A New Day, Another Lesson!

   Today has been interesting in that I thought that I was going to be able to stay happy all day, but that did not quite happen. I seem to struggle most when there is rain and dark overcast skies surrounding me. I don't know why I grew up with that, but it seems to make me very not happy and more liable to be mean or at least not as nice as I should be to those around me. I need to solve this issue and fast! I am going to take it to the Lord and see what He says that I should do! 

    I am doing a practicum for my religion class for the next two weeks, and I am excited yet extremely nervous to try to pull this off! I am changing my language, meaning that if there happens to be cuss words they are gone, but more importantly the biggest and probably hardest thing for me is that I am going to become more positive. I am great when it comes to encouraging those around me, but well not so hot at staying positive about my life and what not! I also am going to try to be positive about all that is going on around me. I struggle seeing the point sometimes and then get all depressed about the work that has to be done and why I have to do it. I need to be more optimistic about all that is going on in my life and the lives of those around me! I think that as I learn this skill, I will be better able to help those around me and do those things that I am here to do! 

  On a lighter and for me much much happier note, after nearly 18 months of not seeing my mother she is COMING here to Idaho to see me! I am so very excited and can't wait to see her. I think that I forget sometimes that I am close to my family, even when they say things like don't come home you make things worse! Although that hurts I still love them and would do anything that I could to help them if it was in my power to help them that is. One of my biggest dreams is that they will find God and turn to him for the help that they stand in need of, so that they might be happier and healthier people. One day this will happen and then will joy over flow from my soul and then will I know that they are paying attention to me, even when it feels as though they are not! 

  I will have to keep you all up on how my mother's visit goes! I am sure that as I strive to get through this hard time in my life I will one day look back and realize just how much Christ has carried me and made it so that I don't have to go through this alone. When that day comes I will think of it as one of the greatest miracles of my life! 

The Blessing of the temple!

Today after waiting for an hour to get unlocked out of my apartment I was blessed to be able to attend the temple. For those of you who don't know what a temple is go to lds.org and look under the menu tab under The Church tab the sub heading of temple. It is an amazing place where heaven meets earth and inspiration and other amazing things come to pass. I try to go every week as I need to have a spiritual recharge every week and that seems to put me in the best place to prepare for partaking of the sacrament. Today was great as I learned great things and noticed things that I had not before. Sorry, if you want more information I cannot give it because I made a promise with my Father in Heaven not to share what goes on in the temple outside of the temple with anyone. As I was in the Celestial Room I was able to allow the Spirit to teach my spirit more about being of divine worth and although not all the way wrapped around this in my head, my spirit let me know that this is true. I really do have divine worth and that I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. I still have to write this on my heart and sear it into my brain, but this is a step in the right direction! There is still much for me to do that I might start to live up to this potential, but now that I know more about it I can start to make the changes that I need to make and then I will look back and say I really did know that I am a daughter of God with divine worth, I just lost my way and had to learn all over again. I am grateful that I have people in my life that care enough about me to remind me that I have great faith in the gospel, as I tend to forget and meander along thinking that there is nothing left. I just have to remember where I have come form and what I have gone through and realize that I have this iron will that won't let me give up and keep running away, but it will make me face the demons and help those around me even when I don't really want to!
 My next big battle is not running from this pain that I carry in my soul that bogs me down and keeps me from pursuing the dreams that I have. I have these amazing ideas that I never let come out, because I don't think that I am good enough or the right person to bring them to pass. I let the fear of being rejected and steppes all over once again win out over the fact that I can maybe help to life another's burden through this means of offering a helping hand. The more I learn about what the Lord can do for me and has done for me that more I realize that  I just can't understand his ways, or the great power that he has, but I can tap into that power and learn how to act in his ways and thus this pain in my heart and soul can be healed and when I say healed I mean literally taken away! I just hope that I can trust him and those that he has put in my life  enough that this healing might take place and I can truly let my light shine! This is what I want and right now am not able to do, because I let the fear of letting go and getting hurt all over again stop me from showing this world what I am really like and who I really am. The person that some people get a glimpse of every now and again and wonder who she is and why she isn't around more often. The person that has all of this love to give and all of her life to live and not in fear, but uninhibited and free to be the happy soulful me that comes out only in short tid bits! I will let her out one day and she will stay forever and make a difference in this world!
  I am going to try to improve my language, meaning that I am going to try to be positive all of the time and try to defeat this negative unhappy self, and become the happy positive even for self self that needs to be here that she might lift the spirits of those around her! Some homework assignments really do stretch you!

