Well now that it has been many many months since I last posted anything on here I thought that I would come back and try to get more regular at sharing on this thing!! What good is it if I don't use it right??!!
It has been some of the most difficult months of my life as of late. I did finally graduate and although that in itself is a miracle I haven't really been over joyous about it. I have shed many tears and managed to survive the ups and downs of friendships (or at least I am trying to). I have moved to Salt Lake City, Utah in hopes of a new start and found that finding a job is one of the most frustrating endeavors known to man!! I have felt very alone and almost to the point of just calling it quits and going home to New York and really starting over not wanting to deal with the life that I have here. Good thing I follow what the Lord says, because I would have left the west along time ago if I didn't. I think that although New York is not the place for me the people there get me a lot better and are more accepting in many ways of how I am, which makes it easier for me to just be me. I love it here though, because I can talk the gospel and get energized through a great and meaningful conversation and not have to worry about a ton of nasty things getting said to me. I still have a lot to learn and although done with formal education for now I am still in school, the school of life.
There is so much that I could say and I don't really know where to start. Well, a breakthrough of sorts I guess is where I can start!! I actually cried in front of people in the past 6 months!! This might sound rather mundane to some, but for me it is big as I just don't do things like that when there are people in my presence. I just couldn't hold the tears in and Heavenly Father sent me some angels to help me through those rather dark times. I am still healing and recovering from those and trying to gain control over the anxiety monster that dwells in my soul. I just have to take it one day at a time and keep praying that I can right the wrongs that I have made and find peace in the rights that I have made and go from there.
I have to keep telling myself that some relationships are meant to last a life time and some are only meant to last while the other person needs them to and that is okay. I am just going to keep praying and opening my eyes to the beautiful people that the Lord has put into my life and hold on to the great memories of the ones that have left me. Time to turn a new page and start to let people see who I really am and not what they think that I am. Gone is the me that allows others to control how I heal and what I get over. Gone is the me that allows for others to dictate my happiness and worth. Gone in the me that holds on to people that don't really want to be an active part of my life. I know that I am worth more than that and that I have much to give!!
I have a lot to offer and I offer it freely, but there are limits to what I can give and I now need to start to realize what my limits are. I can no longer be the one that gives all and doesn't get filled back. I can't keep emptying myself in hopes that others will fill me!! I am going to rely on the Lord to be filled and seek for people that give as much as they receive, so that I feel as though I am worth it! I have those in my life that already to that, but I need to surround myself with them and that is where I struggle. I will still help those that struggle and offer a shoulder to cry on and an open ear which listens, but I am not going to allow them to take over my life and suck me to the point of running on fumes. I can't afford to do that anymore it takes to long for me to recover. I have people that I can bless and I need to do that to as many of the children of God as I can.
This may seem harsh to some and there are some that won't get it, but that is okay maybe only I am meant to get it. I can no longer allow for others to give and take away what I feel about myself, if you don't like what I have to give then you are more than welcome to move on and no longer be a part of my life. All I can offer you is to be a true friend that won't run whenever you fall or struggle. I will give you my heart and help you, but if you can't handle or don't want that then maybe being my friend isn't the best option for either one of us. And even if we do part ways I will still be there for you if ever you need an ear or a shoulder. I don't take lightly my promises to others that I will ALWAYS be there no matter what! I am loyal to a default and subject to many behaviors that don't make sense to others, but the ones that get me know that it is me expressing my love for them in the best way that I know how. I have a heart full of love and desire only to give that love away, in spite of all the pain and suffering I have been through in my short time on the earth.
One day I will fully use the Atonement and be healed wholly of the pains that I never share with anyone. When that day comes you won't believe who I will be and then I know that I will finally feel worth it to all that I offer my heart to!
The gospel is true and I know that it will lead me to a peace and happiness that I have yet to experience. Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father live, they love us and they desire only that we return to them. I know that eternal life is possible, but only if we give our wills to Them and allow us to be molded into the people that they know us to be! I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment