So, the title does not mean all that you think that it does, but at times I am called to remember how weak and stubborn I am. I keep thinking that I will get better without asking for or taking help from others, but in the end that works against me. I mean I am getting better and all, I just don't seem to have any energy and that is not a good thing. I have this deep rooted fear that I am not going to make it through my musicianship class again and I just can't think of staying here for another semester to take this class. I am hoping and praying that I will be able to figure it out and make it through. I know that I am getting closer to getting it, but I just don't think that I am there yet! I am at a cross roads with this and don't know what I am to do. I feel as though I have beet these things over the head with a steel beam and it just isn't there! I am sure that I can work it out, but I just want the comfort now! Okay, enough!
I have found that the rain puts me in a rather depressed mood and I don't like it! I have tried to think happy thoughts and even watched a two year old that has so much love in her tiny frame and I just can't seem to get to a really happy place. Sometimes I feel as though it would be easier to leave this place and go somewhere where no one knows who I am and start over without letting anyone know where I am or what I am doing until I get things in my life straightened out. I know that this really won't help me due to having a hard time with opening up to people that I don't know at all and the fact that change like that would probably make me a hermit, but the thought seems comforting when life gets me down. I just don't know how much I can take with the changing and the unsettled future that awaits me. I have these grand thoughts and ideas of changing the world one person at a time and have great ideas that I think would help, but then the fear and doubt seep in and I slink away from those grad designs and feel like trash! I can only hope that I can overcome this and move forward!
I must say that the world sure seems to be enwrapped with tragedy and I wish that this was going to get better, but it is not. These are the signs of the times that are to come before Christ reigns on earth again. The earth must purge those things that cause her to be not pure and that means that there has to be heart ache and suffering by us mere humans. Each natural disaster that strikes makes my heart ache and my soul yearn to be with those people that they might lean upon my shoulder and hopefully feel the love of God! I wish that I could open my eyes wide enough that I might see and feel His love more in my life, but I get so lost in myself that I seem to never remember. This is why the title is what it is. I cannot seem to let the natural man be controlled by my spirit and that means that I suffer far more than I need to with trivial and menial things, that have no true meaning for me attaining my place with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ! I want this, but don't seem to be strong enough to live to that blessing. I feel as though I am not good enough to hold onto friends or loved ones in a manner that allows for satisfaction or true bonds that can't be broken. I ask all of the time where the 19 year old convert that was secure with the relationships that she had went as she is gone and this person that is here now is the shell of her former self and the dreams that she had seem to be gone from the view of even the remotest parts of her soul? Where was the me that knew the gospel was true and opened her mouth before the mission and shared with boldness those things that would help others to feel the love that the Savior has for them? Where is the person that truly laughed and smiled in pure joy and jubilation just because there was a feeling of love showed to her? I want her back, but I pushed her so far down that I don't know that she will ever come back and allow those around her to see the person that I am really am.
I am weak and that is fine, I am scared and that too is fine, but what is not fine is the lack of faith that permeates my very soul when I most need that faith to pull me through. Very few people would say that I am faithless and I can't say that I am either, but it is smaller than the grain of a mustard seed at the moment, which is why I can't remove this mountain from before me. I am climbing and slip further and further down each time I climb one inch it feels as though I lose 5 more on the fall. I get being refined, but sometimes I just don't get the point of the trials that I have faced and am facing right now. I just want peace and the knowledge that I am loved and even when people tell me that they do love me I really wish that I could believe them, as I don't see one good reason when I am where I am too love me. I don't get the pull that I seem to have on people, or the reasons why they make me a part of their lives. I can't stand me and I don't know how they can I just don't get it! Before I get any deeper I am going to end this and try to deal with the emotions that I just surfaced!
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