A New Day, Another Lesson!

   Today has been interesting in that I thought that I was going to be able to stay happy all day, but that did not quite happen. I seem to struggle most when there is rain and dark overcast skies surrounding me. I don't know why I grew up with that, but it seems to make me very not happy and more liable to be mean or at least not as nice as I should be to those around me. I need to solve this issue and fast! I am going to take it to the Lord and see what He says that I should do! 

    I am doing a practicum for my religion class for the next two weeks, and I am excited yet extremely nervous to try to pull this off! I am changing my language, meaning that if there happens to be cuss words they are gone, but more importantly the biggest and probably hardest thing for me is that I am going to become more positive. I am great when it comes to encouraging those around me, but well not so hot at staying positive about my life and what not! I also am going to try to be positive about all that is going on around me. I struggle seeing the point sometimes and then get all depressed about the work that has to be done and why I have to do it. I need to be more optimistic about all that is going on in my life and the lives of those around me! I think that as I learn this skill, I will be better able to help those around me and do those things that I am here to do! 

  On a lighter and for me much much happier note, after nearly 18 months of not seeing my mother she is COMING here to Idaho to see me! I am so very excited and can't wait to see her. I think that I forget sometimes that I am close to my family, even when they say things like don't come home you make things worse! Although that hurts I still love them and would do anything that I could to help them if it was in my power to help them that is. One of my biggest dreams is that they will find God and turn to him for the help that they stand in need of, so that they might be happier and healthier people. One day this will happen and then will joy over flow from my soul and then will I know that they are paying attention to me, even when it feels as though they are not! 

  I will have to keep you all up on how my mother's visit goes! I am sure that as I strive to get through this hard time in my life I will one day look back and realize just how much Christ has carried me and made it so that I don't have to go through this alone. When that day comes I will think of it as one of the greatest miracles of my life! 

The Blessing of the temple!

Today after waiting for an hour to get unlocked out of my apartment I was blessed to be able to attend the temple. For those of you who don't know what a temple is go to lds.org and look under the menu tab under The Church tab the sub heading of temple. It is an amazing place where heaven meets earth and inspiration and other amazing things come to pass. I try to go every week as I need to have a spiritual recharge every week and that seems to put me in the best place to prepare for partaking of the sacrament. Today was great as I learned great things and noticed things that I had not before. Sorry, if you want more information I cannot give it because I made a promise with my Father in Heaven not to share what goes on in the temple outside of the temple with anyone. As I was in the Celestial Room I was able to allow the Spirit to teach my spirit more about being of divine worth and although not all the way wrapped around this in my head, my spirit let me know that this is true. I really do have divine worth and that I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. I still have to write this on my heart and sear it into my brain, but this is a step in the right direction! There is still much for me to do that I might start to live up to this potential, but now that I know more about it I can start to make the changes that I need to make and then I will look back and say I really did know that I am a daughter of God with divine worth, I just lost my way and had to learn all over again. I am grateful that I have people in my life that care enough about me to remind me that I have great faith in the gospel, as I tend to forget and meander along thinking that there is nothing left. I just have to remember where I have come form and what I have gone through and realize that I have this iron will that won't let me give up and keep running away, but it will make me face the demons and help those around me even when I don't really want to!
 My next big battle is not running from this pain that I carry in my soul that bogs me down and keeps me from pursuing the dreams that I have. I have these amazing ideas that I never let come out, because I don't think that I am good enough or the right person to bring them to pass. I let the fear of being rejected and steppes all over once again win out over the fact that I can maybe help to life another's burden through this means of offering a helping hand. The more I learn about what the Lord can do for me and has done for me that more I realize that  I just can't understand his ways, or the great power that he has, but I can tap into that power and learn how to act in his ways and thus this pain in my heart and soul can be healed and when I say healed I mean literally taken away! I just hope that I can trust him and those that he has put in my life  enough that this healing might take place and I can truly let my light shine! This is what I want and right now am not able to do, because I let the fear of letting go and getting hurt all over again stop me from showing this world what I am really like and who I really am. The person that some people get a glimpse of every now and again and wonder who she is and why she isn't around more often. The person that has all of this love to give and all of her life to live and not in fear, but uninhibited and free to be the happy soulful me that comes out only in short tid bits! I will let her out one day and she will stay forever and make a difference in this world!
  I am going to try to improve my language, meaning that I am going to try to be positive all of the time and try to defeat this negative unhappy self, and become the happy positive even for self self that needs to be here that she might lift the spirits of those around her! Some homework assignments really do stretch you!

