Let the True Healing Begin!

  I have finally come to terms that I have many issues and that now is the time that it is time to get through this and find the peach that I am in need of. I have actually come up with a plan to really allow for the healing to become  completely healed and able to move to a stage to be who it is that I need to be. I want more than anything to be a reliable and stable friend that can be there no matter what. I have thought this out and think that until I reach my main goal of stability which means that I need to have the relationship I dream of with my Heavenly Father and leave it in at His feet in the name of the Savior. This is the only way that I can truly and fully find the balance that is needed to have lasting and stable relationships with those that are a part of my life. This is going to be a very long process and I am going to need encouragement and prayers to get to that place and I know that there are going to be hard times. Please stay with me as I am getting a new heart and a new me. 

   Here is the plan that I have come up with: 

The one thing that keeps coming to my mind with coming to terms with all the anxiety that I hold within is to tell it all to Heavenly Father. If I can get this relationship where it needs to be then I know that I can find the balance that I need so badly. 

Here is what I feel that I need to do in this:

   1.) Take the emails, letters, and every other things that posses the hurt that is with in and take it to Heavenly Father and lay it at the feet of the Savior. These two relationships need to be the strongest in order for me to get through the darkness of my past and the only way that I can fix the relationships that I hold dear here on the earth. 

   2.) Once I take this baggage to the Lord I need to make an assessment of my life and repent of all the things that I have done that need to be corrected and erased. 

          a.) this means that I am going to have to make restitution to all that I have hurt or do my best to do such. 

          b.) this also means that I get to be honest to myself more completely and take the blame where it is my fault 

          c.) I also get to align myself more fully with the will of the Lord and become one with Him

  3.) After I repent and make restitution I need to set more realistic goals and do all that I can to achieve them one step at a time

  4.) I need to realize that this isn't going to happen overnight and might mean that I stay in counseling longer than I might want to and make sure that I have the tools needed to stay grounded and balanced and get through all that has happened to me! 

   I am sure that I am going to stumble. I am going to do all that I can to make a difference in my life and get all the potential i have to give and fulfill. Now I just have to have hope when it doesn't seem that there is anything that is going my way!! This is a new year and time for a new me!! 

Things You Take for Granted and my mists of Darkness!

  As of late I have been brought to a remembrance of the things I all to often take for granted. Things such as personal touch with people, friends that love me and accept me for who I am and what I have to offer now, having a firm knowledge of what I am and what I stand for, the peace that the gospel brings to my life. I just don't know where I would be without these things that I am grateful for. I realized that I might not need as much social interaction as some, but that I do need more than I thought and that getting out of the city made me realize that I am not a city girl, but that I can make it in the city if I need to!  I can't believe all of the small miracles that I over look on a daily basis and that I forget that my Heavenly Father gave to me that I might remember Him. Things such as: a roof over my head ( I am daily confronted with those that don't have that), my warm blankets and clothes, being able to use all five senses (even though some of them don't work as well as others), having nice clothes to wear, friends that care, and so many other personal and private miracles that He gives me each and every day!
  I have come to a realization about something that had never dawned on me before and really opened my eyes to how many levels each verse of the scriptures can hold and what they can do to help you realize the things that you need to change and over come. In the visions of the tree of life that Lehi and Nephi have in the Book of Mormon we hear of the mists of darkness and what that represents and how it keeps us from partaking of the fruit of the tree of life. In Lehi's account we know that the mist is there, but we don't really learn what it represents other than an obstacle in getting to the tree. In Nephi's account of the vision we learn that the mists of darkness represents the sins that we commit that keep us from finding and staying on the path to the tree of life. As I  was pondering this I came to realize that the mist isn't just our sins and that there are a great number of other things that keep us from staying on the straight and narrow path that aren't sins, but rather struggles that we have in our own lives that keep us from seeing the light and holding fast to the rod that leads us back to Christ. I thought that I would share some of mine.
   Those who know me best know that I am one of the most insecure people when it comes to relationships of any kind. Much of this has to do with not really having had much experience with stable relationships and the fact that the ones that were supposed to be stable with uncles and what not turned in to a hellish nightmare that has left me rather skeptical about anyone really needing to get too close to me or wanting to seeing as I can't really be worth it if the ones that are supposed to protect me find me more like a piece of meat that can be chewed on and spit out and their own fancy. I know that this is not a good vision to have of ones self, but that is the interesting thing about being sexually abused, it skews all of your thoughts and makes it so hard to let people close that you end up pushing them away. This is a mist of darkness for me, because it leads me away from valuing myself as a valuable person in a relationship and the happiness that comes from feeling like things are okay and that they are secure where they are. the Lord never wanted me to push people away, but this is what I find myself doing when I feel the least bit threatened or insecure about any relationship that I have in my life, if you don't believe me go ahead and ask my family, I many times in my life have cut them off from the darkness that resides in my mind.
  Another mist of darkness that I have in my life is myself. This might sound weird to some, but I am my own worst enemy. I tend to talk myself out of doing anything that would bring me the happiness that I seek, because most of the time I don't feel as though I am worth it. I mean really who wants to stay in my life and see how messed up I really am?? I know that there are those of you who do, but this is the daily battle that I have with myself. I am getting better at pushing that thought away, but sometimes it gets the best of me and I crack and make people run. I know that I have a lot of work to do and I am trying, but this keeps me from the path more than any other mist of darkness in my life. Without the love that I need for myself I am rendered crippled to love those around me the way that the Savior loved those around Him. When I fix this many of my insecurities will disappear and then maybe I won't scare so many people away from me.
  I have many more mists of darkness that I could share, but I think that this is enough and I would hope that you can find your personal mists of darkness and realize what they are holding you back from and try to correct that so that you can partake of the tree of life and gain exaltation. I know that I want to live with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ again, but I also know that right now I have a lot of work that I might be worthy of that great and precious blessing. All I ask of you that are a part of my life is to be patient and give me a chance to change and become. This is a long process, but I know that as I turn my life and heart and will over to the Savior it is possible and He will make me whole again!