Reflections!

  So, today as I have had some time to think about things and read over my patriarchal blessing (a blessing given through a man that holds the priesthood and is called by an apostle!) I realized that I really and truly don't have a testimony that I am a daughter of God and thus of great worth. I feel as though there is a glimmer of this understanding in my soul, but it doesn't seem to resonate within me as the other great doctrines of the restored gospel. I don't know how this happened, but I know that I need to gain this testimony and then allow the Lord to truly mold me into the person that He needs me to be. The more that I study about the atonement and the more I try to apply this greatest of gifts to my life the more I realize that the only thing that I can give in my will and then stand back and watch what the Lord can do through me. I know I have a long ways to go, but I think that the Lord is really trying to open me up and show me that the pain can and will be taken away as I believe in his name and allow his blood and tears to heal me.
  I am constantly in awe of the amazing people that He has placed in my life! To me this is one of the greatest miracles that I have been a witness to. The phone calls, hugs, late night talks, emails, texts, stopping by just because they sense that I am not doing okay, and all of the other little and big things that they do for me on a daily basis. I wonder how it is that these people find me and then select me to be their friend? I know that the Lord has brought into my life these people that I know that I knew before as there is no other way to describe the bond that is formed. I am not saying that all of my friends are like this, but I know that there are a few and they are the ones that have impacted my life the most and helped me to see some of the potential that I have. I only wish that I was more eloquent in my abilities to convey to them verbally what it is that they have done in my life. I know that I have written them and tried to be there for them not matter the cost to me, but I just don't think that that is enough, for in many ways they have saved my life from the downward spiral that it tends to go in a few times a year! They answer my prayers more than they can or will ever know! I love them and would literally give my life for them that they might remain here to bless the lives of others!
  Well, I think that this is enough for now. May the Lord bless you and keep you!

" O, wretched woman that I am..."

So, the title does not mean all that you think that it does, but at times I am called to remember how weak and stubborn I am. I keep thinking that I will get better without asking for or taking help from others, but in the end that works against me. I mean I am getting better and all, I just don't seem to have any energy and that is not a good thing. I have this deep rooted fear that I am not going to make it through my musicianship class again and I just can't think of staying here for another semester to take this class. I am hoping and praying that I will be able to figure it out and make it through. I know that I am getting closer to getting it, but I just don't think that I am there yet! I am at a cross roads with this and don't know what I am to do. I feel as though I have beet these things over the head with a steel beam and it just isn't there! I am sure that I can work it out, but I just want the comfort now! Okay, enough!
 I have found that the rain puts me in a rather depressed mood and I don't like it! I have tried to think happy thoughts and even watched a two year old that has so much love in her tiny frame and I just can't seem to get to a really happy place. Sometimes I feel as though it would be easier to leave this place and go somewhere where no one knows who I am and start over without letting anyone know where I am or what I am doing until I get things in my life straightened out. I know that this really won't help me due to having a hard time with opening up to people that I don't know at all and the fact that change like that would probably make me a hermit, but the thought seems comforting when life gets me down. I just don't know how much I can take with the changing and the unsettled future that awaits me. I have these grand thoughts and ideas of changing the world one person at a time and have great ideas that I think would help, but then the fear and doubt seep in and I slink away from those grad designs and feel like trash! I can only hope that I can overcome this and move forward!
 I must say that the world sure seems to be enwrapped with tragedy and I wish that this was going to get better, but it is not. These are the signs of the times that are to come before Christ reigns on earth again. The earth must purge those things that cause her to be not pure and that means that there has to be heart ache and suffering by us mere humans. Each natural disaster that strikes makes my heart ache and my soul yearn to be with those people that they might lean upon my shoulder and hopefully feel the love of God! I wish that I could open my eyes wide enough that I might see and feel His love more in my life, but I get so lost in myself that I seem to never remember. This is why the title is what it is. I cannot seem to let the natural man be controlled by my spirit and that means that I suffer far more than I need to with trivial and menial things, that have no true meaning for me attaining my place with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ! I want this, but don't seem to be strong enough to live to that blessing. I feel as though I am not good enough to hold onto friends or loved ones in a manner that allows for satisfaction or true bonds that can't be broken. I ask all of the time where the 19 year old convert that was secure with the relationships that she had went as she is gone and this person that is here now is the shell of her former self and the dreams that she had seem to be gone from the view of even the remotest parts of her soul? Where was the me that knew the gospel was true and opened her mouth before the mission and shared with boldness those things that would help others to feel the love that the Savior has for them? Where is the person that truly laughed and smiled in pure joy and jubilation just because there was a feeling of love showed to her? I want her back, but I pushed her so far down that I don't know that she will ever come back and allow those around her to see the person that I am really am.
 I am weak and that is fine, I am scared and that too is fine, but what is not fine is the lack of faith that permeates my very soul when I most need that faith to pull me through. Very few people would say that I am faithless and I can't say that I am either, but it is smaller than the grain of a mustard seed at the moment, which is why I can't remove this mountain from before me. I am climbing and slip further and further down each time I climb one inch it feels as though I lose 5 more on the fall. I get being refined, but sometimes I just don't get the point of the trials that I have faced and am facing right now. I just want peace and the knowledge that I am loved and even when people tell me that they do love me I really wish that I could believe them, as I don't see one good reason when I am where I am too love me. I don't get the pull that I seem to have on people, or the reasons why they make me a part of their lives. I can't stand me and I don't know how they can I just don't get it! Before I get any deeper I am going to end this and try to deal with the emotions that I just surfaced!