Reflections!

  So, today as I have had some time to think about things and read over my patriarchal blessing (a blessing given through a man that holds the priesthood and is called by an apostle!) I realized that I really and truly don't have a testimony that I am a daughter of God and thus of great worth. I feel as though there is a glimmer of this understanding in my soul, but it doesn't seem to resonate within me as the other great doctrines of the restored gospel. I don't know how this happened, but I know that I need to gain this testimony and then allow the Lord to truly mold me into the person that He needs me to be. The more that I study about the atonement and the more I try to apply this greatest of gifts to my life the more I realize that the only thing that I can give in my will and then stand back and watch what the Lord can do through me. I know I have a long ways to go, but I think that the Lord is really trying to open me up and show me that the pain can and will be taken away as I believe in his name and allow his blood and tears to heal me.
  I am constantly in awe of the amazing people that He has placed in my life! To me this is one of the greatest miracles that I have been a witness to. The phone calls, hugs, late night talks, emails, texts, stopping by just because they sense that I am not doing okay, and all of the other little and big things that they do for me on a daily basis. I wonder how it is that these people find me and then select me to be their friend? I know that the Lord has brought into my life these people that I know that I knew before as there is no other way to describe the bond that is formed. I am not saying that all of my friends are like this, but I know that there are a few and they are the ones that have impacted my life the most and helped me to see some of the potential that I have. I only wish that I was more eloquent in my abilities to convey to them verbally what it is that they have done in my life. I know that I have written them and tried to be there for them not matter the cost to me, but I just don't think that that is enough, for in many ways they have saved my life from the downward spiral that it tends to go in a few times a year! They answer my prayers more than they can or will ever know! I love them and would literally give my life for them that they might remain here to bless the lives of others!
  Well, I think that this is enough for now. May the Lord bless you and keep you!

" O, wretched woman that I am..."

