As of late I have been brought to a remembrance of the things I all to often take for granted. Things such as personal touch with people, friends that love me and accept me for who I am and what I have to offer now, having a firm knowledge of what I am and what I stand for, the peace that the gospel brings to my life. I just don't know where I would be without these things that I am grateful for. I realized that I might not need as much social interaction as some, but that I do need more than I thought and that getting out of the city made me realize that I am not a city girl, but that I can make it in the city if I need to! I can't believe all of the small miracles that I over look on a daily basis and that I forget that my Heavenly Father gave to me that I might remember Him. Things such as: a roof over my head ( I am daily confronted with those that don't have that), my warm blankets and clothes, being able to use all five senses (even though some of them don't work as well as others), having nice clothes to wear, friends that care, and so many other personal and private miracles that He gives me each and every day!
I have come to a realization about something that had never dawned on me before and really opened my eyes to how many levels each verse of the scriptures can hold and what they can do to help you realize the things that you need to change and over come. In the visions of the tree of life that Lehi and Nephi have in the Book of Mormon we hear of the mists of darkness and what that represents and how it keeps us from partaking of the fruit of the tree of life. In Lehi's account we know that the mist is there, but we don't really learn what it represents other than an obstacle in getting to the tree. In Nephi's account of the vision we learn that the mists of darkness represents the sins that we commit that keep us from finding and staying on the path to the tree of life. As I was pondering this I came to realize that the mist isn't just our sins and that there are a great number of other things that keep us from staying on the straight and narrow path that aren't sins, but rather struggles that we have in our own lives that keep us from seeing the light and holding fast to the rod that leads us back to Christ. I thought that I would share some of mine.
Those who know me best know that I am one of the most insecure people when it comes to relationships of any kind. Much of this has to do with not really having had much experience with stable relationships and the fact that the ones that were supposed to be stable with uncles and what not turned in to a hellish nightmare that has left me rather skeptical about anyone really needing to get too close to me or wanting to seeing as I can't really be worth it if the ones that are supposed to protect me find me more like a piece of meat that can be chewed on and spit out and their own fancy. I know that this is not a good vision to have of ones self, but that is the interesting thing about being sexually abused, it skews all of your thoughts and makes it so hard to let people close that you end up pushing them away. This is a mist of darkness for me, because it leads me away from valuing myself as a valuable person in a relationship and the happiness that comes from feeling like things are okay and that they are secure where they are. the Lord never wanted me to push people away, but this is what I find myself doing when I feel the least bit threatened or insecure about any relationship that I have in my life, if you don't believe me go ahead and ask my family, I many times in my life have cut them off from the darkness that resides in my mind.
Another mist of darkness that I have in my life is myself. This might sound weird to some, but I am my own worst enemy. I tend to talk myself out of doing anything that would bring me the happiness that I seek, because most of the time I don't feel as though I am worth it. I mean really who wants to stay in my life and see how messed up I really am?? I know that there are those of you who do, but this is the daily battle that I have with myself. I am getting better at pushing that thought away, but sometimes it gets the best of me and I crack and make people run. I know that I have a lot of work to do and I am trying, but this keeps me from the path more than any other mist of darkness in my life. Without the love that I need for myself I am rendered crippled to love those around me the way that the Savior loved those around Him. When I fix this many of my insecurities will disappear and then maybe I won't scare so many people away from me.
I have many more mists of darkness that I could share, but I think that this is enough and I would hope that you can find your personal mists of darkness and realize what they are holding you back from and try to correct that so that you can partake of the tree of life and gain exaltation. I know that I want to live with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ again, but I also know that right now I have a lot of work that I might be worthy of that great and precious blessing. All I ask of you that are a part of my life is to be patient and give me a chance to change and become. This is a long process, but I know that as I turn my life and heart and will over to the Savior it is possible and He will make me whole again!
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