Being sick has a way of making you think of things that aren't always at the front of ones mind, but are very important! I have come to realize that although I have faith in the gospel and will never leave, I still lack the faith necessary to run towards that everlasting light that awaits me as I truly and fully rely on the Lord and not on my flesh. I seem to always be somewhere in the middle of fear and faith with more often than not the fear drowning out my faith. I want to have the faith of the prophets of old and Nephi ( a prophet in the Book of Mormon), but I can't seem get over my fears and anxieties long enough to actually make the move towards the light that is sufficient to allow the path to be lighted for me to become all that I am to become. I want to have the faith that can move mountains as stated in the Bible, but I can't seem to get there!
I know that I need to be patient in my quest for healing and becoming, but at times like now I feel as though I am not making any progress and in fact am sliding back down into this black abyss that seems to swallow all that I love and the darkness once again engulfs my heart and I have no determination to do much of anything that is of worth. I know that I am better spiritually than I have been in such a long time, but that doesn't seem to be enough to encourage me to keep on the path that I am on, one that is full of pain and affliction and tribulation. I want to heal, I want to give me the same amount of love that I seem so willing and able to give to others, but I don't! I have been fighting these feelings of worthlessness and nothingness for so long it is as though I can't let them go, because I won't know who I am anymore and that is more unsettling and causes more fear in my soul than I can seem to handle in more than minute and almost non existing levels. I talk a good talk, but can't seem to walk the walk that that talk requires, I am not a complete hypocrite (but in some respects I am pretty darn close to being as they were), I just don't love myself anymore than let's say you love fleas fasting upon your blood! Big problem when the gospel is all about love and service!
One day I shall have this love that I need to have and that will radiate to others and they will be able to be more comfortable around me!
Enough for tonight, welcome to the dark and deep recesses of my soul!
Wrote a really long comment that was erased somehow...so short of the long is:
ReplyDeleteDon't loose hope. Hang on to those quiet, tiny thoughts that come that you "might" be worth it; that you are of worth to Him. I was reminded of the times in my life when I have felt so low, similar to you, and have hung on with all of my soul just hoping that those tiny, fleeting thoughts were true. It was those thoughts whispered into my heart by the Spirit that led me out of the darkness to Him. It WILL happen for you. Just believe and hang on. I wish I could help you find those festering wounds and help you to give them to the Savior...Don't fear going back through the "storm" in order to find those wounds and ask the Savior to cleanse and heal them. You are loved.
Got to go. Today is a BIG day at our house...Potty Training Kailee! Wish me luck!!