So, the title does not mean all that you think that it does, but at times I am called to remember how weak and stubborn I am. I keep thinking that I will get better without asking for or taking help from others, but in the end that works against me. I mean I am getting better and all, I just don't seem to have any energy and that is not a good thing. I have this deep rooted fear that I am not going to make it through my musicianship class again and I just can't think of staying here for another semester to take this class. I am hoping and praying that I will be able to figure it out and make it through. I know that I am getting closer to getting it, but I just don't think that I am there yet! I am at a cross roads with this and don't know what I am to do. I feel as though I have beet these things over the head with a steel beam and it just isn't there! I am sure that I can work it out, but I just want the comfort now! Okay, enough!
 I have found that the rain puts me in a rather depressed mood and I don't like it! I have tried to think happy thoughts and even watched a two year old that has so much love in her tiny frame and I just can't seem to get to a really happy place. Sometimes I feel as though it would be easier to leave this place and go somewhere where no one knows who I am and start over without letting anyone know where I am or what I am doing until I get things in my life straightened out. I know that this really won't help me due to having a hard time with opening up to people that I don't know at all and the fact that change like that would probably make me a hermit, but the thought seems comforting when life gets me down. I just don't know how much I can take with the changing and the unsettled future that awaits me. I have these grand thoughts and ideas of changing the world one person at a time and have great ideas that I think would help, but then the fear and doubt seep in and I slink away from those grad designs and feel like trash! I can only hope that I can overcome this and move forward!
 I must say that the world sure seems to be enwrapped with tragedy and I wish that this was going to get better, but it is not. These are the signs of the times that are to come before Christ reigns on earth again. The earth must purge those things that cause her to be not pure and that means that there has to be heart ache and suffering by us mere humans. Each natural disaster that strikes makes my heart ache and my soul yearn to be with those people that they might lean upon my shoulder and hopefully feel the love of God! I wish that I could open my eyes wide enough that I might see and feel His love more in my life, but I get so lost in myself that I seem to never remember. This is why the title is what it is. I cannot seem to let the natural man be controlled by my spirit and that means that I suffer far more than I need to with trivial and menial things, that have no true meaning for me attaining my place with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ! I want this, but don't seem to be strong enough to live to that blessing. I feel as though I am not good enough to hold onto friends or loved ones in a manner that allows for satisfaction or true bonds that can't be broken. I ask all of the time where the 19 year old convert that was secure with the relationships that she had went as she is gone and this person that is here now is the shell of her former self and the dreams that she had seem to be gone from the view of even the remotest parts of her soul? Where was the me that knew the gospel was true and opened her mouth before the mission and shared with boldness those things that would help others to feel the love that the Savior has for them? Where is the person that truly laughed and smiled in pure joy and jubilation just because there was a feeling of love showed to her? I want her back, but I pushed her so far down that I don't know that she will ever come back and allow those around her to see the person that I am really am.
 I am weak and that is fine, I am scared and that too is fine, but what is not fine is the lack of faith that permeates my very soul when I most need that faith to pull me through. Very few people would say that I am faithless and I can't say that I am either, but it is smaller than the grain of a mustard seed at the moment, which is why I can't remove this mountain from before me. I am climbing and slip further and further down each time I climb one inch it feels as though I lose 5 more on the fall. I get being refined, but sometimes I just don't get the point of the trials that I have faced and am facing right now. I just want peace and the knowledge that I am loved and even when people tell me that they do love me I really wish that I could believe them, as I don't see one good reason when I am where I am too love me. I don't get the pull that I seem to have on people, or the reasons why they make me a part of their lives. I can't stand me and I don't know how they can I just don't get it! Before I get any deeper I am going to end this and try to deal with the emotions that I just surfaced!

The Ponderings of a Broken but not Beaten Soul!

 Being sick has a way of making you think of things that aren't always at the front of ones mind, but are very important! I have come to realize that although I have faith in the gospel and will never leave, I still lack the faith necessary to run towards that everlasting light that awaits me as I truly and fully rely on the Lord and not on my flesh. I seem to always be somewhere in the middle of fear and faith with more often than not the fear drowning out my faith. I want to have the faith of the prophets of old and Nephi ( a prophet in the Book of Mormon), but I can't seem get over my fears and anxieties long enough to actually make the move towards the light that is sufficient to allow the path to be lighted for me to become all that I am to become. I want to have the faith that can move mountains as stated in the Bible, but I can't seem to get there!
 I know that I need to be patient in my quest for healing and becoming, but at times like now I feel as though I am not making any progress and in fact am sliding back down into this black abyss that seems to swallow all that I love and the darkness once again engulfs my heart and I have no determination to do much of anything that is of worth. I know that I am better spiritually than I have been in such a long time, but that doesn't seem to be enough to encourage me to keep on the path that I am on, one that is full of pain and affliction and tribulation. I want to heal, I want to give me the same amount of love that I seem so willing and able to give to others, but I don't! I have been fighting these feelings of worthlessness and nothingness for so long it is as though I can't let them go, because I won't know who I am anymore and that is more unsettling and causes more fear in my soul than I can seem to handle in more than minute and almost non existing levels. I talk a good talk, but can't seem to walk the walk that that talk requires, I am not a complete hypocrite (but in some respects I am pretty darn close to being as they were), I just don't love myself anymore than let's say you love fleas fasting upon your blood! Big problem when the gospel is all about love and service!
 One day I shall have this love that I need to have and that will radiate to others and they will be able to be more comfortable around me!
 Enough for tonight, welcome to the dark and deep recesses of my soul!