Wow talk about taking a vacation from this blogging thing!

  Well now that it has been many many months since I last posted anything on here I thought that I would come back and try to get more regular at sharing on this thing!! What good is it if I don't use it right??!!
  It has been some of the most difficult months of my life as of late. I did finally graduate and although that in itself is a miracle I haven't really been over joyous about it. I have shed many tears and managed to survive the ups and downs of friendships (or at least I am trying to). I have moved to Salt Lake City, Utah in hopes of a new start and found that finding a job is one of the most frustrating endeavors known to man!! I have felt very alone and almost to the point of just calling it quits and going home to New York and really starting over not wanting to deal with the life that I have here. Good thing I follow what the Lord says, because I would have left the west along time ago if I didn't. I think that although New York is not the place for me the people there get me a lot better and are more accepting in many ways of how I am, which makes it easier for me to just be me. I love it here though, because I can talk the gospel and get energized through a great and meaningful conversation and not have to worry about a ton of nasty things getting said to me. I still have a lot to learn and although done with formal education for now I am still in school, the school of life.
  There is so much that I could say and I don't really know where to start. Well, a breakthrough of sorts I guess is where I can start!! I actually cried in front of people in the past 6 months!! This might sound rather mundane to some, but for me it is big as I just don't do things like that when there are people in my  presence. I just couldn't hold the tears in and Heavenly Father sent me some angels to help me through those rather dark times. I am still healing and recovering from those and trying to gain control over the anxiety monster that dwells in my soul. I just have to take it one day at a time and keep praying that I can right the wrongs that I have made and find peace in the rights that I have made and go from there.
  I have to keep telling myself that some relationships are meant to last a life time and some are only meant to last while the other person needs them to and that is okay. I am just going to keep praying and opening my eyes to the beautiful people that the Lord has put into my life and hold on to the great memories of the ones that have left me. Time to turn a new page and start to let people see who I really am and not what they think that I am. Gone is the me that allows others to control how I heal and what I get over. Gone is the me that allows for others to dictate my happiness and worth. Gone in the me that holds on to people that don't really want to be an active part of my life. I know that I am worth more than that and that I have much to give!!
  I have a lot to offer and I offer it freely, but there are limits to what I can give and I now need to start to realize what my limits are. I can no longer be the one that gives all and doesn't get filled back. I can't keep emptying myself in hopes that others will fill me!! I am going to rely on the Lord to be filled and seek for people that give as much as they receive, so that I feel as though I am worth it! I have those in my life that already to that, but I need to surround myself with them and that is where I struggle. I will still help those that struggle and offer a shoulder to cry on and an open ear which listens, but I am not going to allow them to take over my life and suck me to the point of running on fumes. I can't afford to do that anymore it takes to long for me to recover. I have people that I can bless and I need to do that to as many of the children of God as I can.
   This may seem harsh to some and there are some that won't get it, but that is okay maybe only I am meant to get it. I can no longer allow for others to give and take away what I feel about myself, if you don't like what I have to give then you are more than welcome to move on and no longer be a part of my life. All I can offer you is to be a true friend that won't run whenever you fall or struggle. I will give you my heart and help you, but if you can't handle or don't want that then maybe being my friend isn't the best option for either one of us. And even if we do part ways I will still be there for you if ever you need an ear or a shoulder. I don't take lightly my promises to others that I will ALWAYS be there no matter what! I am loyal to a default and subject to many behaviors that don't make sense to others, but the ones that get me know that it is me expressing my love for them in the best way that I know how. I have a heart full of love and desire only to give that love away, in spite of all the pain and suffering I have been through in my short time on the earth.
   One day I will fully use the Atonement and be healed wholly of the pains that I never share with anyone. When that day comes you won't believe who I will be and then I know that I will finally feel worth it to all that I offer my heart to!
   The gospel is true and I know that it will lead me to a peace and happiness that I have yet to experience. Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father live, they love us and they desire only that we return to them. I know that eternal life is possible, but only if we give our wills to Them and allow us to be molded into the people that they know us to be! I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Short and Sweet!