The Ponderings of a Broken but not Beaten Soul!

 Being sick has a way of making you think of things that aren't always at the front of ones mind, but are very important! I have come to realize that although I have faith in the gospel and will never leave, I still lack the faith necessary to run towards that everlasting light that awaits me as I truly and fully rely on the Lord and not on my flesh. I seem to always be somewhere in the middle of fear and faith with more often than not the fear drowning out my faith. I want to have the faith of the prophets of old and Nephi ( a prophet in the Book of Mormon), but I can't seem get over my fears and anxieties long enough to actually make the move towards the light that is sufficient to allow the path to be lighted for me to become all that I am to become. I want to have the faith that can move mountains as stated in the Bible, but I can't seem to get there!
 I know that I need to be patient in my quest for healing and becoming, but at times like now I feel as though I am not making any progress and in fact am sliding back down into this black abyss that seems to swallow all that I love and the darkness once again engulfs my heart and I have no determination to do much of anything that is of worth. I know that I am better spiritually than I have been in such a long time, but that doesn't seem to be enough to encourage me to keep on the path that I am on, one that is full of pain and affliction and tribulation. I want to heal, I want to give me the same amount of love that I seem so willing and able to give to others, but I don't! I have been fighting these feelings of worthlessness and nothingness for so long it is as though I can't let them go, because I won't know who I am anymore and that is more unsettling and causes more fear in my soul than I can seem to handle in more than minute and almost non existing levels. I talk a good talk, but can't seem to walk the walk that that talk requires, I am not a complete hypocrite (but in some respects I am pretty darn close to being as they were), I just don't love myself anymore than let's say you love fleas fasting upon your blood! Big problem when the gospel is all about love and service!
 One day I shall have this love that I need to have and that will radiate to others and they will be able to be more comfortable around me!
 Enough for tonight, welcome to the dark and deep recesses of my soul!

