Tonight I finally made myself talk with the Lord in a way that I have never really talked with Him before. I can't say that it was easy or that I really said all that mush, but it is a step that I have needed to take for a very long time and it is a huge step forward. I know that I have a lot longer to go in this journey of ultimate healing and my quest for inner peace and balance. I just know that I am going to need all the help and support that I can get from those that are in my life at the moment. I learned that I can't try to do this on my own and that the Lord doesn't put people in your life just so you can drift apart when there is so much more that you can learn from one another.
I have come to the realization that I all too often don't allow others to help me the way that the Lord fully intended me to and that that is limiting me in my ability to overcome my insecurities and allow others to develop their skills and talents that the Lord has given them. If I don't let others help then I am in a way telling the Lord that He isn't giving me enough and that what He is giving me isn't what I need.
I also realized that I was never really practicing what I preached when it came to the Atonement and that means that the lessons weren't as the Lord would have liked them to be. I can't possibly hope to lift another and help them more fully live the gospel when I am not doing the same in my life. There is so many things that I need to learn and hope to learn with the help of you out there that are reading this. I am nothing without the Lord and as for any strength others might perceive me to have it is given me of the Lord and to be truly honest I am not as strong as most think that I am. I am just a lost and scared woman that is trying to find her way back home and at the moment is a little confused as to how she ended up where she is.
I have many things that cannot be expressed in words, but I know that I am going to a plain on this plan that is The Plan of Happiness that I have never ever been before and although it is going to hurt and I am a bit scared it is going to be worth it. I am going to find ways to find joy in me journey and hope that I can along the way help to life those of God's children placed in my path to do the same!! The gospel is an amazing gift and it is about time that I finally received it fully!!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Let the True Healing Begin!
I have finally come to terms that I have many issues and that now is the time that it is time to get through this and find the peach that I am in need of. I have actually come up with a plan to really allow for the healing to become completely healed and able to move to a stage to be who it is that I need to be. I want more than anything to be a reliable and stable friend that can be there no matter what. I have thought this out and think that until I reach my main goal of stability which means that I need to have the relationship I dream of with my Heavenly Father and leave it in at His feet in the name of the Savior. This is the only way that I can truly and fully find the balance that is needed to have lasting and stable relationships with those that are a part of my life. This is going to be a very long process and I am going to need encouragement and prayers to get to that place and I know that there are going to be hard times. Please stay with me as I am getting a new heart and a new me.
Here is the plan that I have come up with:
The one thing that keeps coming to my mind with coming to terms with all the anxiety that I hold within is to tell it all to Heavenly Father. If I can get this relationship where it needs to be then I know that I can find the balance that I need so badly.
Here is what I feel that I need to do in this:
1.) Take the emails, letters, and every other things that posses the hurt that is with in and take it to Heavenly Father and lay it at the feet of the Savior. These two relationships need to be the strongest in order for me to get through the darkness of my past and the only way that I can fix the relationships that I hold dear here on the earth.
2.) Once I take this baggage to the Lord I need to make an assessment of my life and repent of all the things that I have done that need to be corrected and erased.
a.) this means that I am going to have to make restitution to all that I have hurt or do my best to do such.
b.) this also means that I get to be honest to myself more completely and take the blame where it is my fault
c.) I also get to align myself more fully with the will of the Lord and become one with Him
3.) After I repent and make restitution I need to set more realistic goals and do all that I can to achieve them one step at a time
4.) I need to realize that this isn't going to happen overnight and might mean that I stay in counseling longer than I might want to and make sure that I have the tools needed to stay grounded and balanced and get through all that has happened to me!
I am sure that I am going to stumble. I am going to do all that I can to make a difference in my life and get all the potential i have to give and fulfill. Now I just have to have hope when it doesn't seem that there is anything that is going my way!! This is a new year and time for a new me!!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Things You Take for Granted and my mists of Darkness!
As of late I have been brought to a remembrance of the things I all to often take for granted. Things such as personal touch with people, friends that love me and accept me for who I am and what I have to offer now, having a firm knowledge of what I am and what I stand for, the peace that the gospel brings to my life. I just don't know where I would be without these things that I am grateful for. I realized that I might not need as much social interaction as some, but that I do need more than I thought and that getting out of the city made me realize that I am not a city girl, but that I can make it in the city if I need to! I can't believe all of the small miracles that I over look on a daily basis and that I forget that my Heavenly Father gave to me that I might remember Him. Things such as: a roof over my head ( I am daily confronted with those that don't have that), my warm blankets and clothes, being able to use all five senses (even though some of them don't work as well as others), having nice clothes to wear, friends that care, and so many other personal and private miracles that He gives me each and every day!
