up tomorrow and have lunch and attend devotional together. I am way stoked and can't wait to see what happens.There are so many little miracles such as this have been happening daily and I love it! It allows me to know that my prayers are heard answered and that I am loved, and that is the most important of all!! I was in need of knowing this and with the last two days I am very sure of this and that makes me excited!
We shall see what this week brings and then see how much more I grow and what else I learn. My main goal is to stay positive and not fall back into where I was last week!!

Questions, Questions, Questions!

Today I have been pondering and reflecting on my life as I know it right now and at all the relationships/friendships that I have strained on account of my actions or lack there of. I have come to realize that I lack basic communication skills to fix things. I am not sure how to rectify this issue, but know that as I continue to plead with the Lord and seek answers he will let me in on the secret! I just hope that I am open for the changes that I am going to have to make in order to put my troubled heart at rest. It is my hope that I haven't damaged some of these relationships beyond repair of some level. I am ready to face those demons and see how I can learn from my mistakes. I have much to learn and only hope that my friends can be patient with me and not leave me in the wind during this trial and error process. I am sure that I am going to annoy more than a few and I am sorry about that!! Just know you can tell me that I am annoying you and I will try a different method of fixing things. I am sure that I am going to annoy myself and get frustrated and I ask for understanding as I am undergoing some very drastic changes
I seem to have other things troubling me and I am not sure what they are and can't seem to find peace. I felt peace earlier today and know that it can be attained, but right now I am not sure where it went and how to get it back. I am hoping that as I pray more and turn to the Lord he will give me the peace that I seek and that that peace will last longer and longer. I am sure that this is going to lead me to something that will stretch and in many ways make me a better person. I am hoping that I can make it through this stretch and see that it was just a means for Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to make me lean on them more and not so much on myself. The balancing game of life is not something that I am good at and I hope that I can learn and gain the means whereby I am able to have the needed strength that that balance gives. We shall see all things happen in time. And I am sure that I will learn how to communicate better as I make mistakes and adjustments so that I can help others as well as myself.
This next week is going to be interesting as I am embarking on another semester and need to have the miracle of a job come my way. I am sure that there will me more posts to follow on that and on the semester at hand. I am sure thinking that even though I am only going half time I am going to be mighty busy and not be able to work on my social life as much as I wanted to, but that is okay maybe it is not time to work on that and really be overwhelmed with life more than I am already. I have faith that I am going to get through this and be the type of person and friend that I have always wanted to become and have run away from as she scares me!! More tomorrow! May the Lord Bless you and keep you.

Sabbath and Blessings!!

Church was amazing today!! The Spirit was strong and he actually gave me words to speak in Sunday School which made my lesson go much better than I anticipated. I am so excited to see what the Lord has in store for me and this ward!! There are many good things that are going to happen I can feel it. I am once again alive with the fire of the gospel and can't wait to share my knowledge and love with those around me!!

I have much that I stand in need of improving and hope that I can stay on this path that I have put myself on, so that I can finally unlock the real me and share her with everyone. I know that this is going to be painful and that I am going to be stretched to the breaking point, but with the Lord I know that I can do all things. He will help me to get through the times when I feel as though I can't do anymore and can't give more of myself to him. The one thing that I have not ever done for more than maybe a few hours is truly turn my will over to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and now I think that I am finally in a place where I can and am willing to, so that I am able to see and become what they want and need me to become. I am ready to finally have peace and strength enough to go on and move past the past and the things that are holding me back.

The dark shadow that has been over my heart for the past 20+ years is finally starting to disappear and for once I feel as though fear is not ruling my every move. I am not saying that I am secure, because that is by far not the case I am still far from that, but I am making progress to be happy with what gifts I have been given and with what I have not been given to. I am finally going to practice what I preach! I can't wait to see how that will help me help others and help them to see that Heavenly Father loves them to. I can sense for the first time in a long time that I am really going to be used as a tool in the hand of the Lord and this time it is going to be for the means that I have always wanted to be used!

Here is something that I have to share!! My bother Mark is going to be baptized in a month... Please pray for him as I know that Satan is going to try to stop him again!! This is what makes my joy full. When people are willing to allow the Savior in and see that change in their lives that only the gospel can bring! There is no greater joy than to witness another of God's children make changes that bring them closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I can't wait to see how the gospel will change him and shape in to the kind of person that will do much good in this world. I guess the words of the Lord are fulfilled... He told me that my family would by helped to the path of the gospel and there be blessed. I am excited!!

I know that the Lord will answer our prayers and that we can all witness miracles as we turn to him and open our hearts to all the small miracles he performs for us each and every day!!

The First Step!!

So, this is a little more about me, so that those that don't know will have a better understanding and so that I can look and see the ups and downs highs and lows that occur when healing and cleansing and growing take place!

There is much to say, but I don't think that it all needs to be said as some of it might cause pain to others. I will say this as a survivor of rape and all other forms of abuse I have come to understand just what evil is and how Satan has come to hold power over me and those others in this world. He is a very powerful force to be reckoned with and will stop at nothing to destroy the children of God and the happiness and peace that they seek after. I am an example of how he has tried and at times succeeded at getting in and taking you to places that make you shutter and leave you feeling so worthless and completely in the dark that you would rather have everyone leave you alone and die a hermit with no one to love so that you don't bring them down with you! This is not right and I hope that I can stay away from that for the rest of my life and especially right now as I am on the path to a better life!!

So, let's be more positive!! I have found the means to end this battle with Satan and that is the Restored

Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am learning to put my full trust and faith in the Savior and my Heavenly

Father so that they can mold and refine me and take my pain away! I have forgotten this and now that

I have been reminded by friends and the Lord and am going to put in the work and make the progress

that I need to make to be the type of person that I want to be. There is hope in the gospel that you can

find no where else and I am excited to get excited about it again!!

This is a glimpse of me and I am hoping that I can show myself and others that the gospel can heal

and that I can overcome this world that we live in a raise above the pain that is here, so that I can lift

others!!

God Bless and god luck!!

The First!

I am starting this blog that I might share the trials and triumphs I go through for the rest of this year. I hope that this might help those that follow and also that it might serve as a means to help me see my progress towards becoming the woman that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ desire and need me to become that I might help the Kingdom grow!

So, here we go!

This week has been one of awakening and a firm start on the path to healing from the rapes and abuses from my past that I have not taken the time to deal with. I know that the Lord put certain people in my life to help me open my eyes to what it is that I need to change that I might truly find the peace and joy that I seek to desperately after. I would like to thank Teela for the letter that opened my eyes to what I had become and Mia for giving me faith in human kind again. They have helped me to see that I need to stop living in the past and start living for today. I have a long and hard road ahead of me, but I know that I have people that love me and will be there me if it so happens that I begin to fall again!

I am excited to start and share this process with anyone that decides to follow me. I will try to remember to get on here and share insights from my scripture study and every day life that will help me to see that I am going to pull through this. With the Lord and my friends on my side I have no doubt that I will finally begin the healing that needs to take place to help those around me to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

I am learning a lot about myself and about what it is going to take to become what I need to become to fulfill the task that Heavenly Father has sent me here to do and it is a mission that needs to start now and not wait any longer! I will post more later! I am going to start at the beginning and then see where I have come and then where it is that I need to go and I hope that all of you that share in the journey with me, will be able to feel the love of the Savior and the peace that comes as one turns their life over to him and allows the atonement to change them!