So, This past few weeks has been interesting and enlightening! My mom made it back home safely, I celebrated my 3 years till I am thirty day, and was taught a very sweet lesson from the Spirit! (oh, and I started working at a call center) I would say that I have been moving forward and getting ready to get done with school. I can't wait till December and my end of undergraduate studies! I am most excited to meet up with sum old chums and making money that will hopefully make me through job hunting again! Life sure moves faster than I want it to at time and far too slow too, what a paradox that this life is! I am glad for it though and can't wait to see where the Lord takes me after this!
Back to filling in what I was taught by the Spirit this week! It is something that I didn't realize that I had last until not too long ago and am still trying to figure out how I never gained this testimony. It came as I was reading in the Doctrine and Covenants and stopped to ponder a question that my counselor asked me to ponder and work on for the next week, it was not a grand experience nor one that yielded a vision, but and answer to prayers non the less! The question that I was asked to ponder was who I am... and as I thought of this I had the thought first and for most that I am a daughter of God. It was the sweetest spiritual experience that I have ever had. I can't believe how sudden the answer came or how I was even brought to think of that question, but I am grateful that I am a daughter of God and that He taught me that in the most gentle and amazingly simple ways. I don't know what it is that makes things click, but I am sure grateful that that is what is happening for me now! There is no greater gift that having the knowledge that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me for who I am now and is pulling for me to become who I am to be to fulfill the mission that He has for my life here on earth! Let the molding begin!
Well, I must now go to the temple and feel of His love even more than I have in the past few days!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Burn out and Resurrection!
This past nine days has been great with my mom around, but I find myself not wanting to get school done and this is not a good thing. I am burned out and have stopped really caring which is reflected in my attendance in the three classes that I am in. One teacher is calling me on it and this worries me I just hope that I am able to pass the class and be done with it. Musicianship is just not a class that I do well in and I can't seem to figure out how to pull my ear training out of the darkness and into the light and this scares me as I don't want to come back to take it in the winter!
I am trying to stay positive, but feel as though I am slipping and that is why I am going to go to the temple today and reset/recharge myself. There is a power in the temple that calms me that I have not really found anywhere else and through experience with not attending regularly and attending regularly I know that I need to always live close to one, so that I can stay spiritually happy. I went last week, but my charge is getting weak, so I am going to go again! I am also going to get on a schedule! I am not doing well with the crazy hours that I am keeping and the face that I am now employed will relieve a burden that was weighing quite heavily upon me. I am going to miss my mom and all, but I am glad that I am back to being on my own and that I will soon have an income and not have to rely on her as much as I have been this past few months! I can't say that money won't be tight, but I am going to make it if I have to cry and bleed to do it!
My big stress right now is how I am supposed to pay my rental car off and now come up with the funds for my car that decided that it needed to have engine problems this week! My mom is helping me out a little bit, but I am going to pay her back and hope that it is not going to be way expensive for me to pay off as I am not going to let my mom do that! I know she wants to help, but at nearly 27 she can't support me as much as she has been financially, I am an adult and need to start acting like it again! I have faith and hope that it will all work out the way that it is supposed to and that I will one day look back at this day and laugh at all that I thought was so hard and I am sure wish that I could come back to this time when things were so much easier!
This past week I made a commitment that I was no longer going to break the speed limit as do my best to stay right at what it says! I know that this might sound a bit trivial, but the Doctrine and Covenants tells us that if we are disciples of the Lord that we have no need to break the laws of the land and that struck me that if I can't obey the speed limit that I am not living my covenants and that is not going to get me where I want to be! I am doing well and have found that by going the speed limit I get to places in what seems to be a shorter time than if I go faster. Go figure! I know this might not make sense, but give it a try and see what it is that I am saying!! The Lord blesses those that are obedient to his commandments and this is what following the speed limit has taught me in a way that I haven't learned in a long while!
Well, I need to go, but I will write more at some point in time this week!