Many a Thing Learned

There are few things that can be done when one suffers from seasonal allergies that knock them out, but as I was sick yet again I came to the realization that I had this great power that I don't utilize nearly enough! I know that the priesthood is from God and that it can be used to heal the sick and afflicted and give counsel to those that are in need of it. But, when you don't really trust men and that is who holds the priesthood and you don't really feel that it is necessary to ask when you know that you will get better soon enough (oh and did I mention that you really don't think that asking more than once ever couple of months is a good thing) it makes it hard to humble ones self and ask. I am glad that I did ask, not that I was healed right away for I am still recovering, but because it answered one of the prayers that I have been asking as of late that I know I need to learn how to do. And that is, truly open my heart to the Lord and spill the beans about what is there as he already knows! I have heard many a friend tell me that they talk to God and cry to Him, and I am always touched by this, but I just haven't been able to do the same. The only time that I really plead for anything was when I asked if the Church was true and if He wanted me to be baptized and He gave me my answer in an unforgettable way! So, needless to say that is what I am trying to do and it is hard for me, but the more I open myself the more he can heal me and open my eyes to what he wants me to become. I get glimpses, but as I truly learn to trust in him he can show me more of the whole picture and then I can make the plans that I need to in order to fulfill his plan for me while here on earth.
  I have been thinking a lot about where in my life things got turned so upside down and I decided to rely on me and only me and keep people only close enough that I was satisfied in having a relationship and nothing closer than at arms length! And there are many things that I can say helped me to get to where I am today (although, I am far better than I used to be) and it stems from me being the one that was leaned on, but could never lean on anther. I realized that I love others so much, but am not able to give that love to myself. This is mostly due to my lack of trust in me and the fact that my arm length relationships have hurt me so many times that I can't even begin to tell you. The ones that I thought loved me the most often times have caused me the most pain and in many ways helped me to build this led wall around my heart that I don't let anyone near. I mean until the last little while as the Spirit as whispered and I have listened and opened myself up to others and allowed them to become closer to me than ever before. I can't and won't say that this has been an easy transition, not that old fears of being rejected and pushed away as though I were nothing haven't surfaced, but I am relying in the peace that the Spirit has brought to me as pertaining to those that I have opened up to and that is why I have kept on this path. We shall see what happens as I am sure that there will be more growing pains and even some real pain involved in this coming of age so to speak!
  I feel that this is enough for right now I need to prepare for the world of a two year old for the next little while!!

Just some thoughts!

So, the past few days have been interesting to say the least! Yesterday woke up and could barely move thanks to snapping a muscle while turning in my chair ( I know at my age I should not be having these problems, but alas I do) and so that drained me of all energy ( I took an hour nap late in the afternoon, something that I very rarely do). I didn't make it to class as I was in a lot of pain and wanted to relax. I did run a few errands and what not and got things done, but it was a low key day. I cannot not say that about today!! I woke up with a wretchedly sore throat and decided to stay home. After running to the store to get Orange Juice and cough drops I came home and chilled for a bit. I then got a phone call that set me off into a break down of sorts (tears and all) and I almost decided to drop out of school and run away! After I calmed down and came up with a few plans so that I would not have to stay for the following winter here at BYU-I and as of right now it looks as though I am going to be able to get all that I need done to graduate in December! Great financial burden was just lifted off my shoulders. I know that God is watching out for me and that I need to be more rational when sudden changes happen in my life! I would like to thank all of my friends that gave me encouragement and tell them that life is worth it for me because they are here on my side keeping me from making stupid decisions! There are many things that I must learn and one of them is to think things through before opening my mouth and inserting my foot so far down my throat that I look foolish and uneducated! One day I will learn this and then people will almost always understand what it is that I am saying! Things are looking up and I hope that I can find a job next week, so that I can make money and support myself. I am just hoping that counseling will help me to over come these things inside that I can't seem to let go no matter how I try. I know that the Lord will take the pain and suffering I am just working on giving him the memories and scaring that still remain. The Atonement is real I am just trying to figure it out and use/apply it in my life!
Good night all I will continue my conversion story tomorrow when I get on here to update and what not!