I have come to a realization about something that had never dawned on me before and really opened my eyes to how many levels each verse of the scriptures can hold and what they can do to help you realize the things that you need to change and over come. In the visions of the tree of life that Lehi and Nephi have in the Book of Mormon we hear of the mists of darkness and what that represents and how it keeps us from partaking of the fruit of the tree of life. In Lehi's account we know that the mist is there, but we don't really learn what it represents other than an obstacle in getting to the tree. In Nephi's account of the vision we learn that the mists of darkness represents the sins that we commit that keep us from finding and staying on the path to the tree of life. As I was pondering this I came to realize that the mist isn't just our sins and that there are a great number of other things that keep us from staying on the straight and narrow path that aren't sins, but rather struggles that we have in our own lives that keep us from seeing the light and holding fast to the rod that leads us back to Christ. I thought that I would share some of mine.
Those who know me best know that I am one of the most insecure people when it comes to relationships of any kind. Much of this has to do with not really having had much experience with stable relationships and the fact that the ones that were supposed to be stable with uncles and what not turned in to a hellish nightmare that has left me rather skeptical about anyone really needing to get too close to me or wanting to seeing as I can't really be worth it if the ones that are supposed to protect me find me more like a piece of meat that can be chewed on and spit out and their own fancy. I know that this is not a good vision to have of ones self, but that is the interesting thing about being sexually abused, it skews all of your thoughts and makes it so hard to let people close that you end up pushing them away. This is a mist of darkness for me, because it leads me away from valuing myself as a valuable person in a relationship and the happiness that comes from feeling like things are okay and that they are secure where they are. the Lord never wanted me to push people away, but this is what I find myself doing when I feel the least bit threatened or insecure about any relationship that I have in my life, if you don't believe me go ahead and ask my family, I many times in my life have cut them off from the darkness that resides in my mind.
Another mist of darkness that I have in my life is myself. This might sound weird to some, but I am my own worst enemy. I tend to talk myself out of doing anything that would bring me the happiness that I seek, because most of the time I don't feel as though I am worth it. I mean really who wants to stay in my life and see how messed up I really am?? I know that there are those of you who do, but this is the daily battle that I have with myself. I am getting better at pushing that thought away, but sometimes it gets the best of me and I crack and make people run. I know that I have a lot of work to do and I am trying, but this keeps me from the path more than any other mist of darkness in my life. Without the love that I need for myself I am rendered crippled to love those around me the way that the Savior loved those around Him. When I fix this many of my insecurities will disappear and then maybe I won't scare so many people away from me.
I have many more mists of darkness that I could share, but I think that this is enough and I would hope that you can find your personal mists of darkness and realize what they are holding you back from and try to correct that so that you can partake of the tree of life and gain exaltation. I know that I want to live with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ again, but I also know that right now I have a lot of work that I might be worthy of that great and precious blessing. All I ask of you that are a part of my life is to be patient and give me a chance to change and become. This is a long process, but I know that as I turn my life and heart and will over to the Savior it is possible and He will make me whole again!
I have come to a realization about something that had never dawned on me before and really opened my eyes to how many levels each verse of the scriptures can hold and what they can do to help you realize the things that you need to change and over come. In the visions of the tree of life that Lehi and Nephi have in the Book of Mormon we hear of the mists of darkness and what that represents and how it keeps us from partaking of the fruit of the tree of life. In Lehi's account we know that the mist is there, but we don't really learn what it represents other than an obstacle in getting to the tree. In Nephi's account of the vision we learn that the mists of darkness represents the sins that we commit that keep us from finding and staying on the path to the tree of life. As I was pondering this I came to realize that the mist isn't just our sins and that there are a great number of other things that keep us from staying on the straight and narrow path that aren't sins, but rather struggles that we have in our own lives that keep us from seeing the light and holding fast to the rod that leads us back to Christ. I thought that I would share some of mine.
Those who know me best know that I am one of the most insecure people when it comes to relationships of any kind. Much of this has to do with not really having had much experience with stable relationships and the fact that the ones that were supposed to be stable with uncles and what not turned in to a hellish nightmare that has left me rather skeptical about anyone really needing to get too close to me or wanting to seeing as I can't really be worth it if the ones that are supposed to protect me find me more like a piece of meat that can be chewed on and spit out and their own fancy. I know that this is not a good vision to have of ones self, but that is the interesting thing about being sexually abused, it skews all of your thoughts and makes it so hard to let people close that you end up pushing them away. This is a mist of darkness for me, because it leads me away from valuing myself as a valuable person in a relationship and the happiness that comes from feeling like things are okay and that they are secure where they are. the Lord never wanted me to push people away, but this is what I find myself doing when I feel the least bit threatened or insecure about any relationship that I have in my life, if you don't believe me go ahead and ask my family, I many times in my life have cut them off from the darkness that resides in my mind.