I am trying to stay positive, but feel as though I am slipping and that is why I am going to go to the temple today and reset/recharge myself. There is a power in the temple that calms me that I have not really found anywhere else and through experience with not attending regularly and attending regularly I know that I need to always live close to one, so that I can stay spiritually happy. I went last week, but my charge is getting weak, so I am going to go again! I am also going to get on a schedule! I am not doing well with the crazy hours that I am keeping and the face that I am now employed will relieve a burden that was weighing quite heavily upon me. I am going to miss my mom and all, but I am glad that I am back to being on my own and that I will soon have an income and not have to rely on her as much as I have been this past few months! I can't say that money won't be tight, but I am going to make it if I have to cry and bleed to do it!
My big stress right now is how I am supposed to pay my rental car off and now come up with the funds for my car that decided that it needed to have engine problems this week! My mom is helping me out a little bit, but I am going to pay her back and hope that it is not going to be way expensive for me to pay off as I am not going to let my mom do that! I know she wants to help, but at nearly 27 she can't support me as much as she has been financially, I am an adult and need to start acting like it again! I have faith and hope that it will all work out the way that it is supposed to and that I will one day look back at this day and laugh at all that I thought was so hard and I am sure wish that I could come back to this time when things were so much easier!
This past week I made a commitment that I was no longer going to break the speed limit as do my best to stay right at what it says! I know that this might sound a bit trivial, but the Doctrine and Covenants tells us that if we are disciples of the Lord that we have no need to break the laws of the land and that struck me that if I can't obey the speed limit that I am not living my covenants and that is not going to get me where I want to be! I am doing well and have found that by going the speed limit I get to places in what seems to be a shorter time than if I go faster. Go figure! I know this might not make sense, but give it a try and see what it is that I am saying!! The Lord blesses those that are obedient to his commandments and this is what following the speed limit has taught me in a way that I haven't learned in a long while!
Well, I need to go, but I will write more at some point in time this week!
Monday, June 6, 2011
More Lessons Learned!
So, who knew that so many interesting people existed in the world?! I am on an online dating site, although that is not why I really use it and I started chatting with this young man and we skyped as it is a good way to communicate with a picture that is up to date and what not! And I feel so unclean now after talking to him that I don't know when I am going to be able to sleep! Things stated out normal and ended not so normal and I felt as though if he really had the chance he would take advantage of me in person and just don't get why I keep getting guys like this. I am going to be fine though and hope that I can attract a more normal guy that can help me become a better person and reach my full potential. Thing will work out!
On an happier note, I am starting to really figure some pretty deep things out about myself that I think I can work on as I begin to open wounds and memories that I have blocked for so long. I think that my abuse is not the problem, although it did shape me and cause damage I really don't think that that is the source of my pain and am trying to piece together a childhood that I really don't remember so that I can get to the source of my pain and sorrow. I am not sure how long this will take, but I do know that as I get there it is going to help me build the relationship I want with my Heavenly Father as I will truly begin to trust him. I feel that as I gain this trust and really begin to open my heat to him I will be able to gain this love I lack for myself. I don't know when I lost this love of myself, but I did and I need it back, so that I can become all that I am to become. I give much love, but I know that I can give even more when I gain love of self and truly desire that I am able to do this!
My mom is coming out to visit me and I am picking her up tomorrow. I am so very excited to see here after nearly 18 months of not seeing her and hope that I can help her to relax and recover some spiritual stamina that she might be able to keep the faith. Life really is a challenge and the more that I give into being negative and not doing all that I can to life those around me, the more I am unable to become as the Savior. I look forward to the great food and opportunities that await me as I spend time with my mother. There is going to be growth in this experience as there is in every experience that we are brought into.
I want to thank all of my friends and family for helping me when I am down. I promise that one day and I hope that that day is soon I will be as if I were a new person no longer bogged down by the pain that is in my soul. When this day comes I hope that I can share with you the joy that will fill my heart and hopefully help me to be what you all see in me. I love you all and pray that you will be able to feel of the love of the Savior and know that He is listening and will answer all of your prayers when it is time for them to be answered!