Again with conversion~

Sorry it has been a few days!! I haven't really had much to say. I have been pondering and reflecting and trying to see what I have to offer the world. I am still trying to figure that out, but I was just taught from a friend a very valuable lesson in choosing words carefully as they might not give the right message. Thank you dear friend, now I can pay more attention to what I am writing and make sure that I get the right message across!
 Tonight I am going to keep it short and sweet and light! After our discussion I was baptized and then that Sunday confirmed by the laying on of hand of those in authority to perform this ordinance (this authority is called the priesthood and is the same authority that Christ gave his apostles in the New testament). When I received this great blessing and as the men that were in the circle around me laid there hand on my head to bestow upon me the gift of the Holy Ghost I felt once again the burning testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel from the tips of my toes to the top of my head and that is when I felt completely clean and whole! It was an amazing Sunday with a baby blessing to follow me and then I was able to partake of the Sacrament for the first time and renew the covenants that I had just made and then to boot I was blessed to sing in a quartet in front of the congregation. This will forever remain one of my favorite hymns "Where Can I Turn For Peace" I love it and the sweet memories that it brings each time that I sing it. I was on fire with the gospel and started reading everything that I could get my hands on and although there was not much in Syracuse, I was able to find Jesus the Christ and other stuff and I read like all day everyday. I was talking and learning from the Jehovah's Witnesses before the sisters re found me and when they heard that i had been baptized they stopped by and told me that I was being deceived and needed to check into some scriptures that would tell me that they were wrong. I felt as though they were trying to pull me down and although I read them they did nothing by strengthen my faith and testimony and make me realize that when people don't understand something they tend to try to say that it is wrong before really finding out for themselves! Well I said this was going to be short and sweet, I have much more to share, but I need to get some shut eye and make sure that I say it right!

A Reflection of Life Before the Gospel!

I was digging through some old poems and what not to post a poem and letter that I wrote to my mom for Mother's Day 2000 and got to reading some of the darker things that I was going through at this time too and thought that I would share one of them as to show where I was before the gospel changed my life! I can't say that this was the lowest time in my life, unfortunately that was probably three weeks ago when I felt as though the Spirit had left me and I was completely alone. As I look back at this time and many other times I never felt as though I was that kind of alone, more alone in the sense that I had no one to talk to, that would just listen or encourage me to let it out! I felt near to utter desolation three weeks ago and I am now back to a better spot with a lot more to get through! So here is the poem/insight/coming to terms with what was wrong with me writing!

                                                                  No title

                    My pain flows through my veins like the oceans constant waves, it never seems to end

                    Although I look happy and carefree my friends cannot see me for who I really am, because I cannot bare to let them see my pain.

                   The darkness returns once more even stronger than before. It creeps in my mind to tell me that the nightmare is not over and the pain and suffering not healed.

                   The real me is hiding not seen by those who are close for I fear their reaction to the story left untold. I can no longer deal with the secret of this magnitude, I just have to tell them all before the burden is too much to bear on my soul.

                    The truth must be told, so they can know that I understand much too much about the evils of the world, because I have had to deal with the worst evil of them all and am not as innocent and naive as they think I am! 

I made other statements such as: "my mind grows darker with each passing moment"; The dark days that envelop my mind"; "These feelings grow stronger my mind reels in the darkness and I can't seem to find a light to guide me through." 

I didn't realize how prepared I was to find the light that the gospel was there to give me. I am far from healed from the pain in my past, but I am learning just how much I was carried as I went through these dark times. I know that I will have days where I cry and now that does not make me feel weak or like I am unclean, but it frees me of this great burden that I have held within me for far to long. I have amazing friends (some of who have suffered through similar evils and are there when I need them to be) who love me even when I am not in the right frame of mind for many months. Friends that will put me back in my place when I forget that I am no better than anyone else! They truly will never know how much they have changed my life and helped me to feel the Savior's love! To them as well as my family I owe my life in many respects, I have no doubt that if the Lord had not sent the sisters when He did I would have closed the world out and become more hermit like than I already was. I needed HIm and He sent his servants to save me from Satan. I love the gospel and I love the Lord!! I love all of you!! 

More to my Conversion!