  I haven't been here in a while and thought that I would drop in! Life is great and I am still learning and growing. I have a long way to go, but I am ready and think that I am starting to get a hold of this thing called life. I don't understand it all, but I can see that the more I learn and apply the more I am able to find other things that I need to ponder and then make course corrections on.
  The semester is drawing to and end and although I am anxious for the end, I am also sad as I have grown and learned so much this semester! I never would have thought that I would have come this far at the beginning of me posting. I can't wait to see what challenges come my way and how I overcome them for the next 7 weeks without counseling and with the change that will occur! I am hoping to keep gaining ground and not lose it the way that I did a few short months ago, although I must admit that that slip has brought more growth than I have seen in many years!! Heres to growth!!

Reflections of the woman within!

  So, life sure is interesting and full of opportunities to learn! I have been doing that a lot lately and can't believe all that I have learned and all that I still must learn! This past week I have been reflecting on who I am thanks to my counselor and instead of stifling the thoughts of womanhood and how that applies to me I have let them come and through this process have come to learn some really amazing things that I didn't really ever equate with myself. It is interesting what the Lord teaches those that are seeking for answers through his Spirit. I have come to realize that I am more a woman that I thought I was!
  One of the great things that I have opened myself to is that I am caring and gentle and that a woman has these abilities that she might be better able to care for her children and those around her. I don't like to admit that I am a huge teddy bear and that my greatest joy in life is making others happy no matter the cost to myself, but alas I am one of those bleeding hearts that has been stepped on one to many times and put my heart in a steel encasement that I might not get hurt. As unattractive as this might be, I have been protected from the hurt of others for the most part, but now I need to open back up and let others all the way into this heart of mine that I might fulfill the mission that the Lord has for me here on Earth! This is indeed scary for me as I know that it means that pain is going to come my way and as of right now my tools for handling that are dull and not prepared in such a manner that I can deal with that. I am working on sharpening those tools and think that once they are sharp enough I might actually be able to make a difference in the lives of those around me as well as in my own life.
  As I am slowly making these changes I have noticed that many of the reasons that the people around me seem to say what they say, is because they see glimpses of the real me and want to see her more than I let her show. I am not sure when I will be able to unleash her all of the way, but as the Lord shows me who he wants me to become I will be able to to unleash her more and more. I think that the more I learn how to deal with her and what she has to offer the more I will be able to not run away in fear and not think that I am just going to be hurt all of the time. This wall between my real heart and the one that I give to others is becoming softer each day, but the big challenge lies with in me and not giving into the temptation of hiding that from others for fear of it getting smashed into a million pieces. I guess I got tired of having to piece it back together and now I am seeing that it is in the piecing it back together that the Lord makes ones heart new. I don't know how it is that he does this, but I can see that my heart is not new and thus more prone to give in to the temptations of the world, which makes it harder for me to be the type of disciple that I desire to be. This journey that I am on makes for a lot of change and a lot of settled things to be made unsettled and then resettled in the way that the Lord wants and needs to to be within me, that I might be the person the he needs and wants me to be. Well, I think that I need more time to ponder and thus I will. Have a great day all!