On an happier note, I am starting to really figure some pretty deep things out about myself that I think I can work on as I begin to open wounds and memories that I have blocked for so long. I think that my abuse is not the problem, although it did shape me and cause damage I really don't think that that is the source of my pain and am trying to piece together a childhood that I really don't remember so that I can get to the source of my pain and sorrow. I am not sure how long this will take, but I do know that as I get there it is going to help me build the relationship I want with my Heavenly Father as I will truly begin to trust him. I feel that as I gain this trust and really begin to open my heat to him I will be able to gain this love I lack for myself. I don't know when I lost this love of myself, but I did and I need it back, so that I can become all that I am to become. I give much love, but I know that I can give even more when I gain love of self and truly desire that I am able to do this!
My mom is coming out to visit me and I am picking her up tomorrow. I am so very excited to see here after nearly 18 months of not seeing her and hope that I can help her to relax and recover some spiritual stamina that she might be able to keep the faith. Life really is a challenge and the more that I give into being negative and not doing all that I can to life those around me, the more I am unable to become as the Savior. I look forward to the great food and opportunities that await me as I spend time with my mother. There is going to be growth in this experience as there is in every experience that we are brought into.
I want to thank all of my friends and family for helping me when I am down. I promise that one day and I hope that that day is soon I will be as if I were a new person no longer bogged down by the pain that is in my soul. When this day comes I hope that I can share with you the joy that will fill my heart and hopefully help me to be what you all see in me. I love you all and pray that you will be able to feel of the love of the Savior and know that He is listening and will answer all of your prayers when it is time for them to be answered!
Monday, May 30, 2011
A New Day, Another Lesson!
Today has been interesting in that I thought that I was going to be able to stay happy all day, but that did not quite happen. I seem to struggle most when there is rain and dark overcast skies surrounding me. I don't know why I grew up with that, but it seems to make me very not happy and more liable to be mean or at least not as nice as I should be to those around me. I need to solve this issue and fast! I am going to take it to the Lord and see what He says that I should do!
I am doing a practicum for my religion class for the next two weeks, and I am excited yet extremely nervous to try to pull this off! I am changing my language, meaning that if there happens to be cuss words they are gone, but more importantly the biggest and probably hardest thing for me is that I am going to become more positive. I am great when it comes to encouraging those around me, but well not so hot at staying positive about my life and what not! I also am going to try to be positive about all that is going on around me. I struggle seeing the point sometimes and then get all depressed about the work that has to be done and why I have to do it. I need to be more optimistic about all that is going on in my life and the lives of those around me! I think that as I learn this skill, I will be better able to help those around me and do those things that I am here to do!
On a lighter and for me much much happier note, after nearly 18 months of not seeing my mother she is COMING here to Idaho to see me! I am so very excited and can't wait to see her. I think that I forget sometimes that I am close to my family, even when they say things like don't come home you make things worse! Although that hurts I still love them and would do anything that I could to help them if it was in my power to help them that is. One of my biggest dreams is that they will find God and turn to him for the help that they stand in need of, so that they might be happier and healthier people. One day this will happen and then will joy over flow from my soul and then will I know that they are paying attention to me, even when it feels as though they are not!
I will have to keep you all up on how my mother's visit goes! I am sure that as I strive to get through this hard time in my life I will one day look back and realize just how much Christ has carried me and made it so that I don't have to go through this alone. When that day comes I will think of it as one of the greatest miracles of my life!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The Blessing of the temple!
Today after waiting for an hour to get unlocked out of my apartment I was blessed to be able to attend the temple. For those of you who don't know what a temple is go to lds.org and look under the menu tab under The Church tab the sub heading of temple. It is an amazing place where heaven meets earth and inspiration and other amazing things come to pass. I try to go every week as I need to have a spiritual recharge every week and that seems to put me in the best place to prepare for partaking of the sacrament. Today was great as I learned great things and noticed things that I had not before. Sorry, if you want more information I cannot give it because I made a promise with my Father in Heaven not to share what goes on in the temple outside of the temple with anyone. As I was in the Celestial Room I was able to allow the Spirit to teach my spirit more about being of divine worth and although not all the way wrapped around this in my head, my spirit let me know that this is true. I really do have divine worth and that I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. I still have to write this on my heart and sear it into my brain, but this is a step in the right direction! There is still much for me to do that I might start to live up to this potential, but now that I know more about it I can start to make the changes that I need to make and then I will look back and say I really did know that I am a daughter of God with divine worth, I just lost my way and had to learn all over again. I am grateful that I have people in my life that care enough about me to remind me that I have great faith in the gospel, as I tend to forget and meander along thinking that there is nothing left. I just have to remember where I have come form and what I have gone through and realize that I have this iron will that won't let me give up and keep running away, but it will make me face the demons and help those around me even when I don't really want to!