So, I know I am not keeping up as I said that I would, but I am doing a lot better than I would if I was hand writing this! Today has been interesting, I went and applied for a passport, the wonder of having a prompting from the Spirit to be ready with it for family history and whatever else may come! We shall see how long it takes me to use it for the first time! I am learning many things, like until I figure out what the Lord needs me to work on I am not going to get a job, although I did get an email of interest today! I will keep you informed what happens!
 Back to the conversion. So, last time was pretty heavy, but I needed to share just where I was coming from  so that there was more understanding as to where I was coming from! So, let's go to the night of the Baptism, I went to the Church a few hours before to talk with the sister missionaries and get a better understanding how the program was going to be carried out that evening. There is a lot of planning and care that goes into the great day and although I wanted to help they wouldn't let me! I didn't understand why until I was serving in Alabama, but it was so that I could take the time to realize that I was important! After about an hour I went back home and got ready by eating dinner and getting in my church clothes (a lavender dress) Maybe when I figure out how to post pics and what not I will post some from that amazing day!! I got to the church building early so that I could change into my white clothes (white symbolizes purity and since I was becoming pure that is the color that they baptize you in) and then proceeded to not be able to sit still for more than like 30 seconds, I just had a lot of energy and nerves and I was the center of attention and I am not used to that at all! The gentleman who I asked ot baptize me showed up and got changed and then the people started to flow in. I didn't think that that many people would show up, but there was over 40 there and it showed me that this was really important. The Bishop (kind of like the priest) conducted this meeting of sorts and there were so many people who helped out! The sisters picked all of the songs that were sung and they were amazing!! We sung "Child's Prayer" as the opening song and then a talk was given about Baptism and I entered the water. Man it was cold!! It was jumping into a freshly thawed river without the ice chunks!! They had no idea that it was cold and I found out later that the hot water lines out side the building had frozen as we were well below zero at that time! Needless to say it took my breath away and as I was baptized by submersion I came out of the water feeling amazing and freezing, so I shook myself as though I were an animal and managed to wet the front row pretty good (that got a chuckle out of the attendees) and then went and got changed. Did I tell you that the water was FREEZING!! It was so cold that by the time that I got out of it like five minutes later my hands had started turning purple!! I was just a wee bit chilled!! I didn't know this at the time, but as I was changing the sisters had asked all that attended to write a message to me about my baptism ( i didn't know until like 5 months later when I got the baptism book that they had made for me) and it touched me to read about how many thought that I was the great example and was full of faith. I don't see how this is even now, but I am seeking for an answer to this as I type. I guess being only 19 and not having any other family members joining with me stood out to people as something special, but I just thought of it as doing as the Lord told me to do. Doing something for myself for a change! I was and still sometimes am more concerned with other people than myself and put their wants and needs before my own, but this time I was like this is what I need to do for me and I did it. It was liberating to say the least. Not that there wasn't trials after, but I knew that I had made the right choice and for the rest of that night felt on top of the world! It was great!! I will never forget it!
 I feel as though this is enough for tonight! I will keep going with this story each night that I blog! I love you all!

Back the to biggest change of my life!!

So, sorry there was nothing yesterday... my brain was all dried up! I am thinking that a job is right around the corner and it is a good possibility that it is a Dairy is town... I just hope that I get things in and don't get over looked again! The Lord will provide! Back to the conversion!
 We left off with me need some very important questions answered. These questions that I needed answered came up right before I was interviewed by the Elders (the young men that are known for dark suits and bikes) to make sure that I was ready and worthy to be baptized. So, when it comes to me talking about certain things or about me maybe getting emotional (at least at this time is my life) I tend to write letters, to make sure that I can have time to really think out what I need to say and how to say it. This letter contained a lot of my past that I had to go through. Like being gang raped when 11 by 6 boys, being forced to have oral sex with my "best friend", having my mom's best friends son do inappropriate things to me, and my Uncle rape me for two years (almost every day and sometimes more than once a day); I needed to make sure that I was not joining a church that blamed the victim as other churches do for such acts. I had to know that I was not being led into something that would tell me that I was a horrible sinner and that the abuse was my punishment for whatever sins I had committed! If the sisters had said that I was to blame then there is no way that I would have joined, as I knew in my heart that that is not how the Lord saw it. I wrote this letter to them telling them these things and asking the questions that were screaming to be answered, and in the kitchen area of the church building a few day before entering the answers they uttered to most assuring and amazing words to me. I am not able to recall them verbatim, but they told me that the Lord did not want that to happen to anyone and that He was there to take away my pain if I let him. This ability that he has to take away my pain is there for all as that is the reason that he gave his life for us!! After they had taught me this, I knew that I was right where the Lord needed and wanted me to be! I look back now and realize how strongly yet gently the Lord's hand was pushing me along and getting me to a point where I would be baptized in to His Church and find the peace and healing that I had been wanting for so long! The Spirit once again bore witness to me that I was doing the right thing and that I would make it through! The sisters asked me to write my testimony of the Book of Mormon, so that they could insert it in the programs that they had made ( I will post that later as I have to dig it out of my stuff) and allow all that attended to see that I had a testimony. I also think that they knew that I probably would have passed out if I had to get up in front of all those people and bore my testimony, as it was I didn't get up for over two years to bare my testimony in public and that was only in front of a group of like 20!! I do know that the Book of Mormon is the word and work of God and that through its words one can draw close to God than through any other book! I feel that I have said all that I need to say for this one, I will continue tomorrow with the baptismal interview and the actual baptism!! Have a Great Night and Day!!

