There are few things that can be done when one suffers from seasonal allergies that knock them out, but as I was sick yet again I came to the realization that I had this great power that I don't utilize nearly enough! I know that the priesthood is from God and that it can be used to heal the sick and afflicted and give counsel to those that are in need of it. But, when you don't really trust men and that is who holds the priesthood and you don't really feel that it is necessary to ask when you know that you will get better soon enough (oh and did I mention that you really don't think that asking more than once ever couple of months is a good thing) it makes it hard to humble ones self and ask. I am glad that I did ask, not that I was healed right away for I am still recovering, but because it answered one of the prayers that I have been asking as of late that I know I need to learn how to do. And that is, truly open my heart to the Lord and spill the beans about what is there as he already knows! I have heard many a friend tell me that they talk to God and cry to Him, and I am always touched by this, but I just haven't been able to do the same. The only time that I really plead for anything was when I asked if the Church was true and if He wanted me to be baptized and He gave me my answer in an unforgettable way! So, needless to say that is what I am trying to do and it is hard for me, but the more I open myself the more he can heal me and open my eyes to what he wants me to become. I get glimpses, but as I truly learn to trust in him he can show me more of the whole picture and then I can make the plans that I need to in order to fulfill his plan for me while here on earth.
I have been thinking a lot about where in my life things got turned so upside down and I decided to rely on me and only me and keep people only close enough that I was satisfied in having a relationship and nothing closer than at arms length! And there are many things that I can say helped me to get to where I am today (although, I am far better than I used to be) and it stems from me being the one that was leaned on, but could never lean on anther. I realized that I love others so much, but am not able to give that love to myself. This is mostly due to my lack of trust in me and the fact that my arm length relationships have hurt me so many times that I can't even begin to tell you. The ones that I thought loved me the most often times have caused me the most pain and in many ways helped me to build this led wall around my heart that I don't let anyone near. I mean until the last little while as the Spirit as whispered and I have listened and opened myself up to others and allowed them to become closer to me than ever before. I can't and won't say that this has been an easy transition, not that old fears of being rejected and pushed away as though I were nothing haven't surfaced, but I am relying in the peace that the Spirit has brought to me as pertaining to those that I have opened up to and that is why I have kept on this path. We shall see what happens as I am sure that there will be more growing pains and even some real pain involved in this coming of age so to speak!
I feel that this is enough for right now I need to prepare for the world of a two year old for the next little while!!
I'm sure Heavenly Father and the Savior have felt the same way- the ones they love the most hurt them the most as well. But the love they have for us brought about Gethsemene and the Ressurection and Redemption. We hurt them more than we could ever bear to know, but they love us still.
ReplyDeleteIt's mind boggling for me to think about that. Learning to let Him ease our suffering and heal us emotionally, physically and spiritually allows us to grow in faith as we trust Him more, which also makes us more like Him at the same time. Sometimes we need to accept the pain for a period of time, but then we need to let it go and move on. Otherwise the Savior would still be in Gethsemene and where would we be?
After years of therapy and prayers and blessings I still struggle with the same fears from time to time- that I'm not good enough, that people are lying to me, etc. It's a card Satan loves to play against me, but I'm getting better at listening more to the Spirit and less to Satan when he starts making those noises in my heart and head. Day by day the healing continues :)
I'd hug you if I could and have you over for dinner. I miss the old days when I lived on Candlelight Lane! I appreciate now what a special time in my life that was. You were a part of that don't forget!
Love ya, chica ;)
Christine
Thanks Christine! I too am blown away to think about the pain that I have caused the Savior as I have turned my back on him and walked away just as he was about to take the pain that I was asking him to take away away. I am in awe at the patience that he has for me and for the patience that he gives to those around me. I would be lost without the friends that he has so graciously placed in my life!
ReplyDeleteI am slowly getting over things in the past that I have been running away from since the time that I was baptized seven years ago. So, many have no clue the pain that I carry in my heart and soul and the fear that is harbored so deep with in my soul that no one really cares about me they are just faking, so they can use me up and spit me out when I am of no more use to them. I know I have people in my life that are here for good, I just don't know why at times? I am at a loss as to what it is that draws them to me, such a broken and battered soul! That is why I ask at times what people see in me, because I don't see it. Most of the time i feel as though I am not worthy of such amazing people in my life and feel as though they will eventually see the truth and leave me!
One day we shall both be healed from our pains and afflictions and be embraced by Christ and our Father in Heaven never to forget that they love us always in a way that at this point in time we just don't comprehend!
I love you too!