My next big battle is not running from this pain that I carry in my soul that bogs me down and keeps me from pursuing the dreams that I have. I have these amazing ideas that I never let come out, because I don't think that I am good enough or the right person to bring them to pass. I let the fear of being rejected and steppes all over once again win out over the fact that I can maybe help to life another's burden through this means of offering a helping hand. The more I learn about what the Lord can do for me and has done for me that more I realize that I just can't understand his ways, or the great power that he has, but I can tap into that power and learn how to act in his ways and thus this pain in my heart and soul can be healed and when I say healed I mean literally taken away! I just hope that I can trust him and those that he has put in my life enough that this healing might take place and I can truly let my light shine! This is what I want and right now am not able to do, because I let the fear of letting go and getting hurt all over again stop me from showing this world what I am really like and who I really am. The person that some people get a glimpse of every now and again and wonder who she is and why she isn't around more often. The person that has all of this love to give and all of her life to live and not in fear, but uninhibited and free to be the happy soulful me that comes out only in short tid bits! I will let her out one day and she will stay forever and make a difference in this world!
I am going to try to improve my language, meaning that I am going to try to be positive all of the time and try to defeat this negative unhappy self, and become the happy positive even for self self that needs to be here that she might lift the spirits of those around her! Some homework assignments really do stretch you!
My next big battle is not running from this pain that I carry in my soul that bogs me down and keeps me from pursuing the dreams that I have. I have these amazing ideas that I never let come out, because I don't think that I am good enough or the right person to bring them to pass. I let the fear of being rejected and steppes all over once again win out over the fact that I can maybe help to life another's burden through this means of offering a helping hand. The more I learn about what the Lord can do for me and has done for me that more I realize that I just can't understand his ways, or the great power that he has, but I can tap into that power and learn how to act in his ways and thus this pain in my heart and soul can be healed and when I say healed I mean literally taken away! I just hope that I can trust him and those that he has put in my life enough that this healing might take place and I can truly let my light shine! This is what I want and right now am not able to do, because I let the fear of letting go and getting hurt all over again stop me from showing this world what I am really like and who I really am. The person that some people get a glimpse of every now and again and wonder who she is and why she isn't around more often. The person that has all of this love to give and all of her life to live and not in fear, but uninhibited and free to be the happy soulful me that comes out only in short tid bits! I will let her out one day and she will stay forever and make a difference in this world!
I am going to try to improve my language, meaning that I am going to try to be positive all of the time and try to defeat this negative unhappy self, and become the happy positive even for self self that needs to be here that she might lift the spirits of those around her! Some homework assignments really do stretch you!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Reflections!
So, today as I have had some time to think about things and read over my patriarchal blessing (a blessing given through a man that holds the priesthood and is called by an apostle!) I realized that I really and truly don't have a testimony that I am a daughter of God and thus of great worth. I feel as though there is a glimmer of this understanding in my soul, but it doesn't seem to resonate within me as the other great doctrines of the restored gospel. I don't know how this happened, but I know that I need to gain this testimony and then allow the Lord to truly mold me into the person that He needs me to be. The more that I study about the atonement and the more I try to apply this greatest of gifts to my life the more I realize that the only thing that I can give in my will and then stand back and watch what the Lord can do through me. I know I have a long ways to go, but I think that the Lord is really trying to open me up and show me that the pain can and will be taken away as I believe in his name and allow his blood and tears to heal me.