The Sweet Peace of the Spirit and what He taught me!

  So,  This past few weeks has been interesting and enlightening! My mom made it back home safely, I celebrated my 3 years till I am thirty day, and was taught a very sweet lesson from the Spirit!  (oh, and I started working at a call center) I would say that I have been moving forward and getting ready to get done with school. I can't wait till December and my end of undergraduate studies! I am most excited to meet up with sum old chums and making money that will hopefully make me through job hunting again! Life sure moves faster than I want it to at time and far too slow too, what a paradox that this life is! I am glad for it though and can't wait to see where the Lord takes me after this!
  Back to filling in what I was taught by the Spirit this week! It is something that I didn't realize that I had last until not too long ago and am still trying to figure out how I never gained this testimony. It came as I was reading in the Doctrine and Covenants and stopped to ponder a question that my counselor asked me to ponder and work on for the next week, it was not a grand experience nor one that yielded a vision, but and answer to prayers non the less! The question that I was asked to ponder was who I am... and as I thought of this I had the thought first and for most that I am a daughter of God. It was the sweetest spiritual experience that I have ever had. I can't believe how sudden the answer came or how I was even brought to think of that question, but I am grateful that I am a daughter of God and that He taught me that in the most gentle and amazingly simple ways. I don't know what it is that makes things click, but I am sure grateful that that is what is happening for me now! There is no greater gift that having the knowledge that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me for who I am now and is pulling for me to become who I am to be to fulfill the mission that He has for my life here on earth! Let the molding begin!
  Well, I must now go to the temple and feel of His love even more than I have in the past few days!

Burn out and Resurrection!

This past nine days has been great with my mom around, but I find myself not wanting to get school done and this is not a good thing. I am burned out and have stopped really caring which is reflected in my attendance in the three classes that I am in. One teacher is calling me on it and this worries me I just hope that I am able to pass the class and be done with it. Musicianship is just not a class that I do well in and I can't seem to figure out how to pull my ear training out of the darkness and into the light and this scares me as I don't want to come back to take it in the winter!
I am trying to stay positive, but feel as though I am slipping and that is why I am going to go to the temple today and reset/recharge myself. There is a power in the temple that calms me that I have not really found anywhere else and through experience with not attending regularly and attending regularly I know that I need to always live close to one, so that I can stay spiritually happy. I went last week, but my charge is getting weak, so I am going to go again! I am also going to get on a schedule! I am not doing well with the crazy hours that I am keeping and the face that I am now employed will relieve a burden that was weighing quite heavily upon me. I am going to miss my mom and all, but I am glad that I am back to being on my own and that I will soon have an income and not have to rely on her as much as I have been this past few months! I can't say that money won't be tight, but I am going to make it if I have to cry and bleed to do it!
My big stress right now is how I am supposed to pay my rental car off and now come up with the funds for my car that decided that it needed to have engine problems this week! My mom is helping me out a little bit, but I am going to pay her back and hope that it is not going to be way expensive for me to pay off as I am not going to let my mom do that! I know she wants to help, but at nearly 27 she can't support me as much as she has been financially, I am an adult and need to start acting like it again! I have faith and hope that it will all work out the way that it is supposed to and that I will one day look back at this day and laugh at all that I thought was so hard and I am sure wish that I could come back to this time when things were so much easier!
This past week I made a commitment that I was no longer going to break the speed limit as do my best to stay right at what it says! I know that this might sound a bit trivial, but the Doctrine and Covenants tells us that if we are disciples of the Lord that we have no need to break the laws of the land and that struck me that if I can't obey the speed limit that I am not living my covenants and that is not going to get me where I want to be! I am doing well and have found that by going the speed limit I get to places in what seems to be a shorter time than if I go faster. Go figure! I know this might not make sense, but give it a try and see what it is that I am saying!! The Lord blesses those that are obedient to his commandments and this is what following the speed limit has taught me in a way that I haven't learned in a long while!
Well, I need to go, but I will write more at some point in time this week!