Another mist of darkness that I have in my life is myself. This might sound weird to some, but I am my own worst enemy. I tend to talk myself out of doing anything that would bring me the happiness that I seek, because most of the time I don't feel as though I am worth it. I mean really who wants to stay in my life and see how messed up I really am?? I know that there are those of you who do, but this is the daily battle that I have with myself. I am getting better at pushing that thought away, but sometimes it gets the best of me and I crack and make people run. I know that I have a lot of work to do and I am trying, but this keeps me from the path more than any other mist of darkness in my life. Without the love that I need for myself I am rendered crippled to love those around me the way that the Savior loved those around Him. When I fix this many of my insecurities will disappear and then maybe I won't scare so many people away from me.
I have many more mists of darkness that I could share, but I think that this is enough and I would hope that you can find your personal mists of darkness and realize what they are holding you back from and try to correct that so that you can partake of the tree of life and gain exaltation. I know that I want to live with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ again, but I also know that right now I have a lot of work that I might be worthy of that great and precious blessing. All I ask of you that are a part of my life is to be patient and give me a chance to change and become. This is a long process, but I know that as I turn my life and heart and will over to the Savior it is possible and He will make me whole again!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Wow talk about taking a vacation from this blogging thing!
Well now that it has been many many months since I last posted anything on here I thought that I would come back and try to get more regular at sharing on this thing!! What good is it if I don't use it right??!!
It has been some of the most difficult months of my life as of late. I did finally graduate and although that in itself is a miracle I haven't really been over joyous about it. I have shed many tears and managed to survive the ups and downs of friendships (or at least I am trying to). I have moved to Salt Lake City, Utah in hopes of a new start and found that finding a job is one of the most frustrating endeavors known to man!! I have felt very alone and almost to the point of just calling it quits and going home to New York and really starting over not wanting to deal with the life that I have here. Good thing I follow what the Lord says, because I would have left the west along time ago if I didn't. I think that although New York is not the place for me the people there get me a lot better and are more accepting in many ways of how I am, which makes it easier for me to just be me. I love it here though, because I can talk the gospel and get energized through a great and meaningful conversation and not have to worry about a ton of nasty things getting said to me. I still have a lot to learn and although done with formal education for now I am still in school, the school of life.
There is so much that I could say and I don't really know where to start. Well, a breakthrough of sorts I guess is where I can start!! I actually cried in front of people in the past 6 months!! This might sound rather mundane to some, but for me it is big as I just don't do things like that when there are people in my presence. I just couldn't hold the tears in and Heavenly Father sent me some angels to help me through those rather dark times. I am still healing and recovering from those and trying to gain control over the anxiety monster that dwells in my soul. I just have to take it one day at a time and keep praying that I can right the wrongs that I have made and find peace in the rights that I have made and go from there.
I have to keep telling myself that some relationships are meant to last a life time and some are only meant to last while the other person needs them to and that is okay. I am just going to keep praying and opening my eyes to the beautiful people that the Lord has put into my life and hold on to the great memories of the ones that have left me. Time to turn a new page and start to let people see who I really am and not what they think that I am. Gone is the me that allows others to control how I heal and what I get over. Gone is the me that allows for others to dictate my happiness and worth. Gone in the me that holds on to people that don't really want to be an active part of my life. I know that I am worth more than that and that I have much to give!!
I have a lot to offer and I offer it freely, but there are limits to what I can give and I now need to start to realize what my limits are. I can no longer be the one that gives all and doesn't get filled back. I can't keep emptying myself in hopes that others will fill me!! I am going to rely on the Lord to be filled and seek for people that give as much as they receive, so that I feel as though I am worth it! I have those in my life that already to that, but I need to surround myself with them and that is where I struggle. I will still help those that struggle and offer a shoulder to cry on and an open ear which listens, but I am not going to allow them to take over my life and suck me to the point of running on fumes. I can't afford to do that anymore it takes to long for me to recover. I have people that I can bless and I need to do that to as many of the children of God as I can.