Many a Thing Learned

There are few things that can be done when one suffers from seasonal allergies that knock them out, but as I was sick yet again I came to the realization that I had this great power that I don't utilize nearly enough! I know that the priesthood is from God and that it can be used to heal the sick and afflicted and give counsel to those that are in need of it. But, when you don't really trust men and that is who holds the priesthood and you don't really feel that it is necessary to ask when you know that you will get better soon enough (oh and did I mention that you really don't think that asking more than once ever couple of months is a good thing) it makes it hard to humble ones self and ask. I am glad that I did ask, not that I was healed right away for I am still recovering, but because it answered one of the prayers that I have been asking as of late that I know I need to learn how to do. And that is, truly open my heart to the Lord and spill the beans about what is there as he already knows! I have heard many a friend tell me that they talk to God and cry to Him, and I am always touched by this, but I just haven't been able to do the same. The only time that I really plead for anything was when I asked if the Church was true and if He wanted me to be baptized and He gave me my answer in an unforgettable way! So, needless to say that is what I am trying to do and it is hard for me, but the more I open myself the more he can heal me and open my eyes to what he wants me to become. I get glimpses, but as I truly learn to trust in him he can show me more of the whole picture and then I can make the plans that I need to in order to fulfill his plan for me while here on earth.
  I have been thinking a lot about where in my life things got turned so upside down and I decided to rely on me and only me and keep people only close enough that I was satisfied in having a relationship and nothing closer than at arms length! And there are many things that I can say helped me to get to where I am today (although, I am far better than I used to be) and it stems from me being the one that was leaned on, but could never lean on anther. I realized that I love others so much, but am not able to give that love to myself. This is mostly due to my lack of trust in me and the fact that my arm length relationships have hurt me so many times that I can't even begin to tell you. The ones that I thought loved me the most often times have caused me the most pain and in many ways helped me to build this led wall around my heart that I don't let anyone near. I mean until the last little while as the Spirit as whispered and I have listened and opened myself up to others and allowed them to become closer to me than ever before. I can't and won't say that this has been an easy transition, not that old fears of being rejected and pushed away as though I were nothing haven't surfaced, but I am relying in the peace that the Spirit has brought to me as pertaining to those that I have opened up to and that is why I have kept on this path. We shall see what happens as I am sure that there will be more growing pains and even some real pain involved in this coming of age so to speak!
  I feel that this is enough for right now I need to prepare for the world of a two year old for the next little while!!

Just some thoughts!

So, the past few days have been interesting to say the least! Yesterday woke up and could barely move thanks to snapping a muscle while turning in my chair ( I know at my age I should not be having these problems, but alas I do) and so that drained me of all energy ( I took an hour nap late in the afternoon, something that I very rarely do). I didn't make it to class as I was in a lot of pain and wanted to relax. I did run a few errands and what not and got things done, but it was a low key day. I cannot not say that about today!! I woke up with a wretchedly sore throat and decided to stay home. After running to the store to get Orange Juice and cough drops I came home and chilled for a bit. I then got a phone call that set me off into a break down of sorts (tears and all) and I almost decided to drop out of school and run away! After I calmed down and came up with a few plans so that I would not have to stay for the following winter here at BYU-I and as of right now it looks as though I am going to be able to get all that I need done to graduate in December! Great financial burden was just lifted off my shoulders. I know that God is watching out for me and that I need to be more rational when sudden changes happen in my life! I would like to thank all of my friends that gave me encouragement and tell them that life is worth it for me because they are here on my side keeping me from making stupid decisions! There are many things that I must learn and one of them is to think things through before opening my mouth and inserting my foot so far down my throat that I look foolish and uneducated! One day I will learn this and then people will almost always understand what it is that I am saying! Things are looking up and I hope that I can find a job next week, so that I can make money and support myself. I am just hoping that counseling will help me to over come these things inside that I can't seem to let go no matter how I try. I know that the Lord will take the pain and suffering I am just working on giving him the memories and scaring that still remain. The Atonement is real I am just trying to figure it out and use/apply it in my life!
Good night all I will continue my conversion story tomorrow when I get on here to update and what not!