The Saga Contiues

 So, the more that I stay on this path that I am on, the more I love the Sabbath (for those unfamiliar with this term, it is another name for Sunday, or the day which I worship the Lord). I love it more and more as I realize what a great blessing it is to gather together and share one with another those things that we cherish as pertaining to the gospel. Today being the first Sunday of the month is an interesting day for those who don't know much about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, because it is the day that our leaders have designated for members to fast (give up two meals or food for 24 hours) and give that money that we have saved to the Church, so that it can be distributed to those that are less fortunate than we might be (this means members and non members alike throughout the world) and then as an added blessing we are able to stand up in our Sacrament Meeting and bear testimony to each other if we chose of those things that we know to be true as pertaining to the gospel. It is unique and allows for great things to happen if you let them! Today was one of those great days, although I am sad that I will no longer be teaching Sunday School, I am grateful that I was afforded the opportunity to do something that I love for the past 6 or so months. It has taught me a lot about myself and the greatness of the people that surround me on a daily basis! SO, now back to the story of becoming a Latter-Day Saint!!
 As soon as I accepted the invitation to enter the waters of Baptism I felt impressed that I needed to read the Book of Mormon before I was a member (this was a daunting task as I had just about 10 days to get 531 pages of spiritual amazingness and power to read. Seeing as I had not really read the Bible and was not all that familiar with the phrasing and words used in old english I was in for a treat!! I checked in with the sisters nightly to give them a report about what I had read and how it impacted me. I seriously read like 10 hours a day to get it all read and my parents thought that I was nuts. I woke up and read and went to sleep after reading, staying up into the wee hours of the morning and trying to absorb it all and make sure that I applied what it asked me to do. It was an amazing journey!! As I came to the final chapter of the Book of Mormon in the Book of Moroni chapter 10 (Moroni was an ancient prophet that led a people called the Nephites until they were so wicked that their enemies the Lamanites utterly destroyed from off of the face of thee earth) where I was reintroduced to a promise that he gives to each person that truly opens their heart to an answer from Heaven! The promise can be found in verses 3-5 and if you don't have a copy of the Book of Mormon you can go to lds.org and look of the scriptures and find these verses.... they are amazing!! S0, this was the night before I was to be baptized and I had yet to kneel down and pray to know if what I was doing was right and if the Book of Mormon was the work and word of God, I still at times have issues with praying as I get scared for some reason. I had never really prayed in my life and this was going to be quite the endeavor as I was seeking for the answer to a question that I would have never thought to ask (not to mention the noise from the music and boisterous talking that was ever present at my house) the question was "is this Church true and am I following the Savior and is the Book of Mormon the Word of God?" I am not quite sure of how I worded all of these question, but I do know with out a doubt that I got an answer!! As I was asking these questions I felt the most amazing sensation, it was like my bosom was on fire and my whole being was bearing witness that my questions were what to ask and that the Lord was telling me that I was to continue on this path as it was the path that would lead me "home" to him again. I knew in that very instant that I was joining His church and that this testimony would be with me forever!! I cannot and will not ever deny the truthfulness of this gospel and the Spirit has borne far to powerful a witness to me that this is the Lord's Church again on the earth and that I am right where I need to be in order to live once again with my Heavenly Father! I know now that I was changed forever and although unsure of the future at that time I knew that I was blessed to have this testimony!! Let's see that ten days had much more than that going on!! I had resistance from my family with my decision, luckily I am stubborn and told them that I was 19 and that they couldn't stop me, and that if they kicked me out that someone in the Church would take me in and let me live in peace! I am a full of spunk when I want something, so bad that I don't care what it coasts me or what I have to do to get it!! That is a good thing in this case. I also had some important questions that needed to be asked and somethings that needed answering, so that I could have assurance that I wasn't going to get kicked out on a formality or something! I will continue later, brian on shut down and must cook and prepare for the males that are visiting!!