This may seem harsh to some and there are some that won't get it, but that is okay maybe only I am meant to get it. I can no longer allow for others to give and take away what I feel about myself, if you don't like what I have to give then you are more than welcome to move on and no longer be a part of my life. All I can offer you is to be a true friend that won't run whenever you fall or struggle. I will give you my heart and help you, but if you can't handle or don't want that then maybe being my friend isn't the best option for either one of us. And even if we do part ways I will still be there for you if ever you need an ear or a shoulder. I don't take lightly my promises to others that I will ALWAYS be there no matter what! I am loyal to a default and subject to many behaviors that don't make sense to others, but the ones that get me know that it is me expressing my love for them in the best way that I know how. I have a heart full of love and desire only to give that love away, in spite of all the pain and suffering I have been through in my short time on the earth.
One day I will fully use the Atonement and be healed wholly of the pains that I never share with anyone. When that day comes you won't believe who I will be and then I know that I will finally feel worth it to all that I offer my heart to!
The gospel is true and I know that it will lead me to a peace and happiness that I have yet to experience. Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father live, they love us and they desire only that we return to them. I know that eternal life is possible, but only if we give our wills to Them and allow us to be molded into the people that they know us to be! I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
It has been some of the most difficult months of my life as of late. I did finally graduate and although that in itself is a miracle I haven't really been over joyous about it. I have shed many tears and managed to survive the ups and downs of friendships (or at least I am trying to). I have moved to Salt Lake City, Utah in hopes of a new start and found that finding a job is one of the most frustrating endeavors known to man!! I have felt very alone and almost to the point of just calling it quits and going home to New York and really starting over not wanting to deal with the life that I have here. Good thing I follow what the Lord says, because I would have left the west along time ago if I didn't. I think that although New York is not the place for me the people there get me a lot better and are more accepting in many ways of how I am, which makes it easier for me to just be me. I love it here though, because I can talk the gospel and get energized through a great and meaningful conversation and not have to worry about a ton of nasty things getting said to me. I still have a lot to learn and although done with formal education for now I am still in school, the school of life.
There is so much that I could say and I don't really know where to start. Well, a breakthrough of sorts I guess is where I can start!! I actually cried in front of people in the past 6 months!! This might sound rather mundane to some, but for me it is big as I just don't do things like that when there are people in my presence. I just couldn't hold the tears in and Heavenly Father sent me some angels to help me through those rather dark times. I am still healing and recovering from those and trying to gain control over the anxiety monster that dwells in my soul. I just have to take it one day at a time and keep praying that I can right the wrongs that I have made and find peace in the rights that I have made and go from there.
I have to keep telling myself that some relationships are meant to last a life time and some are only meant to last while the other person needs them to and that is okay. I am just going to keep praying and opening my eyes to the beautiful people that the Lord has put into my life and hold on to the great memories of the ones that have left me. Time to turn a new page and start to let people see who I really am and not what they think that I am. Gone is the me that allows others to control how I heal and what I get over. Gone is the me that allows for others to dictate my happiness and worth. Gone in the me that holds on to people that don't really want to be an active part of my life. I know that I am worth more than that and that I have much to give!!
I have a lot to offer and I offer it freely, but there are limits to what I can give and I now need to start to realize what my limits are. I can no longer be the one that gives all and doesn't get filled back. I can't keep emptying myself in hopes that others will fill me!! I am going to rely on the Lord to be filled and seek for people that give as much as they receive, so that I feel as though I am worth it! I have those in my life that already to that, but I need to surround myself with them and that is where I struggle. I will still help those that struggle and offer a shoulder to cry on and an open ear which listens, but I am not going to allow them to take over my life and suck me to the point of running on fumes. I can't afford to do that anymore it takes to long for me to recover. I have people that I can bless and I need to do that to as many of the children of God as I can.
This may seem harsh to some and there are some that won't get it, but that is okay maybe only I am meant to get it. I can no longer allow for others to give and take away what I feel about myself, if you don't like what I have to give then you are more than welcome to move on and no longer be a part of my life. All I can offer you is to be a true friend that won't run whenever you fall or struggle. I will give you my heart and help you, but if you can't handle or don't want that then maybe being my friend isn't the best option for either one of us. And even if we do part ways I will still be there for you if ever you need an ear or a shoulder. I don't take lightly my promises to others that I will ALWAYS be there no matter what! I am loyal to a default and subject to many behaviors that don't make sense to others, but the ones that get me know that it is me expressing my love for them in the best way that I know how. I have a heart full of love and desire only to give that love away, in spite of all the pain and suffering I have been through in my short time on the earth.
One day I will fully use the Atonement and be healed wholly of the pains that I never share with anyone. When that day comes you won't believe who I will be and then I know that I will finally feel worth it to all that I offer my heart to!
The gospel is true and I know that it will lead me to a peace and happiness that I have yet to experience. Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father live, they love us and they desire only that we return to them. I know that eternal life is possible, but only if we give our wills to Them and allow us to be molded into the people that they know us to be! I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
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