I am constantly in awe of the amazing people that He has placed in my life! To me this is one of the greatest miracles that I have been a witness to. The phone calls, hugs, late night talks, emails, texts, stopping by just because they sense that I am not doing okay, and all of the other little and big things that they do for me on a daily basis. I wonder how it is that these people find me and then select me to be their friend? I know that the Lord has brought into my life these people that I know that I knew before as there is no other way to describe the bond that is formed. I am not saying that all of my friends are like this, but I know that there are a few and they are the ones that have impacted my life the most and helped me to see some of the potential that I have. I only wish that I was more eloquent in my abilities to convey to them verbally what it is that they have done in my life. I know that I have written them and tried to be there for them not matter the cost to me, but I just don't think that that is enough, for in many ways they have saved my life from the downward spiral that it tends to go in a few times a year! They answer my prayers more than they can or will ever know! I love them and would literally give my life for them that they might remain here to bless the lives of others!
Well, I think that this is enough for now. May the Lord bless you and keep you!
I am constantly in awe of the amazing people that He has placed in my life! To me this is one of the greatest miracles that I have been a witness to. The phone calls, hugs, late night talks, emails, texts, stopping by just because they sense that I am not doing okay, and all of the other little and big things that they do for me on a daily basis. I wonder how it is that these people find me and then select me to be their friend? I know that the Lord has brought into my life these people that I know that I knew before as there is no other way to describe the bond that is formed. I am not saying that all of my friends are like this, but I know that there are a few and they are the ones that have impacted my life the most and helped me to see some of the potential that I have. I only wish that I was more eloquent in my abilities to convey to them verbally what it is that they have done in my life. I know that I have written them and tried to be there for them not matter the cost to me, but I just don't think that that is enough, for in many ways they have saved my life from the downward spiral that it tends to go in a few times a year! They answer my prayers more than they can or will ever know! I love them and would literally give my life for them that they might remain here to bless the lives of others!
Well, I think that this is enough for now. May the Lord bless you and keep you!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
" O, wretched woman that I am..."
So, the title does not mean all that you think that it does, but at times I am called to remember how weak and stubborn I am. I keep thinking that I will get better without asking for or taking help from others, but in the end that works against me. I mean I am getting better and all, I just don't seem to have any energy and that is not a good thing. I have this deep rooted fear that I am not going to make it through my musicianship class again and I just can't think of staying here for another semester to take this class. I am hoping and praying that I will be able to figure it out and make it through. I know that I am getting closer to getting it, but I just don't think that I am there yet! I am at a cross roads with this and don't know what I am to do. I feel as though I have beet these things over the head with a steel beam and it just isn't there! I am sure that I can work it out, but I just want the comfort now! Okay, enough!
I have found that the rain puts me in a rather depressed mood and I don't like it! I have tried to think happy thoughts and even watched a two year old that has so much love in her tiny frame and I just can't seem to get to a really happy place. Sometimes I feel as though it would be easier to leave this place and go somewhere where no one knows who I am and start over without letting anyone know where I am or what I am doing until I get things in my life straightened out. I know that this really won't help me due to having a hard time with opening up to people that I don't know at all and the fact that change like that would probably make me a hermit, but the thought seems comforting when life gets me down. I just don't know how much I can take with the changing and the unsettled future that awaits me. I have these grand thoughts and ideas of changing the world one person at a time and have great ideas that I think would help, but then the fear and doubt seep in and I slink away from those grad designs and feel like trash! I can only hope that I can overcome this and move forward!
I must say that the world sure seems to be enwrapped with tragedy and I wish that this was going to get better, but it is not. These are the signs of the times that are to come before Christ reigns on earth again. The earth must purge those things that cause her to be not pure and that means that there has to be heart ache and suffering by us mere humans. Each natural disaster that strikes makes my heart ache and my soul yearn to be with those people that they might lean upon my shoulder and hopefully feel the love of God! I wish that I could open my eyes wide enough that I might see and feel His love more in my life, but I get so lost in myself that I seem to never remember. This is why the title is what it is. I cannot seem to let the natural man be controlled by my spirit and that means that I suffer far more than I need to with trivial and menial things, that have no true meaning for me attaining my place with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ! I want this, but don't seem to be strong enough to live to that blessing. I feel as though I am not good enough to hold onto friends or loved ones in a manner that allows for satisfaction or true bonds that can't be broken. I ask all of the time where the 19 year old convert that was secure with the relationships that she had went as she is gone and this person that is here now is the shell of her former self and the dreams that she had seem to be gone from the view of even the remotest parts of her soul? Where was the me that knew the gospel was true and opened her mouth before the mission and shared with boldness those things that would help others to feel the love that the Savior has for them? Where is the person that truly laughed and smiled in pure joy and jubilation just because there was a feeling of love showed to her? I want her back, but I pushed her so far down that I don't know that she will ever come back and allow those around her to see the person that I am really am.
