So, today as I have had some time to think about things and read over my patriarchal blessing (a blessing given through a man that holds the priesthood and is called by an apostle!) I realized that I really and truly don't have a testimony that I am a daughter of God and thus of great worth. I feel as though there is a glimmer of this understanding in my soul, but it doesn't seem to resonate within me as the other great doctrines of the restored gospel. I don't know how this happened, but I know that I need to gain this testimony and then allow the Lord to truly mold me into the person that He needs me to be. The more that I study about the atonement and the more I try to apply this greatest of gifts to my life the more I realize that the only thing that I can give in my will and then stand back and watch what the Lord can do through me. I know I have a long ways to go, but I think that the Lord is really trying to open me up and show me that the pain can and will be taken away as I believe in his name and allow his blood and tears to heal me.
I am constantly in awe of the amazing people that He has placed in my life! To me this is one of the greatest miracles that I have been a witness to. The phone calls, hugs, late night talks, emails, texts, stopping by just because they sense that I am not doing okay, and all of the other little and big things that they do for me on a daily basis. I wonder how it is that these people find me and then select me to be their friend? I know that the Lord has brought into my life these people that I know that I knew before as there is no other way to describe the bond that is formed. I am not saying that all of my friends are like this, but I know that there are a few and they are the ones that have impacted my life the most and helped me to see some of the potential that I have. I only wish that I was more eloquent in my abilities to convey to them verbally what it is that they have done in my life. I know that I have written them and tried to be there for them not matter the cost to me, but I just don't think that that is enough, for in many ways they have saved my life from the downward spiral that it tends to go in a few times a year! They answer my prayers more than they can or will ever know! I love them and would literally give my life for them that they might remain here to bless the lives of others!
Well, I think that this is enough for now. May the Lord bless you and keep you!
Hi Crystal,
ReplyDeleteReading this post (and then all of your others) brings Alma 32 to mind. Despite the horrific and undeserved challenges you have experienced, your blog posts are filled with examples of how much you are loved and valued by Heavenly Father. You may not have a "sure knowledge" of this, but your faith is evident. "If ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."
One day this good seed of faith that you are uniquely and personally loved by Heavenly Father as His precious daughter, is going to turn to a perfect knowledge and it will fill your soul, because it is true.
I know He loves you just because you are His daughter. But I also know that He treasures you and is forever grateful to you because you gave Him 17 months of your life as a missionary. Never underestimate the importance of that willing sacrifice to Heavenly Father. He watches out for his missionaries forever. You are particularly precious to Him.
Keep up with your faith, you are on the right track. And be sure to let me know when that perfect knowledge comes. I want to hear about it. You are a great woman Crystal and have much to offer the world. All of your efforts now to strengthen yourself are going to be a great blessing to others in the future as you serve them.
If you ever make it back to Alabama you have a cozy place here to rest your head.
Love,
Nancy
Nancy,
ReplyDeleteThank You for your sweet words of assurance. Ironically I just read Alma 32 before I wrote this post and that is when it dawned on me that I need to write this testimony of being of divine worth on my heart and soul that it might burn with in me as much of the rest of the gospel does. I will make sure that I let you know when I get this sure knowledge and I have great hope that I will be much more a peace when it comes.
Thanks for opening your home to me I want to get back and visit and hope to soon as I miss it there, Especially Madison it was where I grew the most as a person and missionary!!
Love,
Crystal