A Reflection of Life Before the Gospel!

I was digging through some old poems and what not to post a poem and letter that I wrote to my mom for Mother's Day 2000 and got to reading some of the darker things that I was going through at this time too and thought that I would share one of them as to show where I was before the gospel changed my life! I can't say that this was the lowest time in my life, unfortunately that was probably three weeks ago when I felt as though the Spirit had left me and I was completely alone. As I look back at this time and many other times I never felt as though I was that kind of alone, more alone in the sense that I had no one to talk to, that would just listen or encourage me to let it out! I felt near to utter desolation three weeks ago and I am now back to a better spot with a lot more to get through! So here is the poem/insight/coming to terms with what was wrong with me writing!

                                                                  No title

                    My pain flows through my veins like the oceans constant waves, it never seems to end

                    Although I look happy and carefree my friends cannot see me for who I really am, because I cannot bare to let them see my pain.

                   The darkness returns once more even stronger than before. It creeps in my mind to tell me that the nightmare is not over and the pain and suffering not healed.

                   The real me is hiding not seen by those who are close for I fear their reaction to the story left untold. I can no longer deal with the secret of this magnitude, I just have to tell them all before the burden is too much to bear on my soul.

                    The truth must be told, so they can know that I understand much too much about the evils of the world, because I have had to deal with the worst evil of them all and am not as innocent and naive as they think I am! 

I made other statements such as: "my mind grows darker with each passing moment"; The dark days that envelop my mind"; "These feelings grow stronger my mind reels in the darkness and I can't seem to find a light to guide me through." 

I didn't realize how prepared I was to find the light that the gospel was there to give me. I am far from healed from the pain in my past, but I am learning just how much I was carried as I went through these dark times. I know that I will have days where I cry and now that does not make me feel weak or like I am unclean, but it frees me of this great burden that I have held within me for far to long. I have amazing friends (some of who have suffered through similar evils and are there when I need them to be) who love me even when I am not in the right frame of mind for many months. Friends that will put me back in my place when I forget that I am no better than anyone else! They truly will never know how much they have changed my life and helped me to feel the Savior's love! To them as well as my family I owe my life in many respects, I have no doubt that if the Lord had not sent the sisters when He did I would have closed the world out and become more hermit like than I already was. I needed HIm and He sent his servants to save me from Satan. I love the gospel and I love the Lord!! I love all of you!!