The past few weeks have been ones of reflection and learning. I have realized that I miss some of my friends and my family for the simple things and not for any pain or misunderstandings that we might have had. I realized that there are something that I have to get over my pains and insecurities about people leaving my life. If they leave then there is nothing that I can do and can't live in fear that everyone that I love will leave me because I am too much to handle. It really is okay that friendships and other types of relationships have long periods of silence and it doesn't mean that I have been forgotten or that anyone has given up on me. Each day I am learning that people will be people and that means that sometimes someone or many get hurt in the process. I know that I have caused my fair share of pain and afflicted more than enough sorrow on those that I love and for that I am truly sorry. I am weak when it comes to that and I am working on it. I have a long ways to go!
I am learning so much about me and what my role in this mortal life is and I can't even believe that I was chosen to come down at this time and be here do what I am doing. I know that I am a teacher of the gospel and that the other half of me is still missing. I am at a place right now where I am happier than I have ever been, but feel incomplete like there is something missing and I don't know what else I have to do to get it. I am trying to be where I need to be and do what I need to do and I am trying to prepare for the other half of me, but I am missing something and I am not sure what it is. I feel like I am where I belong and doing what I am supposed to do, but I also feel like I am missing out on something that is right here in front of me and I don't know what it is. I am trying to be nice to everyone and not be as outspoken as I tend to be, but then I feel fake. I am learning that being me works for some, but not for most and I am not sure what that means for me. I just know that something is missing and I need it more than I ever have and desire it more than I ever have. I am sure that having so many friends getting engaged and married isn't helping me, but I feel great joy for them and know that they are on the right path that leads to exaltation.
The more I sit and think the more I realize that I am making great and very hard changes in my life and I can only hope that that means that I am getting to a point where I can let the real me show to everyone. Self-discovery sure is tiring and hard, but I know that it will be worth it. The Lord is preparing me for something and although I want it to be what my heart desires, I might have to wait longer and go a different way to get that desire. I don't really know I just hope that I am ready for whatever it is and that I can fulfill it with all that I have. The more I learn about myself the more I see that I have a lot more to offer to those around me than I am offering right now and that is not a good thing. Time to let my light shine and stand as a beacon for others to come to when they need to be guided safely into harbor!
The life sure is crazy, but I am learning to love all of the twists, turns, bumps, and ruts that it throws at me. My faith is simple, but it is firm and strong and that is how I keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when that step is into the dark.
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