I am weak and that is fine, I am scared and that too is fine, but what is not fine is the lack of faith that permeates my very soul when I most need that faith to pull me through. Very few people would say that I am faithless and I can't say that I am either, but it is smaller than the grain of a mustard seed at the moment, which is why I can't remove this mountain from before me. I am climbing and slip further and further down each time I climb one inch it feels as though I lose 5 more on the fall. I get being refined, but sometimes I just don't get the point of the trials that I have faced and am facing right now. I just want peace and the knowledge that I am loved and even when people tell me that they do love me I really wish that I could believe them, as I don't see one good reason when I am where I am too love me. I don't get the pull that I seem to have on people, or the reasons why they make me a part of their lives. I can't stand me and I don't know how they can I just don't get it! Before I get any deeper I am going to end this and try to deal with the emotions that I just surfaced!
I have found that the rain puts me in a rather depressed mood and I don't like it! I have tried to think happy thoughts and even watched a two year old that has so much love in her tiny frame and I just can't seem to get to a really happy place. Sometimes I feel as though it would be easier to leave this place and go somewhere where no one knows who I am and start over without letting anyone know where I am or what I am doing until I get things in my life straightened out. I know that this really won't help me due to having a hard time with opening up to people that I don't know at all and the fact that change like that would probably make me a hermit, but the thought seems comforting when life gets me down. I just don't know how much I can take with the changing and the unsettled future that awaits me. I have these grand thoughts and ideas of changing the world one person at a time and have great ideas that I think would help, but then the fear and doubt seep in and I slink away from those grad designs and feel like trash! I can only hope that I can overcome this and move forward!
I must say that the world sure seems to be enwrapped with tragedy and I wish that this was going to get better, but it is not. These are the signs of the times that are to come before Christ reigns on earth again. The earth must purge those things that cause her to be not pure and that means that there has to be heart ache and suffering by us mere humans. Each natural disaster that strikes makes my heart ache and my soul yearn to be with those people that they might lean upon my shoulder and hopefully feel the love of God! I wish that I could open my eyes wide enough that I might see and feel His love more in my life, but I get so lost in myself that I seem to never remember. This is why the title is what it is. I cannot seem to let the natural man be controlled by my spirit and that means that I suffer far more than I need to with trivial and menial things, that have no true meaning for me attaining my place with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ! I want this, but don't seem to be strong enough to live to that blessing. I feel as though I am not good enough to hold onto friends or loved ones in a manner that allows for satisfaction or true bonds that can't be broken. I ask all of the time where the 19 year old convert that was secure with the relationships that she had went as she is gone and this person that is here now is the shell of her former self and the dreams that she had seem to be gone from the view of even the remotest parts of her soul? Where was the me that knew the gospel was true and opened her mouth before the mission and shared with boldness those things that would help others to feel the love that the Savior has for them? Where is the person that truly laughed and smiled in pure joy and jubilation just because there was a feeling of love showed to her? I want her back, but I pushed her so far down that I don't know that she will ever come back and allow those around her to see the person that I am really am.
I am weak and that is fine, I am scared and that too is fine, but what is not fine is the lack of faith that permeates my very soul when I most need that faith to pull me through. Very few people would say that I am faithless and I can't say that I am either, but it is smaller than the grain of a mustard seed at the moment, which is why I can't remove this mountain from before me. I am climbing and slip further and further down each time I climb one inch it feels as though I lose 5 more on the fall. I get being refined, but sometimes I just don't get the point of the trials that I have faced and am facing right now. I just want peace and the knowledge that I am loved and even when people tell me that they do love me I really wish that I could believe them, as I don't see one good reason when I am where I am too love me. I don't get the pull that I seem to have on people, or the reasons why they make me a part of their lives. I can't stand me and I don't know how they can I just don't get it! Before I get any deeper I am going to end this and try to deal with the emotions that I just